“Where at?”
I pulled out onto Colfax and headed to the highway in the direction of Brookside.
“Where are we going?” I knew Ayden was curious but when I woke up this morning and Rule had been so cloyingly polite and kind there were two things that I knew I had to accomplish that day. The first was done and the second, well I wasn’t sure but I felt like the second might end up being even more painful.
“I just need to swing by and see an old friend really quick.”
“In Brookside?”
“Just outside, let me just get through it first and then I’ll explain.” I drove silently through the mountains until we got to the small cemetery on the outskirts of Evergreen listening to The Dawes play melancholy songs that fit my mood the entire way. It looked more like a ranch than a cemetery and I had always thought it was so ironic that Remy was buried so far out of the city on such a quiet piece of land when he had been so buoyant and so full of energy and life. I parked in the visitor’s lot and pulled on a pair of gloves and a hat because I wasn’t sure how long I was going to need and it was even colder up here at a higher elevation than it was in the city.
“I’ll leave the keys so you can run the heater and mess with the radio. I’m not sure how long I’m going to be.”
Ayden’s amber gaze was liquid with sadness and understanding. She gave me a quick one armed hug and shooed me off. “I’ll be fine you take as long as you need. You can spring for a hot stone massage if it takes you too long.”
“Deal.” That’s why I loved this girl.
My boots crunched on the snow as I made my way to the back of the lot where the grave stone sat so cold and sterile, just one more shade of gray on the barren winter landscape. There was a bright spray of red roses lying on top of the stark white plot and it made me smile. Remy loved red, loved things that were vibrant and eye catching, anything that suited his personality. Not caring that the ground was frozen and covered in snow I knelt down and traced his name with a gloved finger. Tears immediately filled my eyes. I moved my hand along to glide over the huge horseshoe both the surviving Archer boys had insisted go on their siblings headstone. Turned upward it was said to keep all the good luck in, Rome liked the symbolism, Rule liked that it was a visual representation that tied the two of them together for eternity.
“Hey handsome. I’m sorry it’s been so long since my last visit but things have been…intense.” I laughed humorously. “I have a feeling if you were here you would be laughing your ass off at everyone and shaking your head at all of us. I miss you so much and every single day I think it would make things so much better if I could just call you, that you would make everything make sense and keep it all together. Doing this is a million times harder without you.” I was crying in earnest now and couldn’t really see the headstone clearly any more. I flattened my palm over his name and concentrated on taking deep breaths in and out. “I’m sleeping with your brother and if you thought I was a silly lovesick fool before you should see me now. I’m freaking out because he’s being too nice. I know, only I would worry about my boyfriend being too nice but we both know Rule and something is up he won’t talk to me about. By the way how weird is it that I’m calling Rule my boyfriend? My heart turns over every time I do it and sometimes I feel like my entire world is in his eyes and yet he still closes me out, still shuts down and makes it so very hard to just love him. If you were here I would make you pull it out of him and he would tell you because he always did.” I sighed and let my head fall forward. “I wish you had told them, Rule and Rome. I wish you had trusted them enough to let them in like you did for me. You’re mother has gone off her rocker because Rule still refuses to be your carbon copy and as a result your family is in tatters. Maybe if everyone knew, if you had tried to let them know everyone deserves to be loved no matter how they choose to live their lives it wouldn’t be like this. Your dad is coming around but still trying to keep Margot out of the loony bin and Rome, poor Rome is just a giant Ping-Pong ball trying to protect everybody and make everything okay but he has no help, he needs you to be the mediator like you always were.”
My knees were freezing and my pants had long since soaked through. My teeth were chattering and I had quickly learned that super cold weather and nipple piercings were not exactly a great combo.
“I have a crazy ex that is in turn stalking me and harassing me and it’s making my life hell. My parents are convinced I should marry him and move to Cherry Hills, Rule hates him and there’s a good chance if the ex keeps it up is going to murder him and it just makes things that are already complicated and no fun even more awful. I have a sneaky suspicion that if you had been around you would have seen through all Gabe’s polish and shine to the tarnish underneath and I wouldn’t have ever ended up in this situation in the first place. I miss having you protect me from myself, your brother is all about keeping me safe and I think he really honestly cares but he’s so busy keeping me safe from everyone, himself included that I don’t think he sees that I can be my own worst enemy and he keeps talking about messing things up between us and I don’t have the heart to tell him that he can’t ever mess up bad enough to make me stop loving him, but there is a good chance that like everyone else he’s going to see what I have to offer isn’t all that great and want more than I can give. It’s so convoluted and twisted I can’t even believe we got as far as we have.”
I laughed a little, real laughter this time and a couple standing by a grave a few feet away gave me a dirty look.
“I got drunk on my birthday and threw myself at him. I was terrified the entire time he was going to turn me down, to claim that he was taking advantage of me because I was drunk but it happened and I totally gave up the v-card to your twin. Somehow I know you would find that hysterical and never let me live it down. You were right I was always just waiting for him to get with the program and now that he has, well let me just say the program is amazing and I have a hard time seeing a future without it or without him.”
I pressed a kiss to the stiff leather of the glove and placed it on his name. “Every day Rem, every single day something reminds me of you, makes me think of things I want to tell you, makes want to cry because of what happened to you. Every day I miss you and right now when I need you more than I ever I try to make decisions, try to go in a direction that I know would make you proud, would make you smile for me but it’s hard.”