“Yes, and I did say we should talk about it when we had time to talk, not you bringing it up the way you did when we had no time to discuss it,” she retorted.
“Sorry, I’m human and I’m trying to sort through important shit, and I might not measure my words if I’m feeling things deep. It might just come out. And when it does, I don’t need, ‘figure it out and let me know, whichever way you go, I’m good.’”
Okay.
Jesus.
Why was this coming out of his mouth?
He should just let her go.
It had been on his mind all fucking day.
He’d made his decision.
He would come home and let her go.
Just let her go.
So now what the fuck was he doing?
“You’re right,” she spoke up, her chin now lifted stubbornly. “If something happened to Sam, and you and Kia moved on to what you and I have, Travis and I would be angry.” She bit the words out like she didn’t like the taste of them. “Very angry. We’d feel betrayed for Sam.”
He took a calming breath and evened his tone. “So you get where I’m at, honey, because I would not want to lose you. You or Gordo. And if it went that way, it’d destroy Kia. And that would be the most important of all. Are you hearing what I’m saying?”
She looked to the door again and he figured she did that to hide her expression from him.
Yeah, stubborn.
Hap gave her time.
When she took that time, a lot of it, he prompted, “Do you hear what I’m saying, Luci?”
She turned her attention back to him and she did not share she heard what he was saying.
He still knew by the look on her face she heard what he was saying.
She changed the subject to one that was even less comfortable. “It’s important for me to know that you know that I’m very aware who I’m spending time with and I want to be with you, Hap. I’m not trying to replace Travis and using you to do that.”
He hated that she thought he thought that.
He hated it worse that it was actually what he thought.
That wasn’t her.
She would never do that.
And he knew it.
“It was a dick thing to say. It was a dick time to say it. You’re right, I’m trying to push you away,” he admitted.
And goddammit, he not only seemed to have no control over his mouth, the relief on her face made his stomach settle and his breathing start to come easier.
What she did next was even better.
Which made it worse.
“And I should not have put it all on your shoulders what would happen from there,” she swung an arm out to indicate her bag by the door, “or had my mini-drama in making my point. I should have found another way to settle things so we both would not have had the days we both had. And instead, I should have waited for you to come home so we could discuss it.”
“It was me that screwed that pooch, baby,” he said softly. “You were making me bacon and I was being a dick.”
“You don’t fight fire with fire, Hap.”
She had that right.
He was still in the wrong.
He wasn’t going to push that discussion, because he could tell she was set on taking part of the blame even if she really had no part, so he’d get nowhere.
And it sucked because it was awesome that she could admit that he did something fucked up, she returned something fucked up, and she regretted it.
Yeah.
She made it seem like they could work.
“I’m sensing you’re going to test me,” she went on. “Test us. And I cannot fall down in proving that I believe in what I feel for you, what we can have. But I also now understand more of why you’re thinking how you’re thinking, and I’m glad I do, bello. I will be stronger. I promise you. Because, in truth, even if our pasts did not make this difficult, something would. That’s simply life and no matter what, we’d need to prove to each other that what we can have will be worth any trouble we face along the way.”
Hap had known her a long time. He knew she was beautiful. He knew she was funny. He knew she was warm, loving, affectionate. He knew she was loyal. He knew she was well-traveled. But even with her sophistication, she was as comfortable at a picnic table at a crab shack as she was in an expensive steak house. He also knew she was smart.
But he had not known her to be wise.
“Do you know what scares me the most?” he asked.
Jesus.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
He just could not stop his mouth from running.
“What scares you the most, luce mio?” she asked gently.
“Fucking this up and hurting you.”
And Christ . . .
Christ.
The look on her face that bought him nearly took him to his knees.
“You won’t hurt me, Hap,” she whispered.
“I want you to be happy.”
“You’re making me happy,” she replied.
“Yeah, babe. Your bag packed and sitting by the door screams happy,” he pointed out.
She walked to him and he let her. When she got close, she didn’t get too close, but she did frame his face in both of her hands.
“You do know I did that to myself,” she said quietly.
“I took us there.”
“And I kept us there. We both didn’t handle this morning very well, my Happy.”
My Happy.
His nickname was Hap, which came from “Happy” because once he found the Army—once he’d found a new family that did not include his dad and his mom and their bullshit, and his grandparents and the loss of everything they knew and loved and worked so hard to keep—once he’d seen the man he could become and knew it was in his power to be that man, he’d been really fucking happy.
So he became that guy who would crack a joke to lighten a tense atmosphere and people would relax, or that guy who walked into a dud of a party and brought it to life by being loud and acting like an ass just so folks would loosen up.
But no one called him Happy.
The way she said it gave it new meaning and good Christ, it felt like that meaning settled in every cell in his body.
And the feeling was good.
“You cannot take it all on your shoulders, caro,” she continued. “Especially when I contribute to fucking things up. Yes?”
He stared into her warm, brown eyes, which were staring deep into his.
“Yes?” she prompted, drifting her hands down to either side of his neck and curling her fingers around tight.
“Yeah, baby,” he muttered.
A whisper of a smile hit her lips. “That was not very convincing.”
He felt his mouth lift in a grin but he said nothing.
She kept hold on him and tipped her head to the side. “Shall I make dinner?”
“I’m frying us hamburgers.”
She smiled and when she did, she lit his world.
Now, by letting this carry on, he was screwing this pooch and he did not care if he got chewed up in the process.
But if she did . . .
“I like hamburgers,” she told him something he knew.
“I know.”
Yeah, he knew.
He also knew she liked cheese melted on, American, as well as ketchup, mustard and pickles.
And he’d made sure he had all that for Luci.
What was he doing?
He had no answer to that.
What he had was Luciana, right there with her hands on him and contentment in her eyes that he did not come home and tell her to call a cab. Instead, they talked things through, worked things out, and he his damned self had taken them to a place where it seemed this could work.