This meant I did something I’d never done in my life.
In an effort not to be overwhelmed with the emotion I was feeling, I swatted his arm like a spoiled child or a flirting debutante and accused, “You’re making this more difficult.”
“My apologies,” he said through a smile, taking hold of me again and heading us toward the front doors that footmen were opening for us, going on to say, “Let’s get your ass in that sleigh.”
Noc guided us out into the glorious cold only for me to find myself at the bottom of the palace steps having additional new pleasantly unpleasant experiences.
These being bidding adieu to Queen Aurora, Dax Lahn, Circe, Finnie, Frey, Tor and Cora, all people I would not again see, not soon, and perhaps (especially in the case of Circe and Lahn), not ever.
This meant for some unfathomable reason, in getting (and giving) many public hugs, the one I had with Circe was the longest.
And it felt good as well as bad, both coming from the fact it wasn’t only me who seemed not to wish to let go.
“Say hey to the other Circe for me,” she said in my ear.
“This I’ll do,” I promised.
“And don’t be hard on yourself like you’re so good at being,” she instructed. “The crap time is over. Now’s your time to let go and have fun.”
“Of course,” I replied, wishing to do as she instructed, but knowing from experience it would not be easy as the women had now been telling me this for some time. “As for you, I wish you a pleasant pregnancy, ease of birth and much joy when that bundle arrives.”
She pulled away but didn’t let me go to inform me, “The birth couldn’t be worse than the last. Then again, I shouldn’t say stuff like that or I might jinx myself.”
Jinx?
I didn’t ask.
I just gave her a small smile.
She gave me a big, bright one and finally let me go.
I could now say that holding affection for others, and having that returned, was quite a lovely feeling, going so far as admitting I treasured it, them, all of them (even Lahn, who was daunting but he could be quite amusing and gentle, both definitely endearing).
I could also now say that it had severe drawbacks for I had never, not once, lingered in leaving a place at all, but certainly not because I was saddened to leave the people there behind.
Noc had given me my first hug and he also came in to give me the last before he held my hand and (unnecessarily, but I did not pull away…oh no, I did not) steadied me as I made my way into my sleigh beside Josette who was already seated, ensconced under the furs.
“See you soon,” he told me softly once I, too, was under the furs.
I looked into his blue eyes.
It would not be soon.
It would be too bloody long.
“Yes, soon,” I agreed.
He leaned in. I held my breath. He kissed my nose. I let my breath go.
He moved away and did it decisively, shutting the door to the sleigh behind us.
“Ready?” Kristian called.
I tore my gaze from Noc moving away to nod to my brother.
He nodded back, turned ahead, snapped his reins and shouted, “Heeyah!”
I leaned forward and grabbed our reins from the hook in front of us and followed suit.
I didn’t wish to do anything inane such as wave or gaze lingeringly behind me for I knew all too well what either would communicate.
So I didn’t wave and I didn’t look behind me, my gaze lingering on Noc.
Instead, I looked behind me and waved once with a flick of my raised hand to indicate my final farewell to them all.
But I did this with my eyes locked to Noc.
He lifted his hand back.
I felt my throat get thick.
It was then I turned away and stared resolutely at the back of my brother’s sleigh, thinking I should have asked to have Timofei in our sleigh with us, not only because I enjoyed my nephew’s company, but also because he would be a pleasant distraction.
“You’re taken with him,” Josette said as we left the Winter Palace behind.
“Mm…” I murmured.
“As in, everyone knows you’re taken with him, but the truth is, you’re very taken with him,” she went on.
“Mm…” I repeated.
“As in, no one knew if we’d ever be away, you having to say goodbye to him and he to you,” she stated. “Everyone suspected such an event would take hours, even days, or longer.”
I looked to her. “There was talk of this?”
“I think it was Princess Cora who said something like there was a good chance Master Noc would drag you by your hair up to his bedroom and if that occurred they wouldn’t see either of you for weeks.”
Alas, that did not happen.
And truth be told, I doubted it ever would.
I struggled with, but could not deny, I was attracted to him.
His feelings in return were genuine and warm.
But not once had he ever given indication they were anything more.
I turned my attention back to where we were heading. This, I determined in that moment, would be my focus. Look only where I was heading. One minute to the next. One hour to the next. One day to the next.
And hopefully before we knew it, our true adventure would begin.
That adventure including being back with Noc.
For even if I had him only as my first real friend (outside, strictly, Josette, that was), my feelings for him were such I’d take that.
I’d take anything to have Noc.
Josette reached out and touched my wrist briefly. “We’ll be with him again soon.”
“Yes, we will,” I agreed and snapped the reins, for Kristian had done the same and was going faster.