“Thanks, Maxxy!” David called out, and I looked over my shoulder one last time to see the older man crouched down, picking the money up off the ground and Landon standing just inside the garage, watching us leave.
I lifted my hand to say good-bye, and Landon waved back. My stomach twisted in knots at leaving the younger boy by himself with his uncle. I could only imagine how Maxx felt each and every time he had to go home.
“Get in!” Maxx said gruffly, holding the door open for me. His entire body was trembling, and his eyes were manic.
I scrambled inside. Maxx slammed the door shut behind me before getting in the car. He pounded his fists on the steering wheel and yelled. It was a deep, painful sound that made me want to touch him, to comfort him. But something told me my actions wouldn’t be well received right now.
In quick, jerky movements, he started the engine and pulled away from the curb, not bothering to look for oncoming traffic.
“I hate that f**ker!” Maxx howled, jerking the car right, then left, as he began the drive back to his apartment.
“I’m going to f**k that bastard up one day! When Landon doesn’t have to live there anymore, he’s going to find himself at the bottom of a seven-foot hole,” Maxx raged, swerving in and out of traffic.
My heart was beating wildly in my chest. I was worried about us getting back to the apartment in one piece. But I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of his anger.
And something told me he wouldn’t hear anything I had to say anyway.
Once we got back to the apartment, I hurried to follow Maxx up the stairs. He didn’t wait for me.
He headed straight for his bedroom, not stopping to turn on lights or even to take off his jacket. The Maxx he had been earlier that morning was gone.
Maxx pulled out the drawer of his bedside table, sending it crashing to the floor. He fell to his knees and picked up the brown bottle that he always kept there but that I had hoped he’d never need again.
All the warm, fuzzy feelings I had been enveloped by earlier disappeared into a mixture of distress and revulsion as I watched Maxx shake several pills into his palm, then put them in his mouth. They made a sickening crunch as he smashed them between his teeth.
Then he shook out a few more, and they followed the first lot down his throat.
It was then that he looked up and realized I was still there.
“Go home, Aubrey,” he said tiredly, getting to his feet so he could fall onto his bed.
“Why?” I couldn’t help asking. I wasn’t sure what my question meant. Why did he let his uncle get to him like that? Why had his first instinct been to come home and get loaded? Why couldn’t he turn to me when he was upset? Why was I always competing with the bitch at the bottom of that bottle? He said he needed me, that he wanted me! But what did he turn to when things got rough?
Why couldn’t I be enough?
Maxx shook his head, putting an arm over his eyes. “Just go home,” he repeated dully.
And with a sad resignation, I left him, unable to watch as he fell down the dark pit he seemed determined to throw himself into.
Chapter twenty-three
maxx
i wished Aubrey could be enough.
And even though I couldn’t stay away from her and even though I wanted to be with her all the time, I couldn’t let myself depend on her completely.
Why couldn’t I allow myself to turn to her when I was at my lowest, when I fell down and smashed into pieces?
I was a man split in two. And the part of me that craved Aubrey was fighting the part of me that craved something else entirely.
When Aubrey and I were together, I didn’t hear the noise in my head. My body didn’t ache with the cravings I had become so familiar with. I couldn’t think about anything but losing myself in her.
She was my balm. And while she was with me, her hands, her lips, her smile, her laugh were the only drugs I wanted.
Until the anger took over. Then I needed something more than Aubrey’s calm to erase the raging inside me.
And when Aubrey would leave, she took her place.
She didn’t like to be ignored. She howled in my brain and twisted my body in her rage. She needed to be appeased before she ate me alive.
In those desperate moments, I was only too happy to give in. It was as though the hours with Aubrey were a dam, and when she was gone, the waters were released, sweeping me away without mercy. It hurt to resist. So I didn’t.
I used to need only one pill to get high. Then it was two. Then three.
Now it was four pills until I was experiencing the kind of bliss that easily replaced everyone and everything.
And for a time, even Aubrey.
They were at war against each other, Aubrey and the drugs. Both had a claim on me. I needed both. But they couldn’t coexist.
I had to hide the drugs from Aubrey. I had to be careful. I understood that, given what had happened to her sister, she hated them. She was as straight-edged as they came.
She didn’t understand that it was my choice to use. That I dictated when and how much I took. That being high was the greatest form of control I had in my life.
I wished things could have been as easy as holding Aubrey’s hand and skipping off into the sunset of our happily ever after. I really wanted that.
But I had responsibilities. Landon relied on me. My uncle used me. Gash and the club had me by the nuts if I didn’t do my job. And the drugs . . . they owned me. They were my key out of the prison. And even the promise of Aubrey wasn’t enough for me to throw that key away. My heart wanted to, but my mind wouldn’t let me.
So I kept her.
We all had our secrets, and the pills were mine.
And I was Aubrey’s.
She was terrified we’d be found out. She agonized over the consequences of being with me. Without realizing it, she had turned me into something ugly and shameful. And I couldn’t even blame her for that, because I already felt those things about myself.
But when Aubrey kissed me, when I was inside her, I could pretend I was enough.
She told me I was perfect, that I was smart and worthy. She tirelessly worked on building me up so that I would never have the temptation to fall.
When we were together, I believed it all. But when she left, I doubted, at least until I was with her again.
I’d put the pills between my teeth and smile while I swallowed my self-destruction.
Is there any better feeling than knowing that every pain, every hurt, every disgusting, guilt-ridden thought could be erased . . . just . . . like . . . that?
I wasn’t expecting Aubrey until after her evening class. I had roughly five hours to kill before I had to be sober. So I decided to use the time wisely. I found the bag of oxy in my dresser drawer and shook four pills out onto my palm.