THE LIGHTNESS of my mother’s hospital room pressed down on me as if it wanted to crush me or push me out. Dark and somber, I was an intruder in this place. Or at least that’s how I felt every day I came to sit next to my mother as she withered away toward her death in her hospital bed.
A sad ending to a sad life. She’d always wanted more. More money. More of my father. More from me. The money never came. Neither did my father. And me? I don’t know why I’d never been enough for her. Maybe it was because I looked so much like the man she’d wanted more from with my black hair and blue eyes that resembled his so strongly.
She didn’t stay awake long, and most days she didn’t even recognize me. The cancer had eaten away at her brain, so when she looked at me sometimes I knew she had no idea who I was sitting there. But then every so often I’d see a look of recognition in her eyes, and she’d reach for my hand and give me a tiny smile.
“Kane.”
“Shhh, don’t talk. I’m here.”
“It’s almost time. You need to get ready. Don’t want to be late,” she said as if I had somewhere to go. I had nowhere to go. Just there and the prison cell that waited for me in three days.
“It’s okay, Mom. I won’t be late.”
“The school called, Kane. They say you miss a lot.”
She slipped back into the past, but not too far this time. Just a few months, before I killed a man and got sentenced to prison. Before the cancer had come to take her away.
I watched as she looked up at me and waited for my answer to her unspoken question of why I missed so much school. Quietly, I answered, “I’m sorry, Mom. Holly likes to—”
My mother’s eyes narrowed in anger. “A girl? You miss school for a girl?”
She never liked Holly. She never liked even the idea of me with anyone. Wanting to avoid the same argument we’d had every time I mentioned Holly’s name, I simply nodded and smiled. “Okay. I won’t anymore.”
“Good. You don’t know. It’s not right.”
I sat with my eyes closed as she rambled on incoherently, the words strung together making no sense. At least today I’d gotten a few minutes with her really there with me.
Taking my hand in hers, she squeezed it softly. “Your father is going to want to change you now, Kane. Don’t let him.”
My father and I becoming close had always been her biggest fear. She hated him as much as she loved him, and now that she saw the end coming, she worried he’d finally remember I existed for more than a visit or two every decade.
I looked down into her eyes and saw she was there with me now. “Nobody’s going to change me, Mom.”
She closed her eyes and sighed. When she opened them again, I wasn’t sure she still knew who I was, but in a quiet voice, she whispered, “Good. You were meant to be who you are now, Kane.”
Who I was now was a man convicted of murdering the man who’d taken everything I loved from me. How could she think anyone could be meant to be that?
I nodded and forced a smile, believing she must have slipped away again. “Okay, Mom.”
“You were meant to hurt, Kane. From the minute I found out I was carrying you, I knew this. You were meant to hurt. Never forget that.”
She closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep, somehow comforted like she’d always been by what she believed I truly was. Maybe she was right. Maybe that was my place in this world. With the exception of Holly, all I’d ever done was hurt from the day I was born.
As I watched my mother sleep, her words echoed in my ears.
You were meant to hurt, Kane. Never forget that.
MY VISION blurred as the final blow from Aaron’s fist pounded into my cheekbone, knocking me back against the closet door. The pain radiated up into my eye as I lost my balance and fell in a heap on the floor. He bellowed something about it being my fault, but his words were drowned out by the sound of ringing in my ears. I closed my eyes to push away the pain and felt the toe of his boot jam hard into my left hip. Crying out in pain, I quickly stopped myself, knowing how much he hated when I complained.
Aaron leaned down close enough that I felt his hot breath on my aching cheek. “One more fucking word, Abbi, and I swear to fucking God I’ll kill you! And don’t fucking cry! One tear and I swear I’ll hit you so hard.”
I lifted my hands to shield myself from another blow, but that only angered him more and he slapped me hard across the face. My head bounced off the broken door, and for a moment I saw only black in front of my eyes.
“When I get back, you better have this mess cleaned up. Do you hear me?” he roared near my ear.
Unable to form even the simplest word, I nodded so he wouldn’t hit me again. Terror raced through me as I felt his palm cup my cheek. Opening my eyes, I saw him crouching down next to me. His dark brown eyes flashed his rage, and he whispered in a voice laced with anger, “Baby, you know I hate it when you make me do stuff like this, don’t you?”
I answered as I knew I must. “I’m sorry, Aaron. I didn’t mean to make you angry.”
Gently stroking my swelling cheek, he leaned in and kissed me on the forehead. “I’ll be back in an hour. We’ll go for a nice dinner and then come back here, okay? Give me one of those Abbi smiles I love.”
As the corners of my mouth slowly hitched up, the pain in my cheekbone once again exploded into my eye, but I kept my smile pressed in place so he’d think his suggestion made me happy. Inside, I wanted to throw up at the thought of ever doing anything again with him.
“That’s my girl. See you in an hour.”
Barely able to speak, I whispered, “Okay, Aaron. I’ll make everything right. I promise.”
My eyes fluttered closed as I watched him walk out the front door to our apartment. The sound of a door closing had never sounded so comforting before in my life.
I couldn’t do this anymore. One of these days he was going to kill me over something small like the toothpaste tube not being rolled up correctly or a dirty glass left in the sink.
I couldn’t give him that chance. I may not ever have been truly strong, but I couldn’t be weak anymore.
All I wanted to do was close my eyes and go to sleep so I wouldn’t feel the pain, but if I did and he returned, he’d fly into another rage, so I gingerly pushed myself up onto my hands and knees. I tried to take a deep breath to prepare myself to stand, but a sharp pain stabbed through my chest and I nearly fell back onto the floor in agony. Panting, I straightened myself up and reached out to grab onto the doorframe, slowly standing on shaky legs.