“It’ll be okay.”
“How?” She shook her head. “I can’t seem to find another job. I can’t keep leaving my babies at home while I go to work. I can’t afford to pay someone. And I don’t take help from the government. I’m not some welfare mother. I may be a single mother, but I’m working hard to take care of my kids.”
“There’s no shame in accepting help when you need it. That’s what it’s for.”
“I don’t want to be that woman,” she sobbed. “I just don’t know what to do anymore. I try so hard, but every day it’s something else. Every day someone is trying to bring me down.”
“It’ll get better.” I didn’t want to tell her about the million dollars. What if I didn’t win?
“I’m scared.” She sighed and rubbed her eyes. “How am I supposed to raise two strong, intelligent babies if I’m never there?”
There was silence in the room as we sat there, and I felt Marcus grab my hand. I looked down at him, and he looked scared. There was a look in his eyes that I shouldn’t have seen in a young boy.
“I’ll help you as much as I can.”
“You got your own life, boy.” She shook her head but gave me a quick smile. “Thank you for offering though.”
“I mean it.” I rubbed Marcus’s back to try and get him to relax, and I realized that my words meant nothing without actions. I could say anything I wanted. Words were meaningless.
“Hi, Mrs. Brown?” A doctor walked in with a clipboard and I stood up. “You can come in and see Jamilah now. She’s a very lucky girl.”
“Thank you, doctor,” she sobbed. “Thank you.”
***
I left the hospital feeling slightly happier. I’d gotten to see and talk to Jamilah, and I had felt life come back into my soul when her eyes lit up when she saw me. I had hugged her and held her tight to me. I pulled my phone out and dialed the number I had memorized by heart even though I hadn’t called it in years.
“Hello.” Her voice was soft and hurt, and I felt terrible.
“It’s me.”
“I know.”
“Are you mad at me?” I asked stupidly.
“Where are you?”
“I had to leave.”
“I see.”
“You don’t, but that’s okay. I’m not the guy for you, Riley. I’m not good enough for you. I’ll never be good enough for you. I’m sorry that I took advantage of you.”
“You did not take advantage of me.” She sounded angry.
“I was supposed to be your protector, Riley. Not your lover. You deserve a man who’s upright. I’m not that man.” My voice cracked as my heart broke. “I need to amend for my sins.”
“Clara’s death is not your fault.”
“I should have been with her that night. I shouldn’t have left her. I shouldn’t have been with you. What I did was wrong.”
“We were both wrong, Hudson.” Her voice cracked. “It’s not your fault. It’s mine.”
“No. No, it’s not. You were caught up in the moment.”
“I deleted the text message, Hudson. She sent you a text message to come and get her and I deleted it. You didn’t know. Don’t you see? It’s my fault. I’m the one who stopped you from going to get her. If it weren’t for me being jealous, you would have gone to get her. She’d still be alive.”
I stopped dead at her words. I felt sick to my stomach and my face paled.
“Hudson, please don’t hate me. I’m so sorry. You have to know that I never would have deleted the messages if I’d known. I just wanted to be with you. I didn’t want you to leave. I’m the bad one here, not you. Please don’t close down or blame yourself anymore. If you’d known, you would have gone for her. If you’d seen that text, she’d still be alive. I’m so sorry, Hudson.”
I hung up the phone and let it drop to the ground. I felt like I couldn’t breathe or see. Everything in me had frozen at Riley’s words. She still believed in me after all that. That was what made me feel worse. That she still had complete and utter faith in me after everything.
I collapsed to the ground and slammed my fist into the concrete, screaming and shouting. I sat there with my bloody fist in my hand and closed my eyes. This time, all I could see was Clara’s face as I tucked her into bed that last night with a flask of whiskey. “Sweet dreams,” I had whispered in her ear, my mind only thinking about Riley and the night ahead. “I’ll see you in the morning.” I smiled at her as she gazed up at me with hurt eyes.
She’d known, like I had, that it was over between us. She’d known I’d been distant. I thought she’d known how I’d felt about Riley. The one thing neither of us knew was that that would be the last time we’d ever see each other.
I jumped up off the ground, grabbed my bag, and started walking. Riley was wrong. I was responsible for Clara’s death, and if Riley knew everything, I knew she’d never believe in me again. And that was the most troubling thing to me out of everything. I couldn’t stand for Riley to know who I really was. Because if she knew, she would hate me forever. Just like I hated myself.
Chapter 14
Riley
Present Day
It had been two weeks since I’d seen Hudson. He hadn’t been at the gym on the days I’d gone and I had been too numb to care. I didn’t blame him for hating me. What I’d done was wrong and I wasn’t sure if I would have been able to forgive myself either. That didn’t stop it from hurting inside, of course. The pain was raw and deep. I felt like I had been ripped open and my guts were hanging out for all the world to see. To have come so close to happiness again and lose it was devastating.
Being with Hudson the second time had confirmed to me what I’d already known. He held my heart. He held it in his hands and he had crushed it when he’d hung up on me after I’d told him about the text message. I knew what I had done was wrong, but I hadn’t expected him to be so done with me.
Part of me wondered if maybe he had lied that night. Maybe he really hadn’t wanted to break up with Clara. Maybe he had loved her. Maybe I was just a dalliance. An easy piece of meat. He had been a young college boy and I had basically offered myself up on a platter. “Make love to me. Take my virginity.” What man was going to say no that? I was ashamed of myself for having been so easy and then letting him sleep with me again.