I became protective of my relationship with Clay. I didn't want anyone or anything to taint what we had. I felt like I was trying to hold onto a block of ice as it slowly melted through my fingers. I couldn't keep hold of the happiness I felt in those moments when things were good. Because the bad loomed not far away, just waiting to wipe everything else away.
But the trip to the cabin began to hold all my hopes for changing that. Clay seemed excited about the trip and I loved seeing him look forward to something. To see the brooding darkness erased by a real and true happiness.
“Wow, you're really excited about this trip aren't you?” I asked Clay after school. We were lying on my bed in my room. It had taken a lot of pleading to get Clay to return to my house. And yes, I knew that I was breaking one of my parents ten commandments but I knew for a fact that they would be out for at least two more hours. Giving Clay and I plenty of time to be alone together before he had to get the hell out of there. The truth was, not even my parents' wrath could stop me from being with him. I was so desperate to make things good between us that I was willing to risk anything.
Clay rolled onto his side, his feet wrapped around mine as we lay tangled together. He propped his head up on his hand and looked down at me. He rubbed his fingers over the skin of my stomach, making me squirm.
“Yeah. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm just glad everyone agreed to come.” Clay said softly and I felt a pang at the regret in his voice. He knew what my friends thought of him. He wasn't stupid. I hated it for him. For us. It didn't make things easy. But we had never done easy.
I sat up suddenly, surprising Clay with my movement. I straddled his hips and wiggled against him. He laid his head back against my pillows, his eyes changing instantly from sadness to molten desire. “You start doing that, things are going to get out of control very quickly.” He teased, running his hands up my sides. “Stop it.” I laughed. Clay chuckled and pulled my face down to kiss me. “Mmm. You taste like cherries.” He murmured against my mouth.
I smacked my lips together. “You can thank Lip Smackers.” Clay laughed again, my heart thrilled at the sound, and kissed me longer and deeper. “Thank you, Lip Smackers.” He said huskily before putting his lips to the base of my throat. He sat up, my legs wrapped around his middle and he held me tightly to his chest.
“Just think, Mags. An entire night together. I've wanted that for so long.” He whispered breathlessly as he kissed a trail from my collar bone to my ear. “Typical guy, only thinking with your penis.” I said crudely. Way to kill the moment, Maggie! I chastised myself.
Clay smirked, not put off by my choice of terminology. “Oh no, I think with other things. Like my hands.” He put them up my shirt and I gasped as his palms cupped my br**sts. “And my fingers.” He whispered in my ear as his thumbs began to rub my ni**les, causing a warmth to pool in my abdomen. “And my lips.” He sucked on my ear lobe and I groaned. I swear, if he had wanted, he could take me right then and there.
“Oh god. What am I going to do with you?” He said with amusement as I became frenzied under his mouth. I frantically began pulling at his clothes, trying to get him naked. “Well, you could help me you know.” I pouted as I tried once again to get his shirt over his head. Clay only laughed and pulled away, placing a loud kiss on my mouth. “Slow down, tiger. Not here, especially since the last time I was in your room, your father almost had me lynched. And we were just sleeping that time.”
I wasn't going to let him go that easily. I deftly undid the button on his jeans, sliding my hand just inside the waist band. “Are you sure about that, Clayton? You really want me to stop?” My hand drifted lower and I used my other hand to tug the zipper down.
Clay moaned deep in his throat, his head falling back as I found what I was looking for. My fingers touched him tentatively and he jerked against me. I couldn't help but smile at my victory. Then he grabbed my hand and pulled it out of his pants. “You are an evil, evil woman, Maggie Young. Trying to tempt me like that.” He said lightly as he gently lifted me off his lap and buttoned up his jeans.
I rolled over on my bed and grabbed a pillow, tossing it at him. “You suck.” I joked. Clay caught the pillow and threw it back at me. “No, I just don't want to be that guy.” He explained. I frowned in confusion. “What guy?” I asked.
Clay sighed and sat up. “You know, the guy who waits for your parents to not be at home before deflowering their daughter in the bed she's had since childhood. You know, that guy, the one that looks for any and every opportunity to get you naked. I was that guy and I don't want to be him ever again.”
Okay. So logically I appreciated what he was saying. I knew that he was telling me that he cared about me enough to not disrespect my parents and their house by having sex with me in it. But right then, all I heard was that he had done this very thing with girls before me. And he wasn't gonna do it with me. And it pissed me off. What was wrong with me? Was I not good enough to share that sort of intimacy with? I mean, it was obvious he had been less than discriminating in the past.
I turned my back to him and straightened my clothes, putting my bra back in place and putting my hair in a ponytail. “Mags.” Clay said quietly from behind me. I leaned over and picked my Spanish book up off the floor and started to open it. Clay sat beside me. “Maggie. Don't be upset. Come on.” He pulled the book off of my lap and I just sat there, staring at my hands.
I was embarrassed and, worst of all, I felt rejected.
“Look at me.” I lifted my eyes to his very concerned ones. “What did I say to make you look like that?” He asked. Stupid, oblivious boy. My face flushed red. “So, you've had sex a bunch before. You know, done stuff with girls. But you won't do that stuff with me -your girlfriend. Am I getting this right?” I asked tightly. Clay brushed the hair from my face. “You silly, silly girl. Where does all this insecurity come from?” I started to pull away, annoyed that he could throw my insecurities in my face when he was the king of them! But he held me fast, holding onto my upper arms, forcing me to look at him.
“What I did before, that was another life. I was another person. I wasn't someone you would have ever wanted to be around, let alone be your boyfriend.” I started to protest what he was saying. To argue that I would have loved him no matter what he was like, but he silenced me.
“No, listen, Maggie. I wasn't a good person. I was sick and addicted to the worst possible things. So yes. I had sex. I fooled around with a lot of different girls. But none of it meant anything. Those girls, they used me. I used them, to try and feel something. But it was all a lie. Because I hated them. Hated myself. Nothing mattered until I met you.” His eyes were intense as they looked into mine. I was holding my breath.