“I’ve penciled you in for ten on Monday morning for your first case management meeting. My office is across the street. I’ll see you then,” Roberta said, handing me a thick folder of information and flashing me that genuine smile of hers that was so at odds with her scare-me-shitless demeanor.
Roberta called out a goodbye to Ruby, who had gone into the kitchen and was chatting with Jason. Oscar was parked in front of the TV and hadn’t acknowledged me since I had come back into the room.
I can tick off becoming BFFs with my new roommates on my list of delusional expectations.
After my case manager left, I had the urge to chuck all my good intentions for a better future in the trash and get the hell out of there. Because this was going to be hard. This was going to hurt. And I was terrified that I wasn’t able to handle everything that my real life wanted to throw at me.
Ruby came in carrying a cup of something and put into my slack hand. “Drink. It’ll help you settle,” she insisted. I gave the cup a sniff and tried not to cringe.
“It won’t kill you, Clay. It’s just a little catnip tea to help with your nerves. I drink two cups every day. I sweetened it for you,” she said as though a boatload of sugar would help.
I sipped and gagged, making a face. “I’ll drink it later,” I promised, trying not to hurt her feelings.
Ruby gave me a stern look but didn’t comment. “Let’s get the rest of the things out of the car and get you unpacked. You’re looking tired,” she commented, pushing me gently toward the door.
When Ruby had picked me up from the Grayson Center that morning I had been hesitantly optimistic. Dr. Todd and I had met and we both felt confident in my progress. But as with every time I checked out of residential treatment, those warm fuzzies slowly faded into teeth gnashing self-doubt. I tiptoed on the edge of a full blown freak out.
What if I had gotten so used to being locked up that I didn’t know what to do once I was given the key to get out? I was expecting to build a life out of the ashes of the old one but I didn’t even know where to begin.
Feeling my phone vibrate in my pocket again, I knew that I could do this.
Because it wasn’t just for me.
“Hey you,” I said, answering the phone, going out onto the porch for some privacy. I didn’t need Jason or Oscar the Grouch listening in on my phone call.
“Hey back. I’ve been sitting here on pins and needles wondering how you were getting on,” Maggie said. Just the sound of her voice was all I needed. I let her words wrap around my heart and warm me from the inside out. The self-doubt, the inner loathing, it all melted away just knowing that this beautiful, amazing girl was waiting for me on the other side of all this.
I walked down the stairs, the phone pressed to my ear. “It’s fine. Ruby’s here, we’re just bringing in my stuff now. I met my new case manager. Her name’s Roberta.” I dropped my voice down into a teasing whisper. “She scares me, Mags. I think she might use my testicles for target practice if I’m not careful.”
Maggie’s warm laugh made my heart beat faster and for the millionth time I wished she were here. I would give anything to smell her hair and feel her fitted against me, filling the space meant only for her.
I felt like the worst kind of masochist for denying myself the one thing I needed most. All it took was Maggie and everything was perfect.
But I guess that was the point of all this. Because I needed to find a way for my life to make sense with or without the girl I loved. My world would always revolve around Maggie May Young but I desperately needed to become the guy who wouldn’t fall apart without her.
She had been my fix for so long and it wasn’t fair to put the entire fate of my mental health squarely on her shoulders. Existing like that was unhealthy and toxic. And she deserved so much more than that. So much more than what I had always given her.
“Well, you had better toe the line then. I think I like the sounds of this Roberta. She’s my kind of woman,” Maggie giggled and the last threads of unease slipped away.
Because she and I were in this together.
“How about the roommates? What are they like?” she asked and I could hear her banging things around over the phone.
“Great if you like the whole looks like a serial killer and refuses to make eye contact thing,” I said dryly.
“Just give ‘em a chance. You’ll be watching The Jersey Shore and braiding each others’ hair in no time,” Maggie joked and I snorted and decided to change the subject. We spent way too much time focusing on my stuff.
“When are you leaving?” I asked her, trying not to feel selfishly unhappy with the thought of my girlfriend heading off to college without me. Maggie had kept me involved with every detail as she prepared to leave for James Madison University.
It was our pact to each other. That no matter what, no matter how far apart we were, we’d share everything. There wasn’t a single piece of our lives that was off limits. This total inclusion was necessary for our relationship, which was still growing out of a shaky foundation.
We talked about the small stuff like her matching comforter and pillows (which she was really excited about, even if I didn’t understand what was so awesome about pink and brown circles on a blanket) and the new laptop her parents got her. This opened up our world to Skyping. Which was both incredible and gut wrenchingly painful. Because seeing her face made my days that much better. But not being able to touch her was the closest thing to torture I had ever experienced.
We’d also talk about the big stuff like how scared she was to leave home and live on her own. How she worried that she’d hate her new roommate. And the fact that this would be the first time in her entire life she wouldn’t see Rachel and Daniel every single day.
And we’d talked endlessly about the future. What it would look like and how we’d make it all work just so we could be together.
There were voices in the background as Maggie answered me. “Tomorrow morning. Mom’s a mess; Dad has inventoried my school supplies at least a dozen times. They’re driving me sort of crazy. I really wish you were here,” she said softly.
My throat tightened and I had to close my eyes so I wouldn’t f**king cry. “I wish I was there too, baby. So much,” I half whispered, half sobbed into the phone. Maggie made a whimpering noise and I knew she was feeling this desperate separation as much as I was.
“We’ll get through this won’t we? I mean, this will all work out in the end and these miles between us will one day be a bad dream. Promise me,” she pleaded and I took a deep breath in through my nose.