Clay shook his head and gave a gurgling cry as he slammed his hand into the bleacher. Shit. I rushed over to him and took his injured hand in mine. It looked as though he might have broken two of his knuckles. They were turning a nasty purple and there was the unmistakable yellow of marrow. “What are you doing?” I cried.
The tremors in Clay's body were causing me to shake too. “I just want to be alone. Please just leave.” The anger had left his voice and he sounded extremely tired. I pulled a tissue out of my purse and dabbed the back of his hand, where blood had started to ooze out of his skin.
“Not until you tell me why you're so angry.” I insisted. Clay tried to pull his hand away but I refused to let go. “Stop shutting me out, Clay.” I warned him. Clay hung his head, the fight leaving him. “You stopped taking them didn't you.” I stated more than asked.
Clay sunk to the ground, not caring about the dust and dirt getting on his clothes. “Yes, all right. I stopped taking them three days ago. Happy?” He asked me with venom. Okay, now I was pissed. “Happy? Happy!?!” I yelled at him. “Oh, I'm just ecstatic that you're not taking the medication that stops you from becoming a raging lunatic. I'm over the moon here.” I said with sarcasm. I turned to leave, sick and tired of his drama. My night had been ruined by him on multiple fronts and I was ready to go home.
I started to walk away when I heard him get to his feet and run after me. “Don't go, Maggie. Please. I need you here.” He pleaded with me. There was that word again. Need. He needed me. And some annoying girlie part of me thrilled at his words as much as the rational part of me was terrified of them.
“You just told me to go, Clay.” I said, not letting him pull me back. He sighed. “I know I said that. I just didn't want you to see my like this...again.” “Then take your medication, Clay. Then we won't have this issue.” I said harshly. I tried to move away from him again but he grabbed my hand. “Stay with me. Please.” He sounded so broken and I hated how swayed I was by him, even when I knew I should get the hell out of there.
“Why did you do that back there? It was humiliating.” I told him, still refusing to face him. “Look at me.” He begged, pulling on my shoulders until I was facing him. His eyes were frantic and he was breathing rapidly, as though he were about to have a panic attack. “I couldn't stand seeing you dance with that guy. He had his hands on you and I thought I would lose it. Well I guess I did lose it.” He chuckled humorlessly.
His words pissed me off. “Who the hell do you think you are? You had just spent the entire night dancing with other girls! But I'm not allowed to dance with other guys? What a bullshit double standard!” He flinched at my anger. Good. He had made me mad and he needed to see that.
“You're right. But I didn't want to dance with those other girls. You think I give a shit about Dana, or anyone else? Because I don't! I could never care about them because they aren't you! But you are constantly throwing me into the friend pile. I thought you didn't want to be with me! Did I misread something here?” He sounded desperate. Where the heck did he get the idea that I wanted him to be with other girls? Hadn't I been making it very obvious for the past few months that I was crazy about him? Maybe he was more delusional than I thought.
I shook my head, my thoughts were fuzzy and my chest felt tight. This roller coaster we were on needed to stop. I wrenched backwards, away from Clay's grip. Clay looked panicked and tried to reach for me again. I shook my head and he dropped his hands to his side. He looked at me as though I were breaking his heart, which was nuts because I had no idea I even had it. “When you're in a room, Maggie, all I see is you. You make everything better. Clearer. You stop the crazy noise in my head. I can think, hell, I can breathe when we're together What you make me feel is the most unbelievable and scary thing I've ever felt.” My eyes went wide at his confession. I didn't want to say anything, not wanting to break the spell we found ourselves in.
“I never thought I deserved to be happy. With all the shit that went down in Florida, it felt like my life was over. Moving here to Virginia might as well have been a death sentence. But then you literally ran into me.” We both laughed at his choice of words, easing the tension a fraction.
Clay grabbed my hands and placed them over his heart. I could feel the erratic beat beneath my palm. “You ran into my life, this beautiful, amazing girl who changed everything. I finally saw what my world could be. What being normal and happy could look like. You've given me everything I never thought I could have! It scares me to think of life without you. Of not seeing your smile or hearing your voice. So when you didn't stop me from going off with Dana and then went and danced with that ass**le, I thought you were telling me loud and clear that I didn't have a chance with you. And all I could see was my life without you in it. And it was a f**king dark and horrible place.”
I closed my eyes, feeling the prick of tears behind my eyelids. How could I stay angry when he was saying everything I had wanted to hear since I had met him? Even in the midst of this whirlwind, he made me feel alive and adored. What girl could resist that combination?
And it was time that I revealed my own truths.
“That is so beyond ridiculous. I'm crazy about you too. I've wanted to be with you since the day I ran into your life; literally. Even when you were being the biggest prick on the planet, I wanted you. But I thought being your friend was all you could handle. You know, with everything else going on.” I looked at my feet, not wanting him to see my own vulnerability.
I heard Clay's sharp intake of breath and then his fingers on my chin. “Mags. I've wanted the same thing. You have no idea how much. But you said over and over that I was your freaking friend.” He said in a desperate sort of way. I shook my head, my hair falling limply around my shoulders. The hairspray and teased styling long gone.
“You're sick, Clay. I didn't want to overly complicate things.” I justified. Clay pulled me into his arms and I didn't fight him. “No, Maggie! No, no, no! I can't stand just being your friend. It's driving me crazy holding back on what I've really wanted to say. I need to be with you! It's the only thing that makes sense in my insane, f**ked up life.” He was so impassioned in his appeal.
I stood stiff in his arms, not sure what to do. He buried his face in my hair. “I'm a mess. If I were selfless, I'd make you leave. I know I'm a lot to deal with. I'm no where close to getting a handle on things. But I'm not lying when I say you make me feel like I can do it. If you're with me, I can do anything.” He stopped for a moment and then the seriousness seemed to break and his mouth quirked in a tiny smile.