Today makes the fourth time he’s gone back to Portland for “business.” At first, he was only gone a day or two. The last time he went, he was gone for almost two weeks. I know he has a business there, but I also know that he conducts many of his sessions online, the same way in which we began talking. Yet he goes to Portland anyway. And his trips are getting longer and longer.
CHAPTER FORTY - Alec
I’m running. I know I’m running. I’m running from having to make some tough decisions with regard to Samantha. I don’t really want to, even though I know I should.
So, instead of doing what needs to be done, I’m here. On my way to Oregon. Again.
There are many things about my life in Charleston with Samantha that satisfy me, that seem perfect. She’s my sexual mirror, I’m discovering. She’s always eager, always willing to try new things and explore different ways we can bring each other pleasure. She’s no longer bound by her fear.
I can tell when she gets nervous with something I’m doing. I don’t stop. I continue. I push her because I know she’ll be glad in the long run. And that she knows I would never hurt her.
Not like that anyway.
Hurt her heart? Now that’s another story.
I know she’s in love with me. And I care about her. Probably more than anyone else I’ve been involved with. But there’s still something holding me back. I don’t know what it is. I just know that I can’t take the next step, that I have no desire to take the next step right now. Maybe not ever.
But I’m too much of a selfish bastard to break things off with her. I love her body too much, I love what she brings me, what she’s willing to do for me. It’s like the ultimate aphrodisiac—knowing that she won’t say no. I know that’s taking advantage of her feelings for me, of her trust. But I just can’t seem to help myself.
I always knew I was a monster.
The strange part is that, the more time that passes—the closer we get, the more involved she becomes—the less connected I find myself. It’s like every brick of her barrier that I pull away is finding its way to me. I’m surrounded. Walled off. Isolated.
I’m taking another few days away to get some space. See if I can figure out what the hell to do about her. How to leave her without destroying her.
Part of me speaks up, saying it’s her own fault. I warned her about me. But somehow, that doesn’t make it feel right anymore.
Nothing does.
And I’m afraid it’s because I don’t really want to leave at all.
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE - Samantha
I’ve only seen Alec three times since he’s been home. He avoids me like the plague. And I don’t know why.
I’ve asked him. I’ve tried to talk to him, but he’s becoming more cold and distant as the days go by.
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO - Alec
I thought letting things die slowly would be easier on Samantha, easier on my conscience, but I think it’s taking a greater toll on both of us. The pretending is the worst part.
I just don’t know what it is that we’re pretending anymore.
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE - Samantha
“You need to talk to him,” Chris tells me for the umpteenth time.
“Chris, I do. I try. I don’t get anywhere. It’s like talking to space.”
“What does he say?”
“The same thing—he’s fine. I’m fine. We’re fine.”
“Well, things are obviously not fine. You two are in cardiac arrest. You need to shock the shit out of this thing or just let it die. What’s it gonna be?”
“How do I ‘shock the shit out of this thing’? What does that even mean?”
“You know him best. Find the bruise, find the wound. Jerk the Band Aid off. Expose it before he hurts you. Permanently.”
If Alec ever hurts me, it will be like this—by just disappearing while he’s standing right next to me. He would never hurt me in any other way. He has held my safety in his hands too many times. I’ve trusted him with everything. And, so far, the only area I can see that might’ve been a mistake was in giving him my love.
But, even now, after crying myself to sleep every night that he doesn’t call and doesn’t come by, I don’t see how I could’ve avoided it.
Alec is my soul mate. Whether he realizes it or not.
But how do I make him see that? How do I shock the shit out of this thing?
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR - Alec
I admit I’m a little puzzled by Samantha’s message, requesting that I meet her at the club. I hope to God it’s not some sort of anniversary-type thing she’s planning. Number one, I don’t think we’ve passed any significant milestones in six months. Number two, that would just be wrong. And very stupid.
She knows we’re in trouble.
She has to.
And she probably knows that our next visit will not end well. Maybe that’s what she’s thinking. One for old times’ sake. Of course, I wouldn’t argue. She’s still one of the most amazing sexual creatures I’ve ever met.
But that’s not enough.
We need more than that to survive. I need more than that.
But I’m not getting it. And I’m not even sure what it is.
CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE - Samantha
I look around the room. There’s nothing in here but me. And a bed. And space. I brought no accoutrements. I have no tricks up my sleeve. Tonight, I’m on a mission. Alec is going to respond to me. I’m going to make him feel something, even if it’s anger. And then, if it’s over, I’ll save him the trouble and I’ll call it quits myself. I can’t stand the thought of losing him, but, to my way of thinking, he’s already gone. Saying it out loud is just a technicality.
I walk to the center of the room and I wait. I’m not wearing anything special—a simple short, black cocktail dress, stilettos with steel tips and my domino.
I hope I didn’t need to tell Alec which room I’d be in. If he can’t even figure that out, we might be more hopeless than I’d thought.
I’m reassured when I hear footsteps stop just outside in the hall. The knob turns slowly and the door swings open, revealing an incredibly handsome Alec on the other side.
His face is like a blank computer screen. It’s void. It’s empty. It’s full of nothingness.
My heart plummets.
He steps inside and closes the door. He leans back against it, crossing his arms and his ankles, studying me with a blandness that makes my heart weep.
“What are we doing here?” he asks after looking around the room and seeing its marked lack of…things.