Please. Let us not make the wrong decision.
Chapter Thirteen
Bleu Breckenridge
As agreed, I’ve taken this week to sort out my feelings about the IVF. There’s only one emotion not in question: I’m no less terrified than I was the day we left the clinic.
I wish I had one close friend or family member I could meet for coffee so I could pour my heart out. Sin’s the only one I can do that with and that makes for a problem.
I’ve never been a person who opens my heart to others about my personal issues. I’m content bottling my feelings but this situation is different. I have an intense need to talk to someone besides my husband. I need a woman’s opinion.
My friendships with Lorna and Westlyn are growing but neither is in a place where I feel comfortable talking about having a baby. And as much as I adore Isobel, this isn’t something I can discuss with her. I’m certain she’ll be in favor of a grandchild and an heir for The Fellowship.
It’s clear. I need my sister. But she’s more than four thousand miles away, so a phone call will have to do.
“Hello, bonny lass,” she says with the worst Scottish accent I’ve ever heard.
“That was horrible.”
“No way, dude. I’ve been practicing every day.”
We’re southern and have been our whole lives. It’s not something you can easily tone down. “I live among these people and hear it every day. Trust me when I say your execution sucks.”
“Then maybe I should come for a visit so I can improve. And check out some Scottie hotties.”
Not happening. She can never step foot in Edinburgh. But I can’t very well tell her that. “Sure thing. Come and we’ll do one of those tours across Scotland. There’s a whole lot I’ve still not seen. The Highlands. Loch Ness. A bazillion castles and villages. We can check it out together since Sin doesn’t give a rat’s ass about going with me.”
“I’ll take a look at the vacation requests at work to see what I can pull off.”
I think I can manage a visit as long as it’s not in Edinburgh. “You need to come during the summer when there’s plenty of sun. Winter is cold and dark. And sort of depressing.”
“I’m sure Sinclair’s keeping you warm, though, right? How is that new husband of yours?”
“Busy, as always.”
“He’s a newbie. I’m sure they have to earn their places within the firm. Isn’t that how it works?”
No. Not when they’re born into the role of top dog. But I can’t tell her that. “Yeah. Something like that.”
“How are you adjusting to Scotland? To married life? To everything?”
To my new residence? Fine.
To being a wife? Extraordinarily well.
To being the wife a leader of The Fellowship? As good as one could hope, considering.
To the prospect of becoming a mother soon? I have no idea.
“I think I’m handling it well …”
“But …?”
She knows me so well. “Sin and I saw a fertility specialist last week—a really good one. We got some news I wasn’t quite prepared to hear.”
“I’m so sorry, Bleu. I know how much you want to have babies.”
She’s assuming the news was bad. “No, Elli. It’s not what you’re thinking. My doctor says my ovary is in bad shape but my uterus looks good. He thinks I can become pregnant. He’s recommending we do another retrieval, this time with an embryo transfer.”
“Bleu! That’s wonderful!”
Did she hear the second part? “The embryo transfer means getting pregnant now instead of later.”
“I’m not confused about what that means. However, I’m a little puzzled about your lack of enthusiasm.”
“It’s not that I’m not happy. I am. It’s just so soon. We’ve only been married seven weeks.”
“Tell me why your doctor is recommending you do the transfer now.”
I relate what Dr. Paschall explained to us as worst-case scenario. It sounds so dire when I put it in my own words.
“This is what I’m hearing, Bleu. You have a husband who adores you. He wants babies with you so much that he’s paying God only knows how much for you to see one of the best fertility doctors in the world. This highly trained specialist’s job is to give you the best advice for how to conceive. He’s recommending you try now for the best results, instead of waiting. Did I get it all right?”
“Yes.”
It sounds so simple when I hear Ellison’s version. I look foolish for not jumping at the opportunity. Except I know the real reason behind my hesitation. My sister doesn’t.
“Then I’m failing to see the problem.”
It’s not her fault she can’t see my issues. I’m not giving her the whole story. It wasn’t fair of me to expect good advice when I can’t even be honest about why the timing is wrong for me.
“I’m just nervous about it coming so soon in our marriage. I thought we’d have time for the two of us before a baby came along.”
“Better early than never. Because never is a really long time.”
The word never is a powerful one. It has no mercy. It’s stern and doesn’t sway. Ever. It means exactly what it says. It sort of brings the whole thing full circle in my head.
The doorbell rings. Shit. It’s not even eleven and Isobel is already here. She’s early.
I sprint for the door, opening it and motioning for my mother-in-law to come in. I flip the phone upside down so my mouth isn’t over the speaker. “I’m almost finished talking to Ellison. Just give me another minute.”
“No hurry. We have an hour until our appointments.”
That might be okay if I didn’t have to shower. That means I’ve gotta rush.
“Elli, tonight is the reception with Sin’s family so I’ve gotta run. I have a hair appointment.”
“I should be there,” she says.
True. Except I married into a band of criminals so she’ll never have a place among us. “I wish you could be.”
“Send pictures. Lots of them. Particularly any of Sin’s hot Scottish friends.”
“Will do. But you shouldn’t expect much. Sin is the best looking of the bunch.”
God, she’d turn stupid if she saw Jamie, Leith, or Mitch. There’s no way I can ever let her see them. If she did, she’d be on the first plane to Edinburgh—and Jamie fits her type perfectly. All he’d have to do is open his mouth, say one medical word, and she’d be a goner.