I crossed my hands over my stomach to keep the contents in, drawing a few deep breaths, watching him do the same; his back to me, hand to his face.
The bell tolled behind us and students broke through the school doors, their noise filling the field—first period.
David quickly turned and stalked closer, grabbing my arm again before he was fully at my side. He pulled me close, glaring down at me. “What would you have me do?”
I shoved his hand off my arm. “Stay.”
“And what if those secrets of mine, those secrets you’re too innocent to handle, were stopping that from ever being possible? Would you be ready to hear them then?”
I stepped forward, lifting my chin to feel taller. “Yes.”
He doubled back, his eyes narrowing for a second. “Liar.”
I twitched a little. “I just…I don’t want you to be something bad, David.”
“Because you’re not sure if you could love me?”
“I’ve never been in love like this before; I just don’t know what it can withstand, and I feel so fragile—” I touched my chest. “I just feel so afraid to lose you—afraid to even want to stop loving you.”
He looked around as the students branched out in several directions, intruding on our little battle over the end of the world. “I can talk to my uncle. Maybe I can convince him to let me stay—at least for my original designated allowance.”
“But not for always?”
He exhaled slowly, and I knew it weaselled its way in there—the idea that a few months wouldn’t suffice. “There are other options—some I, until now, haven’t been willing to explore; but staying is not one of them.”
“Well, what is?”
“None of them, really, Ara.” He groaned, scratching his brow fiercely. “None of them are right—not for you.”
“Why?”
He closed his eyes. “Because I love you. Because I want better for you. And because all your dreams, Ara—everything you want in life could be destroyed if we stayed together.”
“Why?”
“That, my love, is as far this explanation goes without formal approval.”
My eyes narrowed as I stepped into him, peering right into his soul. “Who the hell are you?”
“I’ll find a way to explain this to you. I’ll talk to my uncle and return for you later.”
“When?”
“After lunch,” he said, and walked away without waiting for a response.
“Hey, Ara,” Emily beamed, racing up to where I stood; she smiled widely, looking at me then at David wandering away. “Missed you in roll-call today.”
“Em?” I rolled my head to the side, knowing full well she could see my tears. “Don’t pretend there’s nothing going on—that just makes it worse.”
“Sorry.” Her shoulders dropped. “Are you okay? Did you have a fight?”
I watched David getting smaller and smaller as he briskly walked toward the front parking lot. “I gotta get to class.”
“Okay. Um, Ara?”
I stopped, turning stiffly back to face Em.
“I’m sorry. I know you’re upset, but, if you need to, like, talk or anything—” she pulled one shoulder up and touched her cheek to it.
“Thanks, Em. But I’m okay, really.” I could hold in hurt just fine. I didn’t need to talk about it.
Chapter Twelve
As we walked to class, Emily babbled mindlessly about the benefit concert and our difficult mythology paper—which hadn’t sounded so difficult when Dad assigned it—while I slipped into the safety of my proverbial eggshell-carrycase, wandering around wearing my fake smile, even though, inside, my guts felt like fricassee. David’s pendulum behaviour had finally sent me nuts; my every thought centred on reasons he might be leaving—and I kept coming back to believing it was because of me. In my world, it didn’t matter what was wrong or what you had to do, you’d give it all up, give up everything for love. I’d do that for David. But then, my dad always did say I spent too much time living in fantasyland—expecting the fairy-tale endings I’d read about in books.
At lunch, we set the date for the benefit concert and finished making ticket signs—with the help of the Art students. Then, Emily went as far as to ask that the performers meet after school for further rehearsals. And we actually agreed.
Everything for the concert was falling in to place, while for me, everything was falling apart. Even watching Alana and Ryan cheerfully walk everywhere together, and whenever a teacher wasn’t looking, hold hands or kiss, I actually felt the hollow pit of jealousy; something I’d never felt before. They were so normal, and I was beginning to think, to my dismay, that David was not.
“Em?” I said, lowering my voice so Dad wouldn’t growl at me for talking in class again.
“Mm?” She kept her eyes on him.
“Hypothetical question.”
“Oh, I love this game.”
I smiled. “If you loved someone, more than anything, what would be the only thing that could make you leave them?”
“Hm.” She watched the projection screen as Dad changed the image, and I caught one or two words of his lecture about some religious topic—something to do with vampire myth. “Death, I suppose. I’d only leave if they could either die or get really hurt by my being with them.”
I nodded to myself. “What if you were a criminal and you didn’t want them to know?”
She shook her head, leaning on her hand. “Nah, I’d tell them; if they loved me, they wouldn’t care.”
“What if your horrible truth was that you went from place to place, making people love you, then leaving them—for the fun of it.”
“Then it wouldn’t be real love, so it wouldn’t count.”
My heart wriggled down into my diaphragm.
“Can I ask you a hypothetical question?” Emily said, lowering her voice when Dad gave us a warning glare.
“Sure.” I tried not to switch off; too many times she’d said things and I had to pretend I’d been paying attention. But I just felt like crying—a feeling so deep I had to sit straight and take a few shallow breaths. I knew only too well that if David thought he would be hurting me by staying, then he would absolutely leave and not come back. And I loved him for that as much as I hated him for it.
“Ara?” Emily elbowed me. “What do you think?”