“Stop worrying!” I said louder than I meant to.
Daniel crossed the room and put his arm around my shoulder. He stooped down to kiss my cheek. “Not possible, babe. We love you,” he said warmly and any irritation I was feeling melted away. Damn Daniel Lowe and his stupid considerate ass.
“I love you too, you f**kwad,” I grumbled, elbowing him in the side. And I knew that I was lucky to have so many people that loved me. I just wish Clay were so lucky.
Chapter Eleven
-Clay-
The couch was starting to kill my back. Three nights of sleeping on the lumpy cushions and I would be walking hunched over all day. Okay, so yes I had a perfectly good bed upstairs in my room but I had yet to go up there.
So maybe I was a coward, but I just wasn’t ready to open the door and be confronted with the thousands of memories within those four walls. Being back in Davidson was hard enough. Every street, every shop, every stupid tree carried with it a dozen memories of the person I left behind. And it seriously sucked. I really wanted to leave. This was much harder than I had thought it would be.
I had known it was going to be tough. Ruby’s grief was hard to watch. She was barely eating and I knew she wasn’t sleeping. I could hear her pacing the floors upstairs all night. It seemed to take everything out of her to get dressed in the morning.
My overzealous aunt had been reduced to this person completely devoid of life. And if she wasn’t handling Lisa’s death well, what chance did I have?
I had spoken to Dr. Todd every day, just as promised. He didn’t sound particularly concerned when I mentioned how difficult this trip was turning out to be. He just let me process and reviewed my coping skills with me. Though yesterday he suggested calling twice a day instead of once. He had also encouraged me to talk to Jean, my substance abuse counselor at the center.
I hadn’t done that yet. I was feeling overly shrinked as it was. And today I needed to focus on Ruby and the funeral and getting through it without doing something stupid.
Because every night I lay on the couch, listening to the sounds of Ruby’s footsteps and I wanted to scream. I was just so f**king angry. Angry with Lisa for falling asleep behind the wheel. Angry with Ruby for falling apart like she was. Angry with myself for feeling all the above.
I wanted to cut myself so badly that I could taste it. There were times I’d find myself in the kitchen, my fingers aching to reach for a knife or the pair of scissors. Forcing myself to leave the room and get away from what taunted me was getting harder and harder to do. I usually ended up pulling out my journal and spending hours writing in it. Okay, so maybe it wasn’t a completely useless exercise because it did help (something I would never say aloud).
But I was exhausted and feeling a little sick. I had so much to do today. I needed to get down to the church in a few hours to make sure everything was set up. The funeral director would be handling most of the arrangements, but I wanted to make sure it was all as it needed to be. After the church, there would be a grave side service, followed by a friends and family gathering here.
I had worked my ass off to clean the place up. A caterer would be here later to drop off food. I had planned it all down to the tiniest detail. Keeping myself busy helped some. I was able to turn off the emotions that otherwise would have flayed me alive. I was driving on auto pilot for now and I was happy to do so.
I had time later to deal with my own grief. Right now it was all about taking care of Ruby and getting through the day.
I got to my feet, rolling my head to try to loosen up the kinks in my neck. The couch could be construed as a form of torture. I accidentally knocked Lisa’s glasses to the floor from their spot on the coffee table.
They were still there. The half full coffee cup as well. It was starting to grow mold on the rim, but when I had tried to move it, Ruby had freaked out. So I had left it alone. Picking up my phone I checked the time.
Shit, it was already eleven-thirty. I needed to get a move on. I opened my suitcase and pulled out my grey slacks and a black button down shirt. I hung them on the kitchen door and got out the ironing board.
I was busy ironing when Ruby finally emerged. She was still in her robe; her red hair looked as though it hadn’t seen a brush in a year. Dark circles ringed her eyes and her lips were cracked and chapped from her gnawing at them.
“Morning,” I said, watching her open the cabinet and pulling down a mug. She gave me a tiny smile as she started to grind coffee beans. “You want me to make you some breakfast?” I asked after I finished ironing my shirt.
Ruby shook her head and waited for her coffee to brew. The silence in the kitchen made me antsy. I watched my aunt who seemed to be barely functioning and I just couldn’t handle it anymore.
I left her, staring at the coffee pot and went out into the back yard. The air was cold and it had started to drizzle. I drew the frigid air into my lungs and held it there until my chest burned with the need to breathe.
Letting the air out slowly I wished I had developed a taste for nicotine, because I needed something to do with my itchy hands. I couldn’t do this. Fuck me, I just couldn’t. I knew there was nowhere I would be than right here, but at that moment, it seemed like purgatory.
God, I wished I was back in Florida. I pulled my phone out and dialed Dr. Todd’s direct line. It rang and rang. On the eleventh ring, I hung up. It was Saturday; of course he wasn’t in his office. I had his personal number somewhere in my suitcase but didn’t have the energy to go looking for it. I guess I could call the main number and talk to another staff person on duty, but I wasn’t entirely comfortable with that.
I stood there warring with myself when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked down in surprise to see Ruby staring out into the yard, her hand clutching my sleeve. “Thank you, Clay. For everything you’ve done,” she whispered, her voice sounding hoarse.
I closed my eyes. I could do this. Ruby needed me. I had to stop being so goddamned weak. I brought my hand up to cover hers and we stood that way, in the cold. Two people barely holding on but trying desperately to keep each other going.
“We should start getting ready,” Ruby said, squeezing my fingers before letting go. She seemed to be trying to pull herself together and I was unfairly grateful for that. Because again, that horribly selfish part of me needed her strength for myself. I was scared as hell that if she depended too much on mine I’d only let her down.
“Okay. We should probably get over to the church soon. See if there’s any last minute details we need to go over,” I said. Ruby nodded and went back inside. I stood out there for another few minutes, finally focusing on my own feelings of sadness and grief.