"May I help you?" the attractive Asian woman behind the desk asked.
Torn from my thoughts, I smiled and said, "Yes. I'm hoping to see Cal Johnson. Is he in?"
"Who may I say is here to see him?"
I took a deep breath in and exhaled slowly. "Nina Edwards."
The receptionist nodded. "If you'll take a seat, I'll buzz him, miss."
I sat on one of the upholstered waiting area chairs and smoothed my dress over my thighs in an effort to calm myself and dry my hands drenched with nervous sweat. A hundred recriminations ran through my mind, making me want to bolt out the door, but I remained planted in the chair and tried to focus on the possibility of what Cal could tell me about what happened between us. An elderly couple seated next to me whispered to each other about life insurance as I worked to stay relaxed.
"Nina?"
I looked up at the sound of a man's voice and saw Cal standing at the receptionist's desk. He looked like I remembered—light brown hair, blue eyes that hadn't faded a bit, and an athlete's body visible even under his white shirt and brown dress pants.
"Cal," I said with nervous enthusiasm. "Do you have a few minutes? I was hoping we could talk."
Extending his arm toward me, he smiled and nodded. "Sure. Come with me. We'll talk in my office."
Cal led me to his office halfway down the hallway. A small room, it had a single window that let in some light but was overall quite dim. His glass and metal desk took up a majority of the space, but there was room enough for one chair for me to sit in.
"Excuse my office. I generally don't get visitors. Take a seat and tell me what you've been up to."
His voice telegraphed loud and clear that he was uncomfortable, which only served to make me more uneasy than I'd been just minutes before out in the waiting area. Taking a deep breath, I said, "I wanted to talk about us."
"Us? Uh, what about us?"
My hands fidgeted in my lap, and I planted my feet on the floor to stop my legs from shaking. "Cal, I was in a car accident a few weeks ago. I can't remember anything from right before my father died four years ago. I know we're not together anymore, but I was hoping you could tell me what happened to break us up."
A look of discomfort settled into his features. "Oh, I don't know, Nina. That was a long time ago."
"It's important to me, Cal. Anything you can tell me would help."
He seemed to study me for a moment and then a slow smile spread across his face, reminding me of that person I'd dated all those years ago. "I think it's about time I apologized, Nina. I was a real ass. To be honest, if it weren't for the fact that you can't remember anything, you'd probably never speak to me again, and I'd deserve it."
"What happened to us? I remember us being happy. I mean, I know we weren't ready to make it forever, but I thought we were happy."
Cal shifted in his office chair. "We were young. I was probably more immature than most guys at that age. I didn't...uh...I didn't realize what I had."
I didn't know what to say to that. Jordan had made him sound like the worst of all men, but the man who sat across the desk from me seemed to regret how we'd ended. If anything, he looked sad.
"I guess I just needed to know it wasn't me, Cal."
Shaking his head, he knitted his brows and frowned. "No. I don't want you to think that. It wasn't you. It was me."
"Oh, the old It's-not-you-it's-me thing," I joked.
He reached over and touched my hand resting on the edge of his desk. His eyes told me he didn't think this was a joking matter. "I hate to think that before your accident you thought it was because of anything you did that we broke up."
I didn't know what I'd thought then, but he was right. Ever since Jordan told me what had happened, I'd been convinced Cal had cheated on me because of some lack in me. That whoever he'd chosen over me was prettier, smarter, or better at whatever else he wanted.
"It's okay, Cal. I can't remember that now. It's just nice to know that what happened wasn't because of some deficiency in me."
He grimaced at the word 'deficiency.' "I'm sorry that you thought that. That's not right. You were lacking nothing, Nina. I was the one lacking in maturity."
We sat there quietly for a long moment before a knock on his office door broke the awkward silence. Calling the person in, he quickly shook off the seriousness of his words and put on his professional face again. As he and his coworker spoke, I stood to leave, having gotten what I'd come for.
His colleague left, and Cal stood from behind his desk. "Would you like to have coffee sometime? It would be nice to be friends, if you think we can."
"That would be nice. I can't promise I won't want to ask more questions, though. Everything's such a blank from around that time. But I don't want you to think I blame you for anything. That was a long time ago, and we've both moved on."
"It's the least I could do, Nina. And don't worry about blaming me. I deserve it. I just hope we can be friends."
I extended my hand to shake his. "It's a deal."
"Good." He wrote something on a piece of paper and handed it to me. "Here's my cell number and email. I'd love it if we could grab a coffee before the holidays."
I took the information with a smile and slipped it into my purse. "Me too. I'll email you and let you know when I'm going to be in the city again."
"You still live in Brooklyn? I heard you and Jordan were sharing an apartment in Sunset Park."
His mention of my place in Brooklyn surprised me. I shook my head and said for the first time to anyone since I left the hospital, "No, I live upstate now in Duchess County."
Cal's expression showed his surprise. "You introduced yourself as Nina Edwards, so I thought you were still single. Did you marry?"
"No. I'm still Nina Edwards, but I live with my boyfriend out there. Tristan. Tristan Stone."
I had the sense that the mere mention of Tristan's name changed everything in the room, and Cal's smile seemed to fade just a little.
"You did well for yourself, Nina. Stone's a big deal."
I nodded, unsure of what exactly Cal meant. Turning to leave, I smiled and said, "We'll do coffee before Christmas. Thanks again, Cal. I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me."
As I opened the door, Cal said quietly, "Take care, Nina. I look forward to seeing you again."
My talk with Cal had buoyed my spirits. I'd been so afraid that he'd left me because of me that I hadn't wanted to give Tristan a chance to do the same thing. Now I felt like I could truly let him in and begin to make those new memories, just as he'd promised.