My world crunched to a stop, but instead of wailing and cursing life for such unfairness, I clutched hard at calmness and hid my tears. Strength I didn’t know I had filled my limbs, keeping my voice steady.
Inside, I felt like a cracked china doll with broken pieces that would never be glued together again, but externally, I was a strong mother who would be there for her daughter till the end.
Running my hands through her hair, I murmured, “There’s nothing wrong with you, Clara. You’re perfect in every way.” I sucked in a breath. “And that’s why you’ll be leaving me soon. You’re too perfect for this world. Too precious. You’ll be called to somewhere much better than here.” I clamped my lips closed as a wave of grief threatened to make me break. “You have nothing to be frightened of. Promise me you won’t be scared.” She looked up, her large, dark eyes looking like an eclipse blotting out the light. “Why do I have to go? I don’t want to leave you.”
I had no answers for her. My mind was blank and worthless. “We never know what life will bring. But we won’t be apart for long.”
“Did I do something bad? Is that why I cough so much?”
Oh, God.
“You didn’t do anything bad. Nothing. It’s just your lungs, sweetheart. Some people are born with a different life path, but it doesn’t mean you won’t be happy and healthy. You’re just going to somewhere better.”
She lay quiet for a time before tugging on my fingers. “Will you be okay? When I’m gone, I mean?”
I gave up the battle to stay dry-eyed and kissed her soft forehead. “I’ll be fine. I promise. I’ll talk to you every day. You’ll be with me always.”
She sighed, pressing her face against mine. “Even though I might leave, I won’t ever truly leave you, mummy. I’ll find a way to come back and be with you. But you have to promise me you won’t be alone. I would cry to think of you sad because I left you.”
I couldn’t reply.
She squirmed upright, placing her slightly sticky hand on my cheek, just like she’d done to Roan. “Promise me you’ll fix him, mummy. He needs you.”
I didn’t want to promise something I couldn’t achieve, but looking into her urgent eyes, I found myself nodding and swearing on my life I would fix the man I was falling for.
Only after I’d told Clara a story, and unwrapped her sleeping figure from my arms, did I slide down the bathroom door and cried wracking sobs with a fist in my mouth. On and on, wave after wave of crashing sorrow.
I purged myself until no more liquid existed in my body.
Only once my body quietened from sobs, did I stand up and look in the bottom of the rubbish bin where I’d hidden yet another complication.
The two pink lines mocked me from the home pregnancy test. All my life I believed I had one chance at motherhood. That the brutal attack in my teens left me barren. All the doctors concurred I was too badly mangled to conceive again. The nurses stroked my hands and consoled me. I’d been offered counselling to come to terms with never giving Clara a brother or sister.
At the time, I didn’t care. Clara had been a mistake—a wonderfully joyous mistake, but one I probably wouldn’t do a second time—but as time passed, I found myself sad to think I would never bring more life and wonder into the world.
But just like everything, life had a way of knocking me on my ass with surprises.
Conceived by a forceful lover and a man consumed by demons.
I was now pregnant with his future.
Chapter 16
The truth shall set you free.
That was bullshit.
The truth made me a monster and placed fear and sadness into a little girl’s heart. But it helped with one thing: it gave me Zel. The way she looked at me changed from wary to wanting, from fearful to needful.
The night I told my story, Zel came to me and broke my walls. She smashed my conditioning, and I hoped life permanently changed for the better.
I hoped I was cured.
But hope is a fickle thing. It made the future look bright and pure when really it did nothing but camouflage the dark and dirty truth.
Truth Zel kept from me.
Truth that ruined my hope.
Truth that undid all my progress and hurtled me back from human to weapon.
That night, after Zel retired with Clara to bed, I spent a few hours overseeing Obsidian.
The time had just struck midnight, and the club heaved with eager fighters. Men swarmed in packs, discussing strategy, sharing war wounds, eagerness on their faces for a chance to excel in a fight. Every cage, mat, and ring was occupied with a long waiting list hanging beside the rigging. Seats held blood-hungry spectators. Girls circled the crowd delivering drinks and offering themselves for entertainment while private rooms were in hot demand.
Another busy day at the office.
I couldn’t stop thinking about the way Zel had looked at me or the need throbbing in my blood. It took all my strength to stay there and not storm back to Zel’s room and drag her out of bed to take her. I’d never needed sex so badly—never needed the affirmation that I hadn’t ruined the chance to be together.
You may have told her the truth tonight, but she’s keeping something from you.
My hands gripped the balustrade harder. Her secrets were driving me insane—especially seeing as one revolved around Clara. I wanted to know. I deserved to know.
“You alright, Fox?” Oscar appeared at the top of the stairs. His blond hair was spiked tonight, dull with wax. His tan deeper, browner, as if he spent the day in the waves under a beaming sun.
“Yeah, I’m good.” And despite everything, I was. I’d survived telling the truth. It hadn’t been as terrible as I imagined—not that I’d gone into detail. By speaking of it, memories swarmed my brain, pushing and shoving for space. It was hard to ignore since I invited the past back into my life.
I looked away, focusing on two men brutally hitting each other in the boxing ring. The urge to fight filled my stomach. It’d been days since I’d entertained the thought of a session. I missed it.
Being around Clara gave me pain to ignore most of the conditioning, and the small self-harm I did in the shower gave me the extra edge I needed, but I wanted the joy of my fist crunching against something hard. I wanted the thrill of taking someone down. I didn’t want the shame of being a pu**y and cutting himself like an addict.
You’ll never be fully free.
I’d never be tamed or soft and gentle. Violence was as much in my DNA as my brother and past. It was fruitless to pretend otherwise.