He was stuck in an endless cycle, and I was stuck in it with him.
This was going to ruin me.
This wasn’t a story with a happy ending. Maxx and I weren’t going to live that perfect life with the white picket fence.
The only life we could have together was ugly and messy and destructive.
And I knew without a doubt that it would kill us both.
I couldn’t save him.
There was no changing the path he was on. He wouldn’t let me. There were forces in his life that were more powerful than my love for him. The intensity of his feelings for me and mine for him just weren’t enough. I wasn’t sure they ever would be.
He was going over a very steep cliff, and if I didn’t back away, he’d take me with him.
And I wouldn’t do that to myself.
As much as I loved him, I couldn’t turn a blind eye as he obliterated himself. I had sworn I wouldn’t walk away, that I’d stand by him, no matter what. But those promises were made by a naïve fool.
I had stupidly thought that by helping Maxx, I’d be making up for the ways I hadn’t helped Jayme. As though one life could replace the other.
It was absolutely ridiculous.
Maxx wasn’t Jayme. He was his own brand of f**ked-up, and he was so deep in his hell that the only way of being with him was to sink into it with him. He wasn’t prepared to fight any sort of battle to get better. He wasn’t willing to let me fight for him.
My issues about my sister were my own, and I had to find a way to forgive myself and move forward.
And watching the man I loved fall apart was not the way to do it.
But Maxx wouldn’t let me go. He was persistent. He called me over and over again. Our conversations were always the same.
He needed me. He couldn’t live his life without me. He loved me. Oh God, did he love me. He’d die if he couldn’t be with me.
He’d cry. He’d beg. He’d scream. He’d yell. He had become my own personal devil, and I was terrified of him. And for him.
I almost caved so many times. I almost rushed over to his apartment to let him hold me. Maybe, just maybe, this time he’d hear me. He’d realize that he didn’t need the drugs. That together we could get through anything.
I would almost have myself talked into it, and then the other Maxx would come out to play. And he’d become angry. He’d get nasty. And it was easy to deny the primal instinct to rush over and help him.
So I resisted. As painful as it was. I wanted him. My heart hurt from being away from him. In the short time I had known Maxx, he had become essential.
But I was doing this for me. I had to.
Then he stopped calling. He stopped coming to support group. Kristie talked about reporting his noncompliance to his probation officer. I never saw him on campus.
It was like he had disappeared.
I tried calling him, but he didn’t answer. He never answered. He had disappeared—for good this time.
“Do you want some company at the library?” Renee asked me, poking her head into my bedroom. I was packing up my books and assortment of pens, about to head to campus to try to keep my mind off Maxx and what he was possibly doing.
As much as I knew staying away from him was the best thing for me, it didn’t stop how maddening it was to be kept in the dark. The not knowing was going to drive me crazy.
Renee knew some of what was going on with Maxx. I had needed to confide in someone. But I hadn’t been able to tell her everything. She admitted to not being very comfortable around him.
“He’s hot as hell, Aubrey, and he’s crazy about you, that’s obvious,” she had said.
“But . . . ,” I prompted.
“But there’s something in his eyes. They’re so sad. But unbalanced. I’ve seen eyes like that before. Those are scary eyes to see,” Renee had told me, and I couldn’t deny it. Maxx did have sad eyes, and there was something unstable about him. I had seen that firsthand more times than I cared to think about.
As much as I appreciated the renewed confidences of our friendship, I still couldn’t tell Renee everything. I couldn’t tell her about watching Maxx sell drugs, or about knowing that every time we weren’t together, he was using.
That was an ugliness that didn’t need to be shared. It would be buried deep down in the pit of my heart.
What Renee did know was that my relationship with Maxx was in a really bad place and that I was hurting. And if there was anything my best friend understood, it was the pain only the man you loved could give you.
And I felt connected to Renee in a way I had never been before. We were linked by our love for men who could annihilate us.
“Sure, if you want to,” I said, giving her a smile.
“Let me grab my stuff, and I’ll meet you in the living room,” Renee said, walking across the hall to her room.
The doorbell rang just as I finished packing up my things.
“I’ll get it,” I called out to Renee.
My heart started to beat in triple time. Maybe it was Maxx. God, I hoped it was Maxx.
I was pathetic.
The doorbell rang again and then again. Whoever it was didn’t do patient very well.
“I’m coming!” I called out, hurrying to the door.
Please be Maxx.
It wasn’t.
It was so much worse.
“What the hell are you doing here?” I asked angrily.
“Please, I just need to talk to her,” Devon pleaded, his dark brown eyes ringed with black circles. His normally perfectly styled hair looked as though he hadn’t washed it in days.
He was trying his best to look contrite and desperate. But I wouldn’t be fooled. Devon Keeton was a manipulative snake.
“Get the hell out of here before I call the police!” I threatened Devon, before adding in a furious whisper, “I saw what you did to her, you piece of shit. If you think you’re ever getting your hands on her again, you’re more deluded than I thought.”
Devon’s face crumpled, and he cried big crocodile tears. “I didn’t mean to hit her.”
“So she just fell on your fist, then?” I asked, my voice dripping in sarcasm.
Devon shook his head. “I’ll change. I swear it, Aubrey. Just let me see her. She won’t take my phone calls. She won’t answer my texts. I love her!” His voice rose, and I tried to get him to back away from the door so I could shut it in his lying face.
I didn’t want Renee to see him. But it was too late.
“Devon?” she said from behind me. Devon shoved past me and into the apartment. Renee cringed back, and I wanted to kick her ex-boyfriend’s ass for putting that kind of fear in her.