I felt myself get instantly defensive. This was usual response to any supposed criticism of my relationship with Maggie.
“No, she…well…she helps me. She has always been able to help me. Just for a while there, it was all mixed up with my f**ked up feelings. But she gets me. She knows what can set me off. She’s not my trigger!” I said louder than I meant to.
Dr. Cary gave me a sharp look. “It’s important that you be honest with yourself. If she is still a trigger for you and she is someone who is in your life, then we need to address that.”
I shook my head. “No, we don’t need to address that. It’s not a problem. Maggie is not the problem,” I grit out. I was about to add a back the f**k off for good measure but stopped myself.
Crap.
“Okay, maybe there is a problem with Maggie. And maybe it triggers some intense stuff,” I grudgingly admitted. Dr. Cary’s face relaxed and she sat back in her chair.
“Thank you for being honest, Clay. Do you want to talk about it?” she asked gently.
Like I had a choice. She had opened this can of snarly worms, there was no putting the lid back on.
“Maggie goes to college in Virginia,” I started. Dr. Cary watched me quietly, doing that thing that therapists do best. Waiting for me to spill my guts all over her carpeted floor.
“And I’m down here. So it’s been hard. Really there hasn’t been a moment of our relationship that hasn’t been hard,” I said, shocking the hell out of myself for admitting this to a stranger.
“Long distance relationships are tough in the best of circumstances. But given everything you’ve been challenged with, it must make things even more difficult,” Dr. Cary stated as a matter of fact.
I nodded my agreement. She was good. Better than I gave her credit for. Because I found myself unloading all the screwed up and beautiful history between Maggie and me. I told her about how pissed I got over Maggie’s new life. How I felt left out and left behind. How bitter I was that she wasn’t making more of an effort to see me, when if the roles were reversed and I was able to leave the f**king state, nothing, and I mean, nothing, would have kept me from her.
“And now Christmas is coming up and it’s just another freaking holiday where we won’t be together. I know she needs to be with her family but I need her too,” I said angrily.
Dr. Cary clicked her pen a few times and then tapped her chin with the tip, leaving an ink stain on her skin. “Don’t you think you’re being unfair to Maggie?” she asked me. Her statement had me flushing in shame.
“Probably,” I conceded, knowing the doctor was spot on.
“Maggie has stood by you through a lot. She put everything on the line to be with you more than once. She is doing something for her and you have to be selfless and let her. I understand this stirs up a lot of negative self-talk for you. But that is about you and not about Maggie. Which is why the two of you are doing the best thing for each other. You are working on things here while Maggie is building a life outside of your relationship in Virginia. Your life can’t completely revolve around each other. That isn’t healthy in the long term,” Dr. Cary advised and I wanted to argue with her.
Because my world did revolve around Maggie. It always had since the moment I met her. Dr. Cary didn’t understand how things were between us. Just because she had a few letters after her name didn’t make her the expert on my relationship.
I was ready to dismiss this entire conversation out right. But her next words sank in. And they sank in deep.
“You told me you left Maggie once because you thought it was the right thing for her. Right now, you have to let her live her life and you need to focus on your own. If you spend your time divided, you will never be whole. Use this time apart to create something for you. If what you have with Maggie is as strong as it seems, then it will be there when you’ve done that. But the biggest part of your outpatient treatment is to do things that are good for your health and your progress. To build a positive life for you. And once that happens, then you can share it with another person.”
“Walk slowly with Maggie. The two of you jumped from A to Z rather quickly. Now it’s time to take a step back and learn all the other letters. See the distance between you not as a barrier but as a way to do things the right way,” Dr. Cary said with a smile.
I nodded. I thought it was time I learned what the right way looked like.
“And remember to be open and honest. It is the most important component of any relationship. If you’re feeling insecure or unsure, tell her. Listen to Maggie if she is upset. If you have that foundation of trust, then the rest falls into place naturally,” Dr. Cary said.
I felt a flare of guilt because I had planned to keep Maria’s upcoming visit to myself. I didn’t want to rock an already floundering boat. But Dr. Cary was right, if things were going to work between Maggie and me in the forever sense, I had to be honest. I had to take things slow. And I had to be comfortable with letting her finding her way…by herself.
“I have to tell you something,” I said after I called Maggie later that night.
Maggie was quiet and I realized how I came across. God knows what those words sounded like to her.
“What?” she asked quietly.
“Maria called me,” I told her and then waited.
But the reaction I received wasn’t anything that I had been expecting.
Maggie started laughing.
Huh?
“Uh, what’s so funny?” I asked, completely confused.
Maggie snorted. “Jesus, Clay, I thought you were going to tell me something really horrible. I mean, Maria sucks, but shit…okay…” Maggie started laughing again and I started laughing with her.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to freak you out. I just thought you’d be pissed,” I said once she had calmed down.
“Pissed? Why would I be pissed?” she asked.
Had I entered some crazy chick alternate universe? Or was I walking into a trap without realizing it?
“Because Maria was a bitch to you? Because she made it obvious she wanted to sleep with me? Because you have every right to ask me not to see her?” I supplied.
I could almost see Maggie rolling her eyes. “Clay, Maria’s got some f**ked up issues. I get that. But I trust you. Yeah, I don’t trust her, but that doesn’t matter. She’s not my boyfriend. You are.”
I sagged in relief, not sure I deserved her understanding. “If it were Jake calling you, I’d be f**king livid,” I admitted, feeling ashamed.