Rule number six: be headstrong but vulnerable, confident yet cautious. I’m the one in control tonight, yet I’m giving myself to this monster. I will do it with confidence but understand his reaction could be a volatile one. Again, I will kill him if I have to.
Rule number seven: know and understand that I’m straddling two worlds—his and mine. I laugh about this one since I’ll soon be straddling him.
Rule number eight: conceal any personal feelings I have. He can never see how much giving my body to him disgusts me.
Rule number nine: say or do whatever’s necessary to sell it. I will say anything I think he wants to hear. I will perform any act to make him trust me enough to bring me into Thane’s circle.
Rule number ten: it’s all about the right move at the right time—pacing and patience. I’ll read his emotions and body language to know what needs to come next.
A necessary sin. That’s what tonight is.
“You’re quiet. Are you nervous for later?”
I shake my head. “Eager would be a better description for what I’m feeling.” That much is true. I’m nervous but ready to get this behind me.
“I like the word eager much better than nervous.”
He holds the door for me when we enter The Witchery. He places his hand on my lower back when I walk past. A shiver travels down my spine, causing my body to quiver and chills to rise to the surface of my skin.
We’re seated at a table in a dark, quiet corner. I’m not surprised. I think he likes having me to himself, away from the other patrons. “We’re off to ourselves.”
“So we are.”
“Is this the proposal table?”
“It could be.” He laughs.
“You aren’t going to propose, are you?”
“No.” He’s grinning, amused by my question. I like that I’m able to tease him.
“Good, ’cause I’d have to decline.”
He brings his fist to his chest and pretends to remove something. “Your refusal would be a dagger to my heart.”
“Then let me put your mind at ease. I’m going to let you do what you want with my body but I’ll never give you my heart.”
“Because you can’t or won’t?”
“I guess that’s a matter for a shrink.”
“I don’t need someone’s analysis of why you can’t or won’t give away your heart. I get it. I understand. I’m not sure you know it yet but we’re very much alike.”
He’s wrong. I share no similarities with him. He’s the spawn of a monster. “Perhaps. I suppose only time will tell.”
Dinner is served and I’m hardly able to eat a bite. My stomach is in knots. I order dessert but not because I’m craving chocolate raspberry cheesecake. It’s a ploy to procrastinate.
A strange feeling has settled in my stomach. I’ve had weeks to think about this night, yet I’m not nearly as prepared as I thought. “Want a bite?”
“Aye.” He leans forward and takes the bite I’m offering. “Mmm … delicious but not the sweetness I’m in the mood for.”
He’s eager so I need to be as well. “Are you ready?”
“Very much so. You?”
I nod because I’m afraid I won’t be convincing. “I need to visit the ladies’ room.”
“Sure.”
He stands as I leave the table. I scurry in the direction of the restrooms. They’re located next to the entrance and I seriously consider bolting out the front door. There would be no shame in forgetting the whole thing and going home. Except I can’t. I want to push forward.
I sprint into the ladies’ room and go inside a stall to experience the panic attack I feel approaching. It’s the same as always. I’m short of breath. My heart is racing. My chest hurts. I’d believe I was dying if I didn’t understand what was happening.
I work to slow my breathing. “You’re fine, Bleu.”
A hot flash begins and I use my hands to frantically fan myself. “Calm down. Breathe.”
It lasts several minutes before subsiding. I’m lucky this time. My attacks are often debilitating, lasting at least twenty minutes.
When it’s over, I leave the stall and dab my neck with cool, wet cloths. I feel like my old self so I reapply lipstick and return to Sin. “I’m ready if you are.”
* * *
I’ve previously familiarized myself with Sin’s residence, as well as my escape plan should things go awry. Instead of using the drive to get my bearings, I spend the time psyching myself up.
I realize I’m repetitively popping my knuckles when Sin places his hand on top of mine. “Relax.”
I’m afraid he’ll see the fear behind my eyes or hear it in my voice, so I smile but say nothing.
Sterling pulls through the gated entrance and parks the car in front of a series of weathered stone buildings. Each structure is three levels high. The windows are gorgeous, surrounded by ornate designs, but I can’t appreciate their beauty. I’m too nervous.
“That’ll be all for now, Sterling.”
We enter and Sin barely shuts the door before pulling me into his arms. He’s silent as he searches my face.
“What are you looking at?”
He pushes my hair over my shoulder. “I do believe you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”
More romance. That’s unexpected. “You say pretty things like this to all the girls?”
“Never. Just like I’ve never brought a woman to my house, yet here you are, waiting for me to make love to you in my bed—two more things I’ve never done.”
I’ve procrastinated long enough. It’s show time.
I glide my finger down his tie. “Take me to your bed. We’ve waited long enough.”
He clasps my hand in his and kisses my knuckles before leading me through his flat. “You’ll get the full tour tomorrow.”
Oh. That means I’m staying the night. I sort of expected to be taken back to my flat when this was over, maybe even hoped. “I didn’t bring an overnight bag.”
“Don’t need one for what we’re doing.”
He takes me into his bedroom. No matter how many times I enter one of Edinburgh’s beautiful, old buildings, I’m always surprised by its modern décor.
His room is masculine with hard lines. There’s nothing soft or romantic about it. Not that I’m into that kind of thing or would expect him to be.