Though, I'd be lying if I said that one of my regrets was not getting to spend more time with her in bed. It was as if our bodies had been made for each other. My favorite memories were of us kissing and making love. If I thought about it hard enough, I could almost experience the same thoughts and feelings I’d felt when I entered her. All I had to do was think very hard.
I didn’t think the angel was happy at my naughty thoughts because she kept punching me and saying my name. “Hudson,” she whispered. “Hudson.” Her voice distracted me and made me tired. It was as if she were lulling me to sleep. If I ever had kids, I would have recorded her singing nursery rhymes. She had the sort of voice that comforted you and made you feel safe.
I’d lied earlier. There was one thing I regretted about being dead. I regretted not knowing if I’d gotten Riley pregnant that night we went camping. She'd said afterwards that she was on the pill, but I knew that the pill wasn't one hundred percent fail proof. Part of me wanted her to be carrying my child so she’d always have a piece of me in her life, but the other part of me knew how selfish that was.
That’s when the sadness hit me. I was never going to see her again. Rage filled me as I realized what they really meant. All of a sudden, the memories didn’t seem like enough. How could they ever be enough? Memories didn’t replace my getting to touch her and hold her. Kisses in the mind weren’t as good as kisses on the lips.
I didn’t want to be dead. The poetic justice I’d believed had been served was unfair. I didn’t want to be in deep slumber. I wanted to be alive. I wanted to live my life. I wanted to own up to Riley about everything. I wanted to protect her.
It’s funny how you take things for granted when you’re on the earth. I’d given up hope. I hadn’t fought for her or for us. She was the one who had really tried to make things right between us. I was ashamed of myself for accepting death so easily. It didn’t feel so peaceful now. It felt tiring and upsetting.
The memories were no longer comforts, but taunts of what my life could have been. All I could think about was Riley and me on a beach. Riley was wearing a long, flowing white dress. It only took me a few moments to realize it was a wedding dress. There was a flower in her hair, and she was beaming at me, waiting. I realized that I was watching her walking down the aisle. I was getting married. My heart jumped for joy as I realized she was going to become my wife.
I wanted to savor the moment, but it faded quickly. Then I was in a room and there was a baby crying. My head was aching and I was annoyed. Why wouldn’t the baby stop crying? I found myself getting out of bed and walking through the hallways in an unfamiliar house. There were photos on the wall, and I gasped as I realized that they were of me and Riley and a bunch of kids.
I followed the sound of the baby crying and opened the door. Riley was sitting in a chair, and she was nursing. She looked up at me and smiled, and I was caught up in the beauty of the moment. I hadn’t expected to feel such a rush of love. I stood there, captivated by the scene in front of me, and then I started shivering.
Death felt colder than I thought it would. Colder and softer. My mind felt foggy as I realized that it was something pressing down on my body that was making me feel cold. That’s strange, I thought, I didn’t know I’d be able to feel my body. I’d just assumed that once I died I would just have my brain, my thoughts, and my soul. I guessed I’d never really thought about my physical body.
“Mr. and Mrs. Blake, I’m going to let you stay here with him for a few more minutes. He’s still unconscious and I don’t think he’ll come out of it tonight,” the lady with the sweet voice said to me. She sounded like she was shouting though. She was shouting and turning on a light.
I groaned as the darkness was lifted from me for a few seconds. For a moment, I almost thought I saw my parents, but then the light was gone and I was left with my dreams of Riley once more.
Chapter 16
Riley
Present Day
I woke up in my bed feeling groggy. I stretched and winced as pain filled my head.
“Morning.” Eden’s voice was soft, and I looked around the room to see where she was.
“Morning,” I whispered back at her. “Why are you in my room?”
“I wanted to make sure you were okay.” She stood up and walked over to me.
“I’m fine.” I rubbed my temple, and then it all came crashing down on me. “Hudson. How is Hudson?”
“We don’t know.” Eden’s voice broke, and I could see that her eyes were filled with tears.
“He’s still alive?” I asked hopefully.
“He’s unconscious. We don’t know what damage he might have right now,” she sobbed. “My parents and I were with him last night.”
“How did I get here?”
“Luke brought you with some guy named Justin.”
“Oh.” I bit my lip. “I want to go and see Hudson.”
“You should rest. You fainted. Hit your head pretty hard.”
“I’m fine. I need to see him.”
“Do you love him, Riley?” Eden sat on the bed and looked at me with wounded eyes.
“What do you mean?” I bit my lower lip and felt my face flushing. “Of course I love him. Just like you do.”
“No.” Her voice was louder. “I mean, do you love him?”
“Why are you asking me this?”
“Have you kissed him?” Eden sounded angry. “Have you kissed my brother?”
“I don’t understand.”
“Why are you lying to me?”
“How did you know?” I grabbed her hand and sighed. “It’s not that I wanted to keep this a secret from you. It’s just that we never really had anything substantial to talk about.”
“So you guys hooked up that summer?” Eden was crying. “That last summer?”
“Yes,” I nodded. “I lost my virginity to him that summer.”
“What?” she screamed.
“Oh.” I made a face. “You didn’t know?”
“Luke didn’t tell me all that. He just said that you guys had made out and Clara knew and it made her really upset and he had to comfort her.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” I sighed. “There were so many times I wanted to, but I didn’t know how.”
“That’s okay.” She sighed and then giggled. “Maybe it’s for the best. I would have wanted all the details, but it would have been too weird knowing it was my brother you were talking about.”