Something he saw in her expression must have softened him, because he said gently, “Tell me what’s going on in that head of yours. Tell me what you’re feeling.” He stiffened. Closed his eyes for a moment and moaned. “Good God. I just realized I’m Cathy.”
“I don’t understand.”
He gave a wry shake of his head. “I’ve got a beautiful woman underneath me, and I’m asking to discuss our feelings and future. Hell, I want to discuss them. I’m pathetic.”
Do not melt. Do not freaking melt. “Look, Jaxon, it’s not you. Okay? It’s me. I can’t do relationships.”
“Like I haven’t heard that one before. Like I haven’t said it before.” Shaking his head, he began to withdraw from her.
Unable to stop herself, she wound her arms around his waist and held him in place. His hard muscles leapt underneath her palms, as if reaching for her, needing more. She couldn’t allow herself the pleasure of this man’s most intimate touch, but she couldn’t hurt him and send him on his way, either.
“I never told you my secret,” she said. She licked her lips, heart hammering inside her chest. Was she really going to do this?
He merely arched a brow.
“If I were with you, I would not be able to remain faithful.” Her cheeks heated with humiliation. Say it. Tell him the rest. “When I’m ordered to pleasure a target, I do it.” Only seconds ago, she hadn’t wanted to hurt him, had decided to open up to save him the pain of rejection. Yet here she was, throwing her words at him like a weapon, trying to cut him all the way to the bone with them.
Better to see fury in his eyes. She did not want to see disgust. Or worse, pity.
Jaxon didn’t recoil and his expression didn’t change. He just continued to study her. “Why?” he asked. A moment later, his eyes widened and the fury she’d wanted to see danced over his harsh features. “The chip.”
But the fury was not directed at her; it was directed at Estap.
“Tell me,” Jaxon demanded.
Her lips pursed, and she nodded. “Yes. The chip.”
“That’s rape.” At her temples, his hands fisted the sheet so tightly her head was momentarily lifted. “Who is this ass**le?” His voice was taut, and she suspected he asked only because he needed a moment to calm himself.
Le’Ace wouldn’t name names. If Jaxon showed up on Estap’s doorstep, she would be the one to suffer. She really would be ordered to kill him. So she said, “Once, I was controlled by a group of scientists and a government official. I was like their pet. Only I wasn’t fed treats and cuddled.”
“And I bet you think the negative treatment was your fault, huh?”
He asked the question casually, probably unaware of her secret shame. Part of her did consider the things she endured her own fault. “I stopped fighting them. I—”
“You stopped fighting only to survive, sweetheart. They hurt you when you fight, yes?”
Sweetheart. The endearment rocked her to the core. Over the years, she’d heard many men call their women sweetheart. Every time, her chest had ached. Jealousy had spilled through her blood. Now she was on the receiving end of that moniker and it was as wonderful as she’d always suspected.
“That doesn’t make you weak or mean you were asking for it. That makes those men sadistic motherfuckers who deserve to die.” Pushing out a hard breath, Jaxon tangled his hand in his hair. “No wonder you hate to be touched.”
He’d noticed? Something warm spread through her chest. “I let you touch me, and I wasn’t ordered to do so.”
“Still. Damn it!” Curse after curse exploded from his lips, not screams but whispers, and somehow all the more powerful because of that. “Every time they commanded you to do it, it was goddamn rape.” His gaze bored into her, hot and probing. “You are not going back to those bastards, do you understand?” Not giving her time to answer, he growled, “Give me their names.”
“The men?”
“Yes. All of them.”
“They’re dead.”
“Someone controls you now. He called you. You’ve admitted it. I want his name.”
“You’re going to what? Hunt him down? Kill him?”
“Hell, yes. Slowly and painfully. I’ll start by flaying the skin from his bones and I’ll finish with helping him bite off his own cock. Name. Now.”
Jaxon’s vehemence was like soothing balm to her corroded emotions. So many times over the years, she’d entertained the notion that her creators really had wiped her of her humanity. Now she could feel a well of tenderness, soft as butterfly wings. Yet the tenderness was actually killing her, she realized, breaking her down little by little, stripping her of the shell she needed to survive the cold world she lived in.
I’m cruel. I’m hard. I have to be.
Tears burned in her eyes.
With a groan, Jaxon dropped his head. His temple pressed against hers, the most comforting of touches. “Don’t cry, baby. Please don’t cry.”
“I’m not,” she managed brokenly. “I’m half machine. Sometimes my parts leak.”
He uttered a hoarse chuckle, but the dark humor didn’t last long. He pulled back and peered down at her intently. “We have until morning. I’ll think of something, okay? I won’t let you go with that man.”
Impossible. She knew that. “You can’t take me with you. My location can be tracked anywhere, anytime.” The very technology that made her nearly indestructible was also responsible for her agony.
“Well, I’m not leaving without you.”
If only. “Be reasonable.” One of them had to be, anyway, though she might wish otherwise. “We’ve known each other a few days. That kind of dedication is stupid.”
“Is it? And we’ve known each other a few weeks.”
“Yes, it is. And you were asleep for most of those weeks so they don’t count.”
“Well, I’m awake now so I’m going to make today count.” As he spoke, he leaned closer, so close his mouth almost touched hers. Almost. He remained a hated whisper away.
Suddenly panting, she licked her lips. Shove him off. You cannot afford to do this. “Sleeping together isn’t going to change anything.”
“Maybe. Maybe not. But it will damn well make us feel better.” His warm breath caressed her nose, her cheeks.
A shiver danced through her.