Holding his glass loosely in both hands, he propped his elbows on the table. “Meaning...”
“You can’t guess?”
“Spell it out for me.”
She thought she detected a hint of humor in his voice, but answered, anyway. “It was difficult to arouse him.”
“What did he say when he couldn’t get it up?”
“He’d blame it on me. He’d complain that I didn’t know what a man liked. That I wasn’t skinny enough. That I was too forward. He hinted I was oversexed. You name it.”
“Most men would consider themselves lucky to find a woman who’s oversexed,” he joked. “How old were you when you were with him?”
“Twenty.”
“And how long were you together before you learned the truth?”
“He came out when he broke up with me. We’d been dating nine months.”
He hooked an arm over the back of his chair. “That must’ve been a terrible day.”
“Then why are you laughing?” She tried to act mad, but his laugh was so rare she couldn’t help responding with a grudging smile.
“I just can’t imagine someone who’s g*y getting with someone who...”
“Who what?” Curious now, she quit smiling.
“Who looks like you, has a body like yours. It’s what fantasies are made of.”
Even his fantasies? Because he didn’t seem particularly interested. She doubted his reasons for not wanting to touch her were the same as Peter’s. The way Levi looked at her was completely different. But there was something holding him back.
“Maybe that’s why he told me I should be flattered,” she said. “When I asked him why he got with me in the first place, he said he thought if any woman could turn him on, it would be me.” Tempted to break down and have a drink, she eyed the wine bottle. If she was going to die, anyway, it seemed pointless to abstain. But she couldn’t extinguish that small hope....
“That was how he justified lying to you for so long.”
She nodded. “And...it didn’t feel like a compliment at the time.”
“No wonder. Since he was your first, you might not have realized that it isn’t normal to have to work so hard to keep a man aroused—certainly at that age.”
She wondered how difficult it would be to keep him aroused.... “I heard my friends talking about how their boyfriends behaved, but I figured everyone was different. I didn’t want to break up with him just because he couldn’t maintain an erection.”
“You say that like it’s a minor thing,” he said with another laugh.
“I wanted a more fulfilling sex life. But, like I said, he had me convinced it was my fault.” She smacked her head. “Ugh, I was so naive! And what made it worse was that I felt this terrible sense of failure because I hadn’t been attractive enough to succeed, the way he thought I could.”
“Callie, you can’t change someone’s sexual orientation.”
“I understand that now. But this was my first love, remember?”
“Where is he these days?”
“Last I heard, he was living with a partner in San Francisco.”
Twirling the stem of his glass, he watched the liquid swirl inside. “Have you ever been with anyone else?”
“Other than Kyle? No. Only a one-night stand that happened a few days after Peter’s big announcement. I decided I was going to get laid by someone who knew what to do with a woman.”
“How’d that go?”
“Not so great.”
“You figured you deserved an orgasm after everything you’d been through.”
“Mostly I just wanted to feel attractive. Desired.”
“And?”
“That actually turned out to be the worst experience of all.”
“Why?”
She tried to make a joke out of it. “Number one, there was no orgasm.”
He gave her a pouting look. “Poor you.”
“And number two, making love with a stranger isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.” She grimaced. “I just couldn’t get into it. It made me feel cheap and foolish. Degraded.”
“I think number two explains number one. Who was the guy?”
“I don’t remember his name. I’ve blocked it out.”
He got up and brought his plate over. But after he put it on the counter he didn’t move away. She could feel the heat of his body directly behind her, knew if she stepped back by even an inch she’d brush up against him, which was exactly what she wanted to do.
“So you didn’t buy that lingerie for Kyle,” he said, his mouth close to her ear.
“No,” she whispered.
When she felt his lips slide along the sensitive skin at her neck, she caught her breath and let her eyes close. She kept telling herself that she didn’t know Levi well enough to want him so badly. But right now that didn’t seem to matter. There was none of the confusion she’d experienced with Peter, none of the revulsion she’d experienced with Rebound Man and none of the misgivings she’d experienced with Kyle. That made her glad she’d bought condoms....
But just as she was about to turn so she could meet his mouth with her own, he withdrew.
“I’m sorry, pretty Callie. I’m not the right man for you,” he murmured and, to add insult to injury, had to order Rifle to stay inside when he went out to the barn.
13
Sitting on the bed in the narrow bunkhouse, Levi stared at the four walls surrounding him. No doubt he’d just confused Callie even more. He’d acted as if he wanted her—physically, he did—but he couldn’t take her to bed. It was too great a betrayal of Behrukh.
He closed his eyes as he remembered what sex had been like with the only woman he’d ever loved. Heady. Sensuous. All-consuming. The memories alone made him weak with longing. If only...
There were a million if onlys that went through his mind whenever he thought of Behrukh, and each one brought its own particular brand of torment. If only, after growing up under his father’s thumb, he hadn’t been so starved for everything a woman could offer. If only he hadn’t been so drawn to the softness of her body, the gentleness of her touch, the sweetness of her kiss. Maybe he wouldn’t have made such a terrible mistake.
I don’t think you can ruin anyone with love.
Callie had said that. She believed it. But it wasn’t true. You could destroy someone with love. He knew because he’d done it—and had destroyed himself in the process.