I wanted to cut out my tongue. I never wanted to tell her. I always believed my past would remain hidden, yet I’d just spewed it on our wedding night.
Tess captured my chin, stroking my bristles. “There’s nothing evil about you, Q. You aren’t—”
“Let me finish.” Her acceptance granted false hope. I was nowhere near done.
I had to rip off the bandages—exposing myself sharp and quick. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t finish and the secret would fester for the rest of my life.
I needed Tess to forgive me. Please, forgive me.
“You guessed right at dinner. I had a sister. Her name was Marquisa. She died at my father’s hand, and I was too young to kill him. I lived with the man who raped and killed my sister because I was weak.” I glossed over the grotesqueness, not willing to flay that particular memory.
Tess sucked in a gasp, her na**d br**sts rising with horror. “Q—no. That’s awful.”
“I wasn’t going to tell you—I didn’t want you to know, but I have to tell you something else—and I hope to God you don’t f**king hate me.” My eyes latched onto hers, filling with fear. “Don’t despise me. I don’t know what I’ll do if you do.”
Tess stiffened. Her lips popped wider, alarm flushing her skin. But she didn’t untangle her fingers from mine. I took strength from that. “Why would I despise you, Q? I’ve accepted everything about you. Nothing you say can change that.” She was so beautiful, so pure.
I hung my head. God, I hoped so. “I haven’t been faithful to you, esclave.”
Her face turned white; her fingers turned to icicles. “Excuse me?”
Fuck. “Lynx made a slave girl suck me. I didn't want it. I fought it and chose to die rather than be unfaithful, but I had to tell you. I can’t live with the knowledge I let it happen. It wasn’t for long and I never broke my honour to you in my heart. But I had to apologise, so it never comes between us.”
Tess didn’t move.
My heart charged like a monstrous thing, wheezing for forgiveness.
When she didn’t say anything, I squeezed her fingers. “Please. Say something.”
Slowly, she tugged her hand from mine. My stomach hollowed out.
Then she laced her fingers in my hair, holding me still, peering deep into my eyes. “You chose death over some woman giving you o**l s*x?” She blinked. “Why?”
“Why?”
“Q—you almost died…all because—”
“I almost died to protect my integrity. That’s the only part of me I have left. Don’t you understand? I’ve killed my father. I’ve seen my sister be raped and murdered. I’ve watched and done nothing as my mother drank herself into the grave. I’ve built my life on nothing. I’ve run from a past I want nothing to do with. I have no control over that. None.
“But I do have my honour. It’s the only thing I can control.” I gritted my teeth. “I survived with the darkness in my blood by one means only. I thought you’d figured that out by now, esclave.”
Her blue-grey eyes glossed with sadness, radiating kindness. “No, Q. I haven’t figured you out at all, but this is helping.”
I rushed ahead, hoping to make her understand. “Honour is my driving force. The only thing I can rely on when the monster gets too strong or the beast takes control. Honour is the only law I obey.
“I broke my unbreakable law when that woman sucked me. It ruined everything I stood for because I broke your trust in me.”
Tess’s lips clamped together. I captured her tears with a fingertip. “Don’t you see, mon amour? I would rather die than have that honour taken away from me. It’s my only guideline on right and wrong. And I love you too much to besmirch it. Please, I need you to understand and forgive me.”
Tess cried softly, her cheeks flushing with emotion. “Forgive you? Q—there’s nothing to forgive.”
I trembled. My back hurt, my body screamed with pain, but I couldn’t move. Not until I believed her. Not until I’d been granted absolution from this angel who was my wife. “Please…just say you understand.”
Her hands captured my cheeks, kissing me hard. “If you need to hear it, then yes I forgive you.” Her lips landed on my jaw, my cheekbones, my eyelids. “I would’ve forgiven you for anything because he made you do it. Q—you have nothing to feel guilty about because it was outside of your control.”
She stopped kissing me, temper blazing bright. “What I can’t forgive, is you willingly sacrificing your life because you let your morals sign your death sentence. We were almost too late, Q. Do you think I would’ve cared if I found you in bed with another woman—against your will—compared to hanging dead in a dungeon? Yes, it would’ve killed me to know you’d been with another girl but at least you’d be alive.”
She sucked in a breath, gathering courage like a cape. “You’ve told me more today than you ever have, so I’ll share the same courtesy with you. When you helped break me of Leather Jacket’s hold, I went through things I never want to discuss. I don’t know how much you saw or heard, but I would’ve willingly slept with him. In fact, I begged him to. I’m not proud of it. I hate myself for it—but I would do it again if it was the only way to live. Because my life isn’t my own anymore.”
My stomach rolled at the residual panic in her voice. Even now, after everything I’d done, they still had power over her. But I would make it disappear. I had a lifetime to make the past vanish. For both of us.
Tess kissed me, tasting of salt from her tears. “Do you understand? Your life isn’t yours to gamble anymore, Q. It’s mine. I don’t care about your honour—if you’re in a life and death situation you do whatever you can to stay alive. I order you to do whatever’s necessary. Because your soul is mine and I refuse to let you go.”
I couldn’t speak. My heart galloped at the simplicity of the f**ked-up situation. “If you own my life, who owns yours?”
Tess smiled. “You, of course. No matter what happens, it’s always yours. I will never stop loving you, Q. It scares me how much I need you. But from now on, your honour comes second best to me—do you hear?”
I desperately wanted to kiss her and stop this spilling of fragile truths, but the confessions lightened my heart. “So you…forgive me?”
Tess nodded. “I forgive you.”