“Why was the stone important to him?” I asked.
Now Cole turned his head and looked at me directly. “He bought it on his honeymoon,” Cole said. “His first honeymoon,” he added wryly. “His wife said he fretted too much. That he needed something to absorb the stress.”
“But that’s not the whole story.” I’d known Howard Jahn. The man had about a million layers. And if he was giving a worry stone as a legacy, there had to be a deeper purpose.
“He knew me better than anyone,” Cole said. “Anyone except you,” he added, and something that had been cold and shriveled inside me began to bloom and grow. “He knew about my temper. About the crack my mother smoked. About the way I could snap. He knew about the gangs, and he knew what I’d done. More, he knew what I was capable of doing. And he believed that I could hold it all in. That I could control my temper rather than have my temper control me.”
“Smart man, Howard Jahn,” I said. “I knew there was a reason I always liked him.”
I saw the flicker of amusement in his eyes. Just a hint of an instant, but it gave me another thread of hope to grasp.
“He told me that one day I would find a woman who fit me. Who soothed me. Who’d help me cling to control. I’d find her one day, Jahn said,” Cole continued. “But he gave me the worry stone to use until then.”
He’d turned away as he spoke, looking vaguely at the wall of weapons—pistols and shotguns, Tasers, and who knows what else. But even though he wasn’t touching me or looking at me, I knew that he was talking about me—that I was the woman Jahn had promised. And that simple knowledge filled me with a bittersweet joy.
That, however, wasn’t the end.
“Go on,” I whispered. “Tell me the rest.”
He turned to me, and his face was no longer closed off. I saw love. I saw adoration. And—god help me—I saw pain.
“You do that for me, Kat. I love you—god, how I love you. But it’s more than that. You’ve done more than slip into my life. Hell, you’ve clicked into place. You fit me perfectly.”
I clutched his hand, tears spilling out of my eyes because there was no way that I could hold so much emotion inside.
“You make me feel whole,” he said, his voice cracking with an emotion I couldn’t identify. “And all I’ve done is fuck it up for you.”
Something dark and cold wrapped around me, then squeezed tight, making me work for each breath. “No,” I whispered. I knew he was thinking of those awful photos. “God no. You didn’t fuck anything up. And even if you had, killing Ilya Muratti isn’t going to change a thing.”
“Yeah,” he said. “It will.”
“Bullshit. The only thing that will change is that your juvie record will be unsealed.”
“Goddammit, Kat. You don’t have a clue.”
“Because you’re not telling me.” I had to hold myself back to keep from shouting, I was so damned frustrated. “What do you know that I don’t? How the hell did Muratti even get those pictures?”
“Because I fucked up. Because my brilliant plan to keep you and your father safe took a fucking nosedive.”
I shook my head, not understanding.
“Muratti cut through the layers of paper and corporations,” Cole said. He pressed a finger to his temple and rubbed, as if fighting a massive headache. “I was right that he wouldn’t push back against Stark—I was even right that when he found out about me it would deflect attention from your dad. But he pushed harder. Went further. And somehow in checking on me he found out about you. And along the way, the son of a bitch realized that you’re Maury Rhodes’s daughter.”
The words knocked me back like a blow to the chest. “No,” I said lamely. “How?”
“On paper, it looks like you came out of nowhere, Kat. That’s hard to trace, sure. But it’s also suspicious. And a man like Muratti has both curiosity and resources. He can find what needs to be found.”
I shook my head, reaching out for the table to steady myself.
“He had someone follow you. Follow us. And don’t you know he had a goddamn party when his gopher reported back on the kinds of pictures he’d managed to snag? St. Andrew’s cross. Spreader bars. Flogger. Blindfolds. What do you think, Kat?” he asked, his voice harsh with anger and frustration. “You think your dad wants to see a picture of his little girl with a butt plug?”
I winced and looked away.
“Shit. Shit, I’m sorry.” The harshness was gone from his voice, replaced by a soft gentleness that made me want to cry. “But you have to understand.” He drew in a breath. “It’s my fault. I know that. I should have seen it coming. I should have done a better job keeping you safe.”
“No,” I whispered. “It’s not your fault.”
“Hell, yes,” he said, then met my eyes. “I fucked up. But that’s a mistake I intend to remedy right now.”
“Cole, you can’t.”
“The hell I can’t. Muratti’s going to release those pictures, Kat. If I don’t tell him where your dad is, he’s going to spread them far and wide.”
“Oh.” It was the only word I could manage. I swallowed. Sucked in air. “We’re not telling him where my dad is. I’m not painting a target on my father’s back.”
“Well, you know, Muratti’s not entirely unreasonable.” A horrible irony laced his voice. “He said if I release them myself—if I let the whole world see those pictures of you—he’ll let your dad walk. No retribution, no nothing.”