Nash jerked his head in the direction of my room. “She hasn’t made a sound. She never surfaced after the shower so I don’t know how she’s doing, but I have to go or I’m going to be late for my appointment and I still need to tweak the drawing a little.”
“It’s cool I got her. Maybe she was just so stressed out she slept the whole time.”
“You could only be so lucky bro.”
I snorted and waved him off as I headed toward my room. The door was closed and everything was dark when I pushed it open. Shaw was curled up in the fetal position in the center of the bed and it didn’t take a genius to tell she was wide awake and had been crying. She had her hands tucked up under her cheek and was staring sightlessly at the blank TV.
“What did you do to him?” Her voice was raw and even more husky than normal from crying. I sat on the edge of the bed reached out to run a hand over her thigh.
“I told him to back off and that it wasn’t smart to piss off someone that had me as a boyfriend. I don’t know what his deal is Shaw, I think the dude is certifiable he just doesn’t relate on any kind of logical level.”
“I thought you were going to hurt him.”
“Well I might have but it was broad daylight and there was an entire college of students walking around. I pushed him around a little and we tossed some crap at each other but I just mostly wanted him to know you aren’t alone, that if he hurts you there are plenty of people waiting in the wings to hurt him back.”
Silent tears ran down her face and I had to lean all the way over her prone form to wipe them away with my thumbs.
“I just want him to go away. I never did anything to deserve this. All I ever do is what everyone else wants why I am being punished for doing the one thing in life I want for myself.”
“I don’t know Casper, I just don’t know.” I didn’t know how to make her feel better so I just scooted up on the bed behind her and gathered her up in my arms while she cried. I didn’t consider myself an empathetic or even a compassionate guy. I was usually so wrapped up in my own head and my own spiral of emotional nonsense to pay much attention to anyone else’s, but holding Shaw while she cried changed something in me on a fundamental level. I felt like there was nothing on earth I wouldn’t do or wouldn’t give to make this better for her. I felt like a failure for not stopping it from happening to her and I knew that from this point on keeping an eye on her and keeping her relatively safe from just Davenport wasn’t enough. Suddenly with blinding clarity I knew that I wanted to keep her safe and protected from anything that was ever going to hurt her forever and ever and that just sucked because I had a sneaky suspicion that somewhere along the line I had probably been the cause of just as much distress as polo shirt was proving create and that just made me want to break things all over again.
Chapter 14
Shaw
“Are you sure you want to do this?” Ayden sounded nervous and she wasn’t thrilled I had dragged her to Marked so early in the morning. We were sitting in a little room at the shop I had never seen before even though I was spending more and more time at the shop waiting for Rule to get off or dropping him off dinner if he had to work late. The room had clearly been decorated by a female, Cora’s funky sense of style was all over the place and it smelled a little less antiseptic than the rest of the shop. I was sitting on a chair that looked an awful lot like the one you would find in a gynecologist’s office and nervously fidgeting with everything in sight.
“I’m sure.”
“I just don’t understand why you want to do something that’s going to hurt.”
“It’ll only hurt for a minute and I trust Cora.” I did. Whenever I was at the shop we inevitably ended up spending hours talking and had even taken our budding friendship out of the building. When Rule or Rome were unable to pull ‘eyes on Shaw duty’ Cora didn’t seem to mind hanging out with me until one of my many watch dogs was free. I really liked her and since the idea had taken root I was happy that having someone I knew and was comfortable with pierce me was the only way I was going to go through with it. Cora had even agreed to come in when the shop was closed while Rule and Nash were at the gym so that I could keep it a surprise.
“I just want to make sure you’re doing it for you and not for Rule. What if you guys break up and the next guy you date is all straight laced and proper? Pierced ni**les might not work for your next boyfriend.”
I gave her a bored look and tried to calm my nerves. The truth was doing it had nothing to do with Rule. I was back to feeling like I had no control over my life again. The thing with my car and the way Gabe was still influencing my day to day life, the pressure from my parents about everything from my hair to Rule, the way Rule disappeared inside himself when I started to get too close it was all closing in on me and I needed something that was just for me. I wanted this little something that was my choice, a decision to alter my body that no one else had any say in. I was having migraines more frequently, three in the last two weeks and if I didn’t do something I was going to shatter apart in too many pieces to put back together.
“If I Rule and I break up you really think the next guy in my life is going to be all clean cut and preppy?”
“I don’t see why not. You dated Gabe for six months and he’s about as opposite physically from Rule as one can get. I bet pierced ni**les would send him into cardiac arrest.”
“I’m never dating anyone just because I’m supposed to again, and I’m not planning on dating anyone besides Rule for the foreseeable future anyway so let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”
The truth was things had been strained between Rule and I for the last week. I didn’t know what it was but he was treating me like I was spun sugar and going to break apart at any moment. When he didn’t think I was paying attention I would catch him staring at me with a confused look in his gaze like he was trying to figure out what I was still doing there, or why he was still around. He was obsessively concerned about my safety and making sure I was never ever alone and even though we still spent every night together at alternating homes the time we spent in bed had morphed from passionate and out of control, to moments that felt tender and fleeting and while it was nice and hard to complain about it didn’t feel like him and it was starting to really concern me. I didn’t know how to address it because it wasn’t like there was anything actually wrong, he was still emotionally present, still attentive and clearly willing to try like I asked him but something was off I just couldn’t put my finger on what it was.