Had I ever felt joy before?
Yes I had.
Once.
With him.
I surged upwards on my feet, startling Flynn. He looked up at me, his brow furrowed in confusion.
“I have to go,” I told him suddenly.
His frown deepened.
“You don’t like the show? I can change the channel. We can watch the A-Team another time,” he said, consulting his watch to be sure of the time.
I shook my head.
“I don’t f**king want to watch TV!” I fumed, unable to hold back the outburst that barreled its way out of my chest.
I needed to leave. The hateful part was combating the tiny shred of happiness that had unwillingly unfurled in my gut. The happiness didn’t belong there. It had no place in the black pit of my heart.
“You’re mad,” Flynn deduced, watching my face, analyzing.
Yes I was mad. I was freaking furious. But it made no sense.
I was f**ked up. I was scarred and ruined. I would taint him with my ugliness.
I needed to leave.
“I just need to go.” I didn’t explain. There was no way I could give voice to the demons possessing me.
“I’ll drive you. I can watch the A-Team tomorrow. It’s on at 5:00 every day.” I was sick and tired of hearing about the stupid A-Team!
I didn’t say anything. I waited for him to get his car keys and I let him take me home.
I couldn’t say I’m sorry.
I hated those words. They sucked and they were never true.
Because I wasn’t sorry.
It was better to break now than shatter later.
14
-Flynn-
Many years ago…
I hated the snow.
I hated the way it made my hair wet and fell into the collar of my shirt.
My mom had given me a scarf but I wouldn’t wear it. It felt too tight on my neck. It made me itch.
I walked home from school. I liked walking home. I looked at my watch and started to count. Five minutes until I came to the fork in the road. Three hundred seconds.
I didn’t need the paper Mom had made for me anymore. I remembered the minutes and seconds without it. That made me happy.
“Hey Freaky!” I knew that voice. It was the mean girl, Dania. I walked faster. Snow slushed into my sneakers. My toes were cold. Too cold. I needed to take off my shoes and socks.
“Slow down! Where you goin’?” That was also a voice I knew. It was the mean boy Stu. He was worse than Dania. He would hit me in gym class. He locked me in a bathroom stall last week and I missed my classes.
I cried and yelled but no one came to get me.
No one found me until after school let out. My mom was mad. She went and spoke to the principal. The principal said he’d do something.
Stu was still mean to me.
Now he was worse.
I was scared. I didn’t want them to walk with me.
“Freaky Flyyynn,” another voice sing-songed and I stopped. Because that was the voice of my friend. Ellie. She liked me. She came to my house almost every day and we played with Marty and ate Mom’s banana bread.
Mom told me she wasn’t a good friend. That if she was mean to me at school then she didn’t really like me. I got angry when Mom said that and broke the mirror in my bedroom. Mom started to cry and then I felt sad. I hated it when my mom cried.
I turned around and was happy to see Ellie. She was smiling too but it looked weird. I didn’t like that smile.
“Hi, Ellie,” I said. I pulled my gloves off and dropped them in the snow. I started rubbing my hands. Running my fingers along my skin. I didn’t like the cold. Up and down. Over and over again.
“You didn’t answer my question, Freaky. Where ya headed?” Stu asked. He wasn’t wearing a coat. Wasn’t he cold?
“Home,” I told him.
“Home? Well why don’t we walk with you to make sure you get there safely. Wouldn’t want anything to happen to our good buddy Freaky on the way,” Dania said.
That was nice of them. Maybe they wanted to be my friends now. Maybe they’d want to hang out like Ellie did. Maybe then she would talk to me in school and they’d let me eat my lunch.
That made me happy so I nodded.
“You can come to my house,” I said.
Ellie was frowning. She looked mad.
“Let’s go, guys. We’re supposed to meet Shane and Reggie at the diner,” Ellie said. Why didn’t she want to come to my house with Dania and Stu?
“No, Ells, we’re going with Freaky. We have to escort him home. It’s our civic duty, ya know,” Dania smiled at me again and I smiled back.
She was being nice. I liked it when she was nice.
She put her arm around me and I shoved her back.
“Whoa, what was that for?” she asked me and I knew I had done something wrong. She wasn’t smiling anymore. She didn’t look like she wanted to be my friend.
“He doesn’t like to be touched, Dania. Everybody knows that,” Ellie said. I shook my head. That wasn’t true. I liked it when she touched me. Sometimes Ellie would hold my hand and that felt nice.
Ellie was frowning again and that made my stomach hurt.
Dania said something to Stu and then they were smiling again. “Come on, Freaky. Let’s go to your house. I won’t touch you. I promise,” Dania said.
“My name isn’t Freaky. It’s Flynn,” I said as we started walking again.
“Freaky Flynn. Yeah, I know,” Stu said. He was walking beside me.
“No. Not Freaky Flynn. Just Flynn!” I told him. I hated that name. It made me mad when people called me that. I never wanted to hear it again.
Stu patted my arm and I pulled away. He laughed. He was laughing at me. I wanted to hit him.
“Stop laughing at him, Stu. Be nice,” Dania said, hitting his arm. I liked Dania. She was nice.
My feet were really cold. I needed to take my socks off. My toes hurt. I couldn’t walk while my toes hurt.
“Why did you stop?” Dania asked.
“My socks are wet. I need to take them off,” I told her.
“Let’s walk up to the bridge and you can take them off there. I’ll help you,” Dania said and I was smiling again. She would help me. She was my friend now.
I looked at my watch. “We will be at the red barn in four minutes. That’s two hundred and forty seconds,” I told them, proud of myself for not needing the paper Mom had made for me. I could tell them without looking at it.
“Two hundred and forty seconds, huh? Well that’s good to know,” Dania said.
“Guys, seriously. We should be heading to the diner,” Ellie said from behind me.