Or maybe I hadn’t destroyed him.
Maybe I had only succeeded in destroying myself.
Because Flynn didn’t seem ruined.
He seemed healthier than he had ever been before. His confidence, while still beleaguered, had grown by leaps and bounds.
This wasn’t a man who had been beaten down by circumstances. This was someone who embraced life the only way he could. The only way he allowed himself.
I pressed my hand into his and gave him a slight squeeze. I felt him stiffen and then pull away. His fingers escaping, recoiling.
Flynn clasped his hands together in front of him and started that incessant rubbing that I recognized all too well.
I curled my fingers into my palm and clenched them tightly. I felt his rejection acutely. I knew it wasn’t his fault. I knew his physical limitations. I felt them as well. But I had hoped…
That was the problem. I had hoped.
It would be so easy for me to get angry. To reject Flynn as surely as he had just rejected me. To call him names. To turn my back and walk away.
But I didn’t.
I dug my nails into my palm and gave Flynn a smile like he hadn’t just hurt me.
He had no idea what he had done.
“Where are you going now? Can I walk with you?” Flynn asked me. He was still rubbing his hands and I wished he’d stop. His anxiety was catching.
“I have a meeting with my advisor to talk about classes for next semester. I’m not sure I’m going to go though,” I said, telling him the thing I hadn’t quite admitted to myself yet.
Flynn stopped rubbing his hands and tucked them into the pocket of his pants. “Why wouldn’t you go? You have to pick out classes. That’s important,” he said, as if it were that easy.
“Did you go to college, Flynn?”
Flynn nodded. “Yes, I went to Guildford College. I graduated last year before Mom died. I majored in fine arts.” I wasn’t surprised. Flynn was smart. He was talented. Even at fifteen I had known he was destined for greater things than Wellsburg, West Virginia.
“I never went to school,” I murmured, looking down at my feet. The pair of us must look ridiculous, standing there, neither looking at the other.
“You’re at school now,” Flynn said, sounding confused.
My shoulders rose and fell in an exaggerated shrug. “I don’t know if I can keep it up. It’s a lot,” I said, giving voice to fears that I had tamped down with a lot of effort.
“I don’t understand.” I could hear the frown in Flynn’s voice.
“I just don’t know if it’s right for me,” I replied almost belligerently. I could tell him that a sad, little kid, raised in the system didn’t have a chance for happy, shiny futures. That I had accepted that I would my days in Wellsburg, living with Dania, hanging out with Stu, Shane and Reggie. Getting wasted on the weekends and barely paying my bills.
It may not be the life I had hoped for, but it was the one I was given.
“You should do it. I liked college. You will too,” Flynn’s reassurance washed over me.
I startled when he took my hand in his. He twined his fingers through mine, just as I had done a few minutes before. My head shot up and I met his eyes. His intensity made me shiver.
His fingers trembled in mine but he didn’t pull away. Our hands were joined together, his arm stretched out in front of him. He didn’t move any closer. We did nothing to close the distance between us but his palm pressed against mine was more intimate than if he had been holding me.
“You should do what makes you happy. You are smart. You are beautiful. You can do anything. You don’t belong here. You belong out there,” he said. I was struck speechless. I never expected something so poignant from Flynn. He surprised me.
He pushed me just when I needed it. Despite his social awkwardness, he had given me the words that I needed.
His hand clung to mine and I never wanted him to let go.
“I’ve got a meeting to get to. Will you walk with me?” I whispered, scared that if I spoke any louder I’d lose my nerve.
Flynn nodded.
And he held my hand the entire way.
16
-Ellie-
“Where’s Murphy?” I asked Erin after arriving at the animal shelter later that afternoon.
Flynn had walked me to the Dunlop building and had let go of my hand.
“I have to go,” he said.
“Thanks for coming with me,” I had responded but he hadn’t heard me. He was already walking away.
I had met with Professor Au, another English teacher at Black River Community College and I told her of the classes Professor Smith had suggested. She had agreed they seemed like good options. I needed to make another appointment at the financial aid office to finalize the grants to cover the costs.
Then Professor Au had asked me, “Will you be looking to transfer to a four-year school for the fall?”
And even despite Flynn’s pep talk and the huge step I had taken by confirming my continued enrollment for next semester, I just couldn’t commit to anything beyond that.
So I had brushed off her question in my brash, rough way and our meeting had ended shortly after that.
But I felt good. I had been given some cautious optimism. And that was a hell of a lot more than I had ever had before.
I was in good spirits when I arrived at the animal shelter for my volunteer hours. I needed some fur and slobber and puppy adoration. It was with a dawning grief that I found his cage empty.
I knew that he was scheduled to be euthanized next week, though I had purposefully kept this out of my mind. I didn’t want to think about my big beautiful dog being put to sleep. But I couldn’t commit to bringing him home with me, as much as I cared for him.
Not now with my future so up in the air. Not when I was being pulled in so many different directions.
Murphy deserved better than my flaky selfishness.
Erin came up behind me and put a hand on my shoulder. I tensed and instantly pulled away. Her sympathy smothering me.
I was too late.
Murphy was gone. And I could have saved him. Once again my inability to make the right choices had cost me something that mattered.
“He was adopted,” Erin said and I was so lost in hating myself that I didn’t register her words right away.
When it finally dawned on me what she had said I felt my chest constrict.
“What did you say?” I demanded.
Erin chuckled but didn’t touch me again, though I knew it was killing her not to pat my back. She was the touchy feely type.
“Apparently someone came in over the weekend and adopted him. I saw the paperwork on my desk when I got here this morning.”