"I know he'll be better in time ... I just hope I can be there for him enough. So much is happening. College, being queen ... and always, always, there's spirit there, pressing down on me. Smothering me.' Alarm shot through me. And panic. Panic over something far worse than not knowing what Lissa was feeling or where she was. Spirit. I was afraid of spirit--and the fact that I couldn't fight it for her. "The darkness ... I can't absorb it anymore. What will we do?'
A twisted smile crossed her lips. "You mean, what will I do. It's my problem now, Rose. Like it always should have been.'
"But, no ... you can't. St. Vladimir--'
"Isn't me. And you can protect me from some things but not all.'
I shook my head. "No, no. I can't let you face spirit alone.'
"I'm not exactly alone. I talked to Sonya. She's really good at healing charms and thinks there's a way to keep myself in balance.'
"Oksana said the same thing,' I recalled, feeling hardly reassured.
"And ... there's always the antidepressants. I don't like them, but I'm queen now. I have responsibilities. I'll do what I have to. A queen gives up everything, right?'
"I guess.' I couldn't help feeling frightened. Useless. "I'm just so worried about you, and I don't know how to help you anymore.'
"I told you: you don't have to. I'll protect my mind. Your job's to protect my body, right? And Dimitri will be around too. It'll all be okay.'
The conversation with Dimitri came back to me. Who were you going for? Me or her?
I gave her the best smile I could. "Yeah. It'll all be okay.'
Her hand squeezed mine. "I'm so glad you're back, Rose. You'll always be part of me, no matter what. And honestly ... I'm kind of glad you can't see my sex life anymore.'
"That makes two of us.' I laughed. No bond. No magical attachment. It was going to be so strange, but really ... did I need it? In real life, people formed bonds of another nature. Bonds of love and loyalty. We would get through this. "I'll always be there for you, you know. Anything you need.'
"I know,' she said. "And actually ... I need you for something now ...'
"Name it,' I said.
She did.
Chapter Thirty-five
I WISHED LISSA HAD "needed' me to go take out an army of Strigoi. I would have felt more comfortable with that than what she needed to do now: meet with Jill to discuss the coronation. Lissa wanted me there for support, as a kind of go-between. I wasn't able to walk that well yet, so we waited another day. Lissa seemed glad for the delay.
Jill was waiting for us in a small room I'd never expected to see again: the parlor where Tatiana had berated me for moving in on Adrian. It had been a pretty bizarre experience at the time, seeing as Adrian and I hadn't actually been involved back then. Now, after everything that had occurred between him and me, it just felt ... strange. Confusing. I still didn't know what had happened to him since Tasha's arrest. Walking in there, I also felt terribly ... alone. No, not alone. Uninformed. Vulnerable. Jill sat in a chair, her hands folded in her lap. She stared straight ahead with an unreadable face. Beside me, Lissa's own features were equally blank. She felt ... well, that was the thing. I didn't know. I didn't know. I mean, I could tell she was uncomfortable, but there were no thoughts in my head to tip me off. I had no specifics. Again, I reminded myself that the rest of the world worked like this. You functioned alone. You did your best to manage strange situations without the magical insight of another person. I'd never realized how much I'd taken the thoughts of even just one other person for granted.
The one thing I felt sure of was that both Lissa and Jill were freaked out by each other--but not by me. That was why I was here.
"Hey, Jill,' I said, smiling. "How are you?'
She snapped out of whatever thoughts had been occupying her and jumped up from the chair. I thought that was strange, but then it made sense. Lissa. You rose when a queen entered the room.
"It's okay,' said Lissa, stumbling over her words a little. "Sit.' She took a seat opposite Jill. It was the biggest chair in the room--the one Tatiana had always sat in.
Jill hesitated a moment, then shifted her gaze back to me. I must have provided some encouragement because she returned to her chair. I sat in one beside Lissa, wincing as a small pain tightened in my chest. Worry for me momentarily distracted Jill from Lissa.
"How are you feeling? Are you okay? Should you even be out of bed?' The cute, rambling nature. I was glad to see it again.
"Fine,' I lied. "Good as new.'
"I was worried. When I saw what happened ... I mean, there was so much blood and so much craziness and no one knew if you'd pull through ...' Jill frowned. "I don't know. It was all so scary. I'm so glad you're okay.'
I kept smiling, hoping to reassure her. Silence fell then. The room grew tense. In political situations, Lissa was the expert, always able to smooth everything over with the right words. I was the one who spoke up in uncomfortable scenarios, saying the things that shocked others. The things no one wanted to hear. This situation seemed like one that required her diplomacy, but I knew it was on me to take charge.
"Jill,' I said, "we wanted to know if you'd be willing to, well, take part in the coronation ceremony.'
Jill's eyes flicked briefly to Lissa--still stone-faced--and then back to me. "What does "take part' mean, exactly? What would I have to do?'
"Nothing hard,' I assured her. "It's just some formalities that are usually done by family members. Ceremonial stuff. Like you did with the vote.' I hadn't witnessed that, but Jill had apparently only had to stand by Lissa's side to show family strength. Such a small thing for a law to hinge on. "Mostly, it's about being on display and putting on a good face.'