This sadness was painfully familiar. The silent, open mouthed suffering was something I had felt entirely too much of in my life. The barely controllable urge to purge my grief with the slice of a razor was overwhelming, its kiss sweet on my skin. I could almost hear the darkness whisper in my ear, a taunting tease of potential relief.
I had known this was the risk of coming back here. I knew that it resurrected a thousand instincts to hurt, to maim and to destroy everything inside of me. Everything that I had worked so hard to rebuild. But progress was a flimsy thing. And the need to tear it all down was a much stronger adversary.
Leaving the center was like leaving a warm and safe cocoon and being thrown headfirst into complete and utter chaos. From the moment my plane had touched down in Virginia, I struggled to remember that I was in control of these traitorous feelings. That it was my choice to cope in a healthier way. That was what Dr. Todd kept drilling into my head. It’s my choice. MINE!
But returning to Davidson, particularly under these circumstances, was proving a true test of my new found resolve. The meds helped. I was taking them as scheduled. So I could tick that off my responsible Clayton Reed list.
The stuff I had learned in therapy rattled around in my head, reminding me to breathe. To re-frame. To talk myself off the cliff I was already in danger of toppling over.
But like I said before, Ruby needed me. And even though it made my anxiety that much more acute, I needed to remember that. But I had always been the needy one. The truth was I needed Ruby. Maggie. Lisa. Even as I had always denied needing anyone.
And now I was the one being leaned on and I wasn’t so sure I could handle the pressure. The longer it went on, the harder it became. I was brittle and raw and I knew that Dr. Todd’s concerns about me coming back were legitimate ones.
I was on a precariously slippery slope. The wrong move, the wrong thought and I would be sliding down on my ass. And the landing would be hard.
But that didn’t change the fact that I had responsibilities. And that trumped everything else. It had to.
***
I was making it through the day. Barely. The light drizzle from earlier had changed into a steady downpour. Even the weather was in mourning. Everything felt dark. I focused on my damn breathing even as my guts knotted up inside of me.
Breathe in. Breathe out. I swear I could write my own book on all the different ways to freaking breathe.
I needed to pull it together. I needed to be the man Ruby could count on, not just someone to leech on everyone else’s strength. It’s in times of crisis that your merit is proven? Well I had a hell of a lot to prove right now. To myself and to everyone who doubted I could be anything more than the crazy kid ready to go over the edge.
I was engaged in this furious internal dialogue. Jumping back and forth between giving myself a perky little pep talk and mentally screaming at myself to man up. I was totally absorbed in it, trying to get up the nerve to go to the front of the church and sit with Ruby in the pew where she sat quietly sobbing.
I had been able to lose myself in the final arrangements when we had arrived, but now the start of the service drew closer and I was cracking up a bit. Okay, not a bit…a lot.
I watched as people stopped by Ruby to talk to her. She was trying to be polite but she was so consumed by her grief that she could do little more than nod. I should get up there and help her out, but I felt rooted to the spot.
It was all almost too much to bear. But I really needed to get over that. It wasn’t fair to leave her alone. Not now. Not when she had never abandoned me when I needed her. But there was that part of me that fought for self-preservation and I knew this whole scene had the makings of my own personal disaster.
I was very close to running out the side door and never looking back. Drive straight to the airport and jump on the first available flight out of f**king Virginia.
I had almost talked myself into it when I felt a stirring in the air. It was an intense humming that took my body completely by surprise. The hair rose up on the back of my neck and I just knew.
She was here.
Maggie.
And just like that, the fuzzy black faded away and everything clicked into place. My heart thudded into over drive and palms started to sweat so I shoved them into the pockets of my grey slacks.
Of course she came. I knew she’d be there. And though I tried not to allow myself the hope of seeing her, I couldn’t deny that I had longed for it all the same.
And here she was, looking the same only better. Her dark hair looked shorter and was pulled back in a low ponytail. She wore a black wool coat over a dark green dress. She looked beautiful and perfect and the embodiment of everything I had always craved.
She walked into the church, flanked by her parents. I barely noticed them or the fact that Rachel and Daniel followed close behind. My eyes were only for her. I knew I should go to Ruby. But I couldn’t make myself move. I stood there, rooted to the spot, not sure if I wanted Maggie to see me or not, even as I screamed at her in my head to look at me.
Please.
As much as I missed her and dreamed of this moment, I was scared of it. Too much had changed. Yet seeing her, my heart and body reacted the same as it always had. She had been my crutch and now she was something else entirely, a painful reminder of all the ways I screwed up. But watching my gorgeous girl move through the crowd of people, I only saw the person I had pinned my future on. And that was both exhilarating and terrifying.
But God, I loved her. She was the piece I had been missing for the last three months. She was everything I wanted in my life but was still unsure I deserved. And this was why I wasn’t any good for her. My feelings about Maggie May Young were too intense, too consuming and they always threatened to swallow me whole.
But then she lifted her eyes and met mine and everything else disappeared. Her eyes were bright and I could see the way her chest started to rise and fall more rapidly. Before I realized what I was doing, I was moving toward her at the same instant that she began to make her journey down the aisle of the church.
I saw Rachel over her shoulder, her eyes wide, her hand reaching out to possibly stop Maggie. But there was no detaining her. Our eyes never left each other as we worked to bridge the physical distance between us.
It was like every time we were together. Our bodies orbited around each other as if pulled by an invisible force that we had no control over.
I wanted this. And I wanted to run from it. I wanted to pull her in and never let go. And I wanted to push her away.
Two minutes. That’s all it took for my head to short circuit.
Maggie stopped five feet away and we stood there, staring at each other. I didn’t know what to say. What worked as appropriate chitchat when you saw the love of your life again after breaking her heart? And at a funeral no less.