The woman nodded solemnly and continued to watch me like she was trying to figure out what made me tick. If she found an answer I was ready to beg her to share it with me because whatever mechanism had been used to wind me up and keep me going over the years felt broken and all the springs stretched out and sprung.
I turned to Zeb’s mom and found her looking between me and her son with speculation bright in her green eyes. I tapped my fingernails on the table like I always did when I was nervous and didn’t bother to stop when she finally landed her gaze back on me.
“If the judge calls you to the stand, it will mostly be to talk to you about taking care of Hyde after school until Zeb gets off of work. He’ll ask you how many hours you anticipate caring for him, how you plan on juggling a five-year-old with your existing schedule, and he may or may not ask your opinion about how you think Zeb will handle fatherhood full-time. All you need to do is present a united front with Beryl and show the court how much a part of your family Hyde already is. The judge already wants him to be with Zeb, so this is about all of us convincing him he made the right choice.”
She smiled at me and I caught a glimpse of where Zeb got his dimple. “Zeb’s done a fantastic job with Hyde so far. He might be a tad more lenient than I was with him when he was that age, but he’s learning.” She raised her dark eyebrows at me and reached out to pat my still twitching hands. “Being a single parent is never ideal, though. It’s nice to have someone else around to help handle the day-to-day trials and tribulations of raising a family.”
I forced my fingers to stop and looked over her shoulder toward her son. Zeb was still watching me and his face had turned even stonier at his mother’s words. He finally pushed off the wall and made like he was going to run his hands through his hair only to remember it was slicked back and somewhat presentable for court. He stopped short and huffed out a deep breath.
“Beryl and I turned out just fine, Ma. I promise not to ruin Hyde if it ends up being just me and him for the long haul.”
She laughed and we all got to our feet when I mentioned that it was time to head into the courtroom. “Of course you won’t ruin him, Zeb, and obviously there is no way on God’s green earth that you and that adorable little boy are going to be alone for long.”
She might have been speaking to her son, but she was looking right at me when she said it. She gave me a knowing look as she moved past me toward the door. It was Melissa Fuller’s truth, and it was as heavy as a ton of bricks when it hit me.
Her meaning was clear. Get my shit together right quick or else someone not scared, and not searching, was going to step up in my place and there would be no one else to blame for everything I stood to lose this time but me. Zeb got more than his dimple from his mother; his forthrightness and in-your-face honesty, no matter how harsh it might seem, obviously had come from her as well.
Zeb paused before me on his way out the door and I gazed up at him with everything I had inside of me shining out of my eyes.
“Good luck today.” My voice cracked and oozed longing at him.
His nostrils flared as he breathed out a heavy breath. He lifted a hand toward my face like he was going to cup my cheek but let it fall before he made contact. I wanted to cry as it fell away.
“I don’t need luck. I have you. I like your hair, and you look really pretty today.” His words wrapped around me and squeezed tight. I wanted to cuddle into that feeling and forget the ache of his absence that had been my constant companion the last few weeks. I let him walk out in front of me and took a second to bend over and rest my hands on my knees so I could catch my breath. Those goddamn feelings could pack one hell of a punch when they were free to do their thing.
When we got into the courtroom the mood was surprisingly optimistic. The heavy uncertainty that had reigned the first time we had done this was long gone. This all felt like no more than a formality. We followed all the protocols as the judge entered the room and I answered all the questions from the bench as we went over the home visit, Zeb’s progress on the classes he had been ordered to take, and the details of everything the judge had handed down at the last hearing. The judge seemed pleased with Zeb’s progress and asked him to get up and go to the bench. I nodded at him encouragingly and reminded him to simply be honest. It was what he was best at after all.
“How have the overnight weekends been going, Mr. Fuller?”
Zeb shrugged and then straightened up and spoke clearly and firmly. “There has been some transition. Hyde is really scared to be alone, and I think he’s sensitive about being shuffled between my place and the foster home. He always asks me if I’m going to come back for him. And the kid would live on pizza alone if I let him, so there have been a few meltdowns when I wanted him to eat like real people.”
That startled a laugh out of the judge, which made me smile.
“We work through it. My mom and sister have been great and Hyde’s mother had a really good friend that he was close to. She’s been by to visit him, so I think he knows we’re all just trying to make him as comfortable as possible. I may spoil him rotten, but I figure I have a lot of lost time to make up for.”
“What about the practicalities of transitioning the child into your care on a full-time basis: school, day care, health insurance? How are you doing on all of those things?”
“Hyde won’t go to kindergarten until fall since his birthday is late in the year. I’m going to enroll him in the same district as my niece so that my mother can pick him up and watch him for me until I get off work. Joss already loves him and I would rather have him with family than in day care.”