I also decided my long, simple hairstyle had to go. All I ever did with my hair was tie it up or pull it back. I wanted it unfussy. But I deserved some fuss. I wanted some fuss. I made an appointment to chop inches off, and while I was at the beauty salon decided to thread as many different shades of blond as I could find through the heavy mass. The end result was eye-catching and trendy. Far more showy and flashy than anything I had ever tried to wear before.
The mask was all the way off, and the woman who was facing the world without it might not have everything figured out just yet, but she was getting there. Even if it was through baby steps like colorful new clothes and a chic new hairdo.
When the day of Zeb’s final custody hearing rolled around, I offered to do the precourt meeting in my office with everyone, as we had previously done, but Zeb turned me down and told me that he and his family would all just see me at the courthouse. He sounded like a stranger. None of his easy humor or sexy innuendo could be found anywhere in his deep voice. He was talking to me like all my other clients did and it stung. There wasn’t a hint of our previous relationship or anything personal in his tone.
Having him turn my own tactics on me felt a little bit like being dropped into a deep lake with frigid water. The shock of the impact was jarring and my limbs quickly went numb. I deserved it but the chill still shook me. It was so much easier not to feel, to pretend not to care. The tide of emotions was free and there was no escaping them as they ebbed and flowed inside of me, drifting and rising around Zeb like he was the gravitational pull that controlled them.
When I got to the courthouse I saw Zeb’s Jeep already parked along the street and it made my heart kick. I couldn’t recall a time in my life when I wanted to see someone so badly. Not even when I moved to Denver and had started to search for Rowdy. I just wanted to look at Zeb. I wanted to see him and breathe him in. I wanted to be in the vortex he created around himself that felt so secure and safe. I wanted to hear his voice rumble and watch his hands stroke his beard while he thought about things. I missed all the big things about having him in my life, but the little ones, the special things that made Zeb, Zeb . . . I was dying for a dose of those.
I was walking around the front of the building when my cell phone rang. I paused to dig it out of my bag in case it was the office calling about something I might need before court, but I almost dropped it when I saw the familiar Seattle number flash across the screen. I juggled my bag back onto the crook of my arm and put the phone to my ear.
“Nathan?” I couldn’t keep the shock out of my voice.
“Uh . . . hey, Sayer. Been a while.”
That was the understatement of the year. I gave him his ring back, told him I was moving to Colorado to find my brother, and hadn’t spoken to him since. It had been a year since I last heard his voice.
“Is everything okay? I’m heading into court for an important case. I don’t have much time to talk.”
He chuckled with no humor in it and I was reminded of why we would have never worked out. “You are always headed into court for an important case. Some things never change, I guess.”
I didn’t like that he was trying to belittle me or what I did, still, but I had broken the guy’s heart, so I figured he was allowed to be a little bit of an ass.
“What do you want, Nathan?”
“Well, I know it’s a long shot, but I’m in Denver for a few days to meet with a potential new client. I thought you might like to get a drink and catch up.”
I nearly tripped over my own feet at his words. I tightened my fingers on my phone and looked toward the front of the building. It felt like I was standing at the crossroads of my past and my future, and if I took one wrong step I would end up losing one and falling dangerously into the other.
I paused for a second instead of blurting out an automatic acceptance to be polite. I hadn’t particularly enjoyed hanging out with Nathan when I had been involved with him. It wasn’t like there was anything wrong with the guy, he just hadn’t been as interesting as my work, and I hadn’t particularly missed him at all since we had been apart. It wasn’t like I was dying to reconnect and spend an awkward hour while he asked what I had been up to and I had to explain that I was exactly where I was when I left Seattle except for the fact that I now had a brother I loved, a roommate I would protect with my life, and a man who owned me but I was too scared to love back. I blew out a breath and replied honestly and truthfully.
“No. I don’t really want to catch up, Nathan.” There was no guilt, no worry or recrimination, because the woman I was now, the woman I was when I was with Zeb, didn’t need to feel bad for saying no. I didn’t want to see him and there was nothing outside of my own knee-jerk reaction to do what would be the easiest making me. It was liberating to say no with zero concern as to what his reaction would be.
He sighed on the other end of the phone and I looked at the screen of my cell to see what time it was. I still had a few minutes, but what was waiting for me in the courthouse was way more important to me than Nathan’s aggravation.
“God, Sayer, you’re still as cold as winter.”
I scoffed a little because I wasn’t anymore. The woman I was now ran both hot and cold, felt everything, including annoyance that he was egotistical enough to think his time was more valuable than mine. “No, Nathan, I’m not. What I am is busy.”
“You were always busy. That was what kept us from really connecting.”
I sighed heavily and paused as I reached the front doors of the courthouse. What kept us from connecting was the fact that I hadn’t loved him and he hadn’t loved me . . . not the real me anyway.