“He doesn’t care about me or the kids. It’s embarrassing to admit I’ve been living a lie, trying to make something work that should’ve ended years ago. So as I sat there, sensing his impatience and his desire to ‘be done with the whole goddamn thing’ I knew how wrong I was to push for marriage with him in the first place.”
“Why?”
“He didn’t love me, Amy Jo. He liked me. The sex was really good. I believed I could work with that. I could make him love me. Or I could love him enough for both of us.” Bitter tears spilled down her cheeks.
“Jenn—”
“I can deal with him discarding me. But how am I supposed to tell our children, his children, that their father is discarding them too? That they might not ever see him again and that is his choice? How do I look them in the eyes and break their hearts?”
“You don’t. It’s not your fault Alan is a selfish dickhead who’s leaving you no option but to pick up the pieces. The only thing you can do is what you’ve been doing.
Show Krista and Mason and Ariel you love them. We love them. We are a family no matter what. No matter where we live.”
Jenn made a sound between a gasp and a laugh.
“You are a great mother…and a great father too.” AJ went to her broken sister. Jenn wrapped her arms around AJ’s waist and sobbed in silent misery. AJ cried right along with her and felt like she’d aged ten years in the last ten hours.
After Jenn quieted down, AJ handed her a tissue.
“When did you get so grown up?”
“I’ve always been grown up. I didn’t exactly have a choice.”
“You did more things around the ranch after Daddy’s heart attack than you ever let on, didn’t you?”
“It had to be done. I didn’t know any different.”
“I wish I would’ve known. Makes me feel just as selfish as Alan.” Jenn blew her nose. She gathered up the glasses and put the whiskey bottle back in the liquor cabinet.
“Anything else you need tonight before I go to bed?”
“No, but since you’re dispensing advice, I’m gonna return the favor.”
AJ looked up. “What?”
“I know you’re seeing someone. I won’t ask who. I’d like to think if it was a serious relationship you would’ve brought him around to meet your family. You have a lot of years ahead of you in the dating scene. Remember this, when you find that special someone, whatever you do, don’t settle for less than a man who loves you completely.”
“I won’t.”
“Good. I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Night.”
Rather than heading upstairs, AJ snuck outside. She stood on the front porch staring at the stars, contemplating family dynamics and her place in the universe for a long time before she finally crawled into bed.
Chapter Twenty-two
“What do you mean you can’t come over tonight?”
“Jenn stayed with Mom yesterday afternoon when I was helping Macie. She has things to do tonight when she gets off work.”
“Christ, AJ, that’s two nights in a row. You’re supposed to be here every night. That was the deal.”
The phone went silent.
“What?”
“You know, Cord, I think it might be time to renegotiate the deal. If you’re gonna get pissy about me taking care of my mother because you aren’t getting a piece of ass, then maybe I’m done dealing with you. Maybe you can continue to be a jackass on your own time.” She hung up.
“Goddammit!” Cord was half-tempted to whip the cell phone at the wall. He snapped it shut and threw it on the coffee table. Great. He oughta go over there and set her straight. Right. How was he supposed to come to terms with the idea that he…missed her?
What the hell was he supposed to do with himself tonight?
Cord stared at the fan spinning lazily on the cathedral ceiling. Maybe he should take up a hobby. Bowling. League darts. Whittling.
He headed for the barn. The farrier was coming in the morning to shoe all the horses.
He might as well clean up the tack room.
Ky had made a mess of the place. Put him in a time warp to think he hadn’t been in here since Ky had left. Even more humbling was the knowledge he hadn’t ridden his horses for a couple of weeks. He’d have to rectify that tomorrow after they wore new horseshoes.
Cord dragged in the garbage can and cleaned up. Finished with that chore, he rearranged the ropes according to type and length. He restacked the saddle blankets.
Gathered the horse’s grooming supplies for a thorough washing. Set all the saddles on the ground and checked for wear and tear he might’ve otherwise missed.
Took him ten minutes to find a clean rag. He kicked over a plastic pail and sat on it while he cleaned Ky’s saddle. The kid needed to climb on a ladder to get on his pony, Plug. But he’d been determined to get on “the cowboy way” so he’d swung his short leg over like an experienced buckaroo the second time he attempted to mount. Cord had been absurdly proud.
After he’d finished wiping the grime off and coated the leather with leather conditioner, he picked up the next saddle. He’d bought this saddle for Marla right after they’d gotten married and she assured him she’d love being a rancher’s wife.
What’d he been thinking, marrying her in the first place? So she’d been pretty. So she’d fawned over him like he was John Wayne reincarnated. She’d lacked a sense of humor, although that wasn’t fair because most folks would say the same about him. She hadn’t been adventurous in bed, nor had she understood his occasional appetite for domination and a bit of kink. Somehow she’d equated those scenarios as a threat to her female independence.
Marla hadn’t been driven to success; she more or less floated along, flitting from one thing to the next. From the get-go she exhibited an aversion to working outdoors, and to working hard, so he didn’t know why he’d ever believed she’d’ve been happy living in Wyoming.
Why had he fallen for her? Hell, why had he imagined himself madly in love with her? Why had it crushed him that she’d left? Because he hadn’t the balls to admit he’d made a mistake and she’d made the first move to rectify it? Had his pride concocted a lie after the fact about his deep, abiding love for her just to keep him infallible in the eyes of his son? The responsible Cord McKay had loved once and would never make the same mistake twice?
That bit of truth sliced him to the bone.