Dr. Lowell took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes. “I don’t need to tell you how serious these accusations are. You have violated our ethical code of conduct. You have abused your role as facilitator and taken advantage of someone in a vulnerable position. This is the grossest kind of misconduct, Aubrey,” Dr. Lowell stated, her voice hardening with her displeasure.
“I understand,” was all I could say.
“I am going to have to begin a departmental investigation into your behavior. There will be a hearing where you will be able to speak on your own behalf. If you are found to have shown misconduct, as your own admission will surely prove, you will be put on disciplinary suspension. It will be up to the disciplinary council to decide whether you should be removed from the counseling program,” Dr. Lowell explained.
I could only nod.
“You’ll receive information in the mail regarding an investigative interview and the time of your hearing. You will get more information about the process when you have your interview. Do you have any questions?” Dr. Lowell asked, her eyes boring into mine.
“I have no questions,” I said, resigned to my fate.
“You can go then. But just know I have never been so disappointed in a student. Your behavior is shocking and reflects poorly not only on yourself but on the entire department.”
I had been dismissed.
I gathered my purse and left Dr. Lowell’s office, head hung low.
My phone rang from inside my bag. I fished it out and looked at the screen, not recognizing the number.
“Aubrey,” the voice breathed on the other end after I said hello.
“Maxx,” I stated, easily recognizing his raspy tone.
I sat down heavily on a bench by the library, tucked into an alcove and shielded from view. My trembling hands had a difficult time holding on to the phone as I clutched it to my ear.
I had been both anticipating and dreading this moment. I had hoped Maxx would have used his time in the hospital to come to see where his life was heading. From the terse way he said my name, I knew that wasn’t the case.
He was angry. And hurt. He felt betrayed and abandoned. It gutted me to think he was feeling all of those things because of me. But this was honestly the only way I could think of to help him. And to help me.
“Are you out of the hospital then?” I asked after an uncomfortable moment of silence.
“No. I’m still here. I’ve been in the detox ward for seventy-two hours, or so they tell me. They said I can go home tomorrow.”
My heart twisted in my chest.
“You’re not going to rehab?” I asked, already knowing the answers.
“I don’t need to go to rehab to get better, Aubrey,” Maxx said defensively.
“Maxx . . . ,” I began, but he cut me off.
“I only need you,” he said with such confidence that I knew in his mind those words were one hundred percent true.
“You almost died, Maxx! You used heroin. Injected it into your damned arm! Do you know I found you barely breathing on the bathroom floor? Your heart stopped! I had to do CPR! I have never been so terrified in my entire life!” I was yelling into the phone. I needed to calm down. But I was so frustrated with him and his complete and total denial.
Maxx was quiet for a time, and I hoped that maybe he’d listen.
“I’m sorry, Aubrey. I didn’t mean for it to go that far. It was the only time I’ve ever used that shit. I didn’t know what I was doing. It won’t happen again.” How easily he excused his behavior. He still didn’t see the pattern he lived in.
“Maxx, the next time you might not wake up. The next time it could be too late. Because I won’t be there.” I had said it, the thing I knew I had to tell him but wished I didn’t.
“Don’t say that, Aubrey! Please!” I could tell he was crying. The tears started falling down my face as I heard the brokenness in his voice.
“I can’t do this without you,” he pleaded.
We cried together on the phone. I tucked my head down into my jacket, trying to get my breathing under control.
“Aubrey, I love you,” he whispered, the words catching in his throat.
“I love you, Maxx,” I choked out, my throat strangling the words as they erupted out of me. I heard Maxx’s sharp intake of breath.
It was horrible timing. Here I was, finally telling him what he wanted so badly to hear, and it came when I was planning to leave him.
“You love me,” he murmured, and I could hear the relief in his voice. I knew what he was thinking—that this made everything better, that I was giving in.
“I’ve waited so long for you to say that.” I heard the catch in Maxx’s voice. “So long.” His words cracked and broke apart.
My tears, which I thought I was long past shedding, started falling in earnest.
“I’ve wanted to say it. I really have,” I told him.
“Then why didn’t you? Why wouldn’t you tell me something so important?” he sobbed.
I scrubbed my face and rubbed away my tears. I felt the steel enter my spine as I prepared to tell him what needed to be said, the things I had been scared to share. But he had to hear them. There was no other choice to make.
“Because I knew something like this would happen, Maxx,” I bit out angrily.
“Don’t put your inability to communicate off on me! You didn’t tell me because you like to f**k with my feelings! Because you like to torture me!” he yelled in my ear.
And then he was sobbing again. “I didn’t mean that, Aubrey. I really didn’t,” he babbled.
“I can’t trust you with my love, Maxx. Those words are precious. I wanted to know that when I gave them to you, you’d take care of them. You’d cherish them. You’d return my feelings as a healthy and whole person,” I said earnestly.
Maxx took several shuddering breaths. “Then why tell me now? Why say you love me when it’s obvious you’re not sticking around? Because from where I’m sitting, that just makes you look heartless.”
His words shook me, and I tried in vain to stop myself from crying again. “Because I want you to know what you’re giving up by not going to rehab. I want you to see what I’m willing to give you. And I hope . . . I really hope that you’ll want to fight for it—to fight for yourself!”
I swallowed thickly and prepared to deliver the final blow.
“I love you so much, Maxx. I do. And that’s why I can’t watch you kill yourself. I won’t. And it’s because I love you that I’m walking away,” I said, my voice hoarse with emotion.