“Love doesn’t have to be like that.” Her voice was small. “It can be selfless. People can love and keep it inside without ever wanting anything other than seeing the other person happy.”
“Stupid.” I laughed. “Those people are stupid. What’s the point? Maybe because they feel like martyr’s? What’s the point of loving someone who can’t give two shits about you? Waste of time if you ask me.”
“Your mom does love you, you know.” Clementine touched my shoulder. “She didn’t leave you because she didn’t love you.”
“Yeah, she left because she loved me so much. That’s why she never even called as well.” My voice was sarcastic. “So much love for her blue-eyed boy.”
“I think she’d been drinking.” She sighed.
“Never.” I rolled my eyes.
“I’m sorry.” Her voice broke. “This wasn’t what I wanted.”
“I know.” I gave her a quick look. “But maybe this is a lesson Clementine. We very rarely get what we want in life, so maybe it’s best not to go chasing rainbows and butterflies. Maybe it’s best to live the life we’re dealt and just deal with it.”
“Do you remember when we first met?” Clementine changed the subject.
“Vaguely?” I shrugged. “Why?”
“You wanted to get those candies so badly.” She smiled. “Every day the teacher would do a little quiz and every day, you tried so hard because you wanted them so badly.”
“I didn’t get them though.” I laughed. “There was someone who was just a little brighter than me.”
“You did get them though.” She laughed. “You befriended me and so you got them through me.”
“That’s true.” I nodded. “I guess I got them in a roundabout way. Poor you. All those smarts and yet you still got your candy taken.”
“But that’s the thing.” I could hear the smile in her voice. “All I wanted was to be friends with you. We sat next to each other in every class, but you never spoke to me. You only played with the boys. And I very much wanted to be friends with the cute boy with the bright blond hair and blue eyes, even though he was a mean little boy.”
“You wanted to be friends with me?” I looked at her again. “Why?”
“I know seven year old boys don’t notice girls yet, but seven year old girls sure do notice cute little boys.”
“Are you saying you had a crush on me?” My jaw dropped open in shock.
“I did.” She giggled. “I used to go home every night and make my mom test me on my spelling and math, just so I could do well in the quizzes every day.”
“What?”
“Yup. I saw the way you used to eye up my candy every day. I knew that the easiest way to get you to become my friend was to win the candy every day, and look it worked. We became best friends.”
“You tricky little…” My voice trailed off and I laughed, trying to remember a seven year old Clementine. “But you were so quiet and sweet. Everyone thought our friendship was a mistake, that I’d turn you into some sort of hellion tomboy.”
“I don’t think anyone expected our friendship to last.” She said. “I guess it’s unusual for people to remain friends for so long and not have anything happen.”
“Well we had something happen.” My heart jumped and I took a deep breath. “I hope it doesn’t ruin our friendship.”
“It won’t.” She grabbed my arm. “I won’t let it.”
“Good.” I made my way to the highway. “I won’t either.”
“In fact, I’m pretty sure I want you to take me to the hotel now.” She whispered and I froze.
“The hotel?”
“Yeah.” She nodded. “If you’re not too sad.”
“Do you know what you’re saying, Clementine.” I spoke slowly.
“Yes.” Her voice was sure. “I know exactly what I’m saying.”
***
There are certain moments in your life that define you. They don't have to be monumental or life-changing, but they are moments that you can look back on and say that defines your character. I've never been one to think much about character. I've always lived my life, done what I wanted, and gone about my business. Even when it came to Clementine, I'd never really put her first. It was always about me and how I was feeling. I've never really thought about if anything was convenient to her or stressful. I was a selfish friend. Granted, I'd never fully realized that before, but as we walked into the luxurious hotel suite I knew that this wasn't right. This wasn't how Clementine’s first time should be. There was absolutely nothing special about losing her virginity in a hotel in Charleston. No matter how badly I wanted it and her. I wasn't sure how to tell her. She was so excited. I was so excited, I knew that it was the perfect informal place to have sex. If we had sex at my house or in her apartment, the memories would always remain and I didn't want the memories to be linked to any of the spots we spent frequent time in. I wanted it to be as forgettable as possible, so that when things went back to the way they used to be, there would be no awkwardness. It pained me to think of a time without intimacy with Clementine. Now that I'd had a taste of her, I wasn't sure that anything would ever be the same, but I also knew I couldn't give her what she needed. Seeing my mother had only reinforced to me how little love meant. It was an emotion created by humans to deal with the fact that sometimes life got shitty. At the end of the day, love caused more problems than solutions. At the end of the day, it was better to deal with lust, lust was a real emotion. Lust was true. No one ever complained about being in lust.
"The room is gorgeous." Clementine stepped in slowly and looked around. "Really Presidential looking."
She turned to give me a small smile and my heart stopped beating as I stared into her eyes. She trusted me infinitely. I knew that without a doubt.
"Maybe we shouldn't do this." I started talking and watched as her face fell. "I don't know that this is the right place or time."
"I want to." She said softly and walked towards me. "I want to."
"Not here." I shook my head. "Not like this."
"What's wrong with here?" She looked around and studied the room. "Have you done it here before?"
"No." I laughed and shook my head. "This is one of the few places I haven't done it."