“Treat Josh as if you like him for a change and see what happens.”
“Nothing would happen. Except he’d think I’m certifiable.”
“Chicken,” he said.
Rebecca felt a scowl coming on. “I’m not chicken.”
He started the engine. “In that case you don’t have anything to lose, right?”
“Right,” she said slowly, because there wasn’t a better answer. But she wasn’t so sure.
JOSH LOOKED AT Mary as she sat across from him at the diner. They’d never made any promises to each other, yet it felt as though they’d been married for years. Not the steady, abiding, mutual respect kind of married. The “where did love go?” kind of married. The kind where a husband and wife wake up one morning, take a hard look at each other and realize they no longer have any reason to continue sharing the rent, never mind the rest of their lives.
He let his gaze fall to Ricky, who was sitting in the booth beside his mother. Ricky was a great kid. Josh hated to ruin Mary’s very obvious plan to give him a father for Christmas. But he wasn’t completely convinced that a permanent connection to Mary was the best way to participate in Ricky’s future. He could be a friend, a mentor, maybe an uncle…
Why he’d had such a sudden change of heart, he couldn’t say. It wasn’t five nights ago he’d decided, at the Honky Tonk, that he would marry her. Eventually. Then she’d entered the restaurant and approached his booth this morning and he’d suddenly known: he didn’t love her the way a husband should love a wife and time wasn’t going to change that.
On the one hand, it was a relief to finally achieve some clarity. On the other, he knew he was going to disappoint a lot of people—Mary more than anyone. A part of him still wondered if he wouldn’t be better off settling for less love and more peace—because the only woman who remotely tempted him was Rebecca—but he now knew that was a risk he’d have to take.
Maybe nothing had changed, after all. Maybe he just didn’t like what his heart had been telling him….
“Can I go horseback riding today?” Ricky asked, his mouth jammed full of pancake, interrupting Josh’s thoughts.
“Swallow before you talk, baby,” Mary said.
Josh considered all the things he had to accomplish over the course of his day. The breeding season was nearly upon them; the mares they were trying to breed would be kept under lights beginning in early December, to create a false spring and thereby bring them into heat early, and he had a lot of preparation to do before that. A client from Nevada was supposed to arrive around noon with ten mares. Josh wanted to be there to greet him and introduce him to his stud manager. After that, Conner Armstrong had scheduled a meeting to discuss the progress of the Running Y Resort, in which Josh and Mike were large investors. Paperwork was piling up at the office—the registration papers for various foals from last season, a limited partnership he was trying to put together to buy yet another stallion. And Mike was out of town attending a horse show, drumming up more business. Josh didn’t really have time to take Ricky riding, but his determination to maintain some type of relationship with the boy, and guilt for what he was about to tell his mother, made him say yes.
“Yippee!” Ricky cried the moment he heard his response. Wriggling out of the booth by slipping beneath the table, he turned and held out his palm. “Can I have a quarter for the vending machine?”
The vending machine by the exit sported cheap rings, chains, gum and candy, and Ricky insisted on getting a plastic prize-filled bubble every time they came to the diner. But a few quarters was a small price to pay for a little privacy. Now that Josh knew there was no hope for him and Mary, it was unkind and useless to string her along.
“Here you go,” he said, handing Ricky every quarter in his pocket and several dollars he could change at the register. “Have fun.”
Mary smiled as her son ran off, obviously pleased with his generosity. “You spoil him,” she said.
He didn’t spoil Ricky the way Mary did. At least he didn’t coddle him. But what she did with her son suddenly seemed like none of his business, so he didn’t comment. “We need to talk, Mary,” he said.
She brightened, and Josh feared his serious tone had misled her into believing he was finally going to propose.
“About what?” she asked, folding her hands neatly on the table.
“About us.”
She sat up taller, her smile widening. “I think it’s about time we did.”
Josh winced as her blue eyes met his and he read the hope and excitement there. “This is going to be difficult,” he admitted.
She glanced over at Ricky, who was kneeling in front of the vending machine, pumping one quarter into it after another and eagerly opening each prize as soon as it dropped into the bin. “Why will it be difficult?” she asked. “You can say anything to me. I probably know you better than anyone.”
She gave him an intimate smile, and Josh had the impression she was referring to the day in his office when she’d offered him a quickie, and he hadn’t followed through. They hadn’t had sex since then. She must be wondering what was going on with him. He’d been wondering himself.
“I think we should stop seeing each other,” he said, hoping the more quickly he dispensed the bad news, the less it would hurt her.
She blinked at him and made a valiant effort to keep smiling. “You’re joking, aren’t you? Everyone knows we’re perfect for each other. We should’ve married years ago, right out of high school. But then I got involved with that lousy Glen, and—”
He reached for her hand. “We’re not going to get married,” he said. “It’s taken me too long to figure it out, I know. And for that, I apologize.”
“But things have been going so well between us,” she said, her voice bordering on shrill. “I mean, if this is about that little incident in your office a couple weeks ago…well, you can’t blame me. I mean—”
“That has nothing to do with it, Mary. I just realized that…that we’re better off as friends.”
Her fingers curled until he could feel her nails digging into his hand. “You can’t mean that. You’ve been under a lot of stress lately, that’s all. You’re making a rash decision.”
Josh knew his decision was anything but rash. But Ricky was back already, his mouth jammed with gumballs, his pockets filled with toys and candy. He was watching his mother curiously. Josh thought maybe he should let it go for now. “We can talk about it later,” he said.