I shrug and poke at the salad on my plate.
“Anyway,” Derek continues, “Kell seems to think they’ll let Realm come back. But they fired Roger. Made him sign some confidentiality agreement with The Program. Can you believe that? He should be in jail.”
“They’d never jeopardize The Program,” I state. “We’re the cure, remember?”
When I look up they’re all staring at me like I’ve lost my mind, and I consider that maybe I have. Maybe this emptiness is where my heart used to be. I stand up, pushing away my tray and head into the leisure room, taking a seat by the window and staring out.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
I’VE BEEN IN THE PROGRAM FOR FOUR WEEKS AND eight hours. Realm still isn’t back, but I haven’t given up hope. I don’t remember much of my past, but there is a sense that I was happy once. And it makes me think I could be again.
Tabitha and I are standing in front of the leisure room as she shows me her fingernails. As a reward for good behavior, they let her have some polish, and although her nails are still short, they’re now neon pink. She wiggles them admiringly.
“They look great,” I tell her, also noticing how she’s started to brush her hair.
“Thanks,” Tabitha says. “I leave in two weeks, can you believe it? I think they’re going to let me get my hair done, too. Dr. Warren thinks I’d look better with auburn instead of red. What do you think?”
I shrug. “I like it how it is.”
She smiles as if my compliment truly means a lot to her. But then she notices something behind me and her grin widens. “Sloane,” she says.
“What?”
“Loverboy is back.”
I turn quickly and see Realm walking toward us, his lemon-yellow scrubs freshly pressed. A weak sigh escapes from my lips as my whole body releases my fear. I run toward him and he holds out his arms for a hug.
“You’re okay,” I whisper in his ear the minute he swoops me up, my feet dangling over the floor. He smells like soap and laundry detergent, and I’m so happy I don’t think I can let him go.
“I’m okay,” he says, hugging me tight. When he sets me down, he waves to Tabitha and she giggles and walks away.
Realm then stares down into my face, his skin looking paler. “Did anything happen while I was gone?” he asks, putting his hands on my shoulders and massaging them softly.
“Roger was fired.”
Realm smiles and then hugs me again. “Told you he wouldn’t bother you again.” He rests his cheek on the top of my head. “You didn’t tell anyone about what he offered you, right?” he whispers quietly.
“No.”
“Good.”
“The boys won’t play cards without you,” I say, wanting to change the subject. “I think they miss you.”
“Did you miss me?”
And even though we’re hugging, even though I’m so glad to have him back, I feel strange about his question. “Of course,” I answer, because it’s the truth. I pull away and notice the bandage on his knuckles. When he sees me looking he holds it up. “Cut it on his tooth,” he says. “Two stitches.”
“He looked worse, believe me.”
Realm seems satisfied with this, takes my hand in his uninjured one, and leads us to the leisure room.
• • •
The card game is in full swing, and Realm and I have pretzels dangling from our mouths as we call out bullshit. Everyone is laughing.
“There’s no way you have diamonds,” Shep yells at Derek. “I have them all, dude. Bullshit.”
It’s the closest thing you’ll ever get to a diamond from him. I blink. The voice in my head is not mine. It’s from somewhere else, and I see a purple heart-shaped ring with sparkles in it. I’m stuffing it in a mattress, but I don’t know why. Whose ring is that?
“Sloane,” Realm says, bumping my knee. “You okay?”
I nod, looking back at him, but not really seeing him. Inside I feel a pull—something yanking out my heart. I miss someone. I know it plainly, and yet I can’t conjure up a face. An image. It’s like an ache, a phantom pain for an appendage that’s no longer there. I don’t know what I’ve lost, where I’ve been. I think on it, and I don’t know if I had a boyfriend before The Program, if I’m even a virgin anymore. I’m a stranger to myself.
This thought makes tears spring to my eyes. I want to be me, and yet I’m not sure who I am. I cover my face, sobbing into my hands, and then Realm moves into the chair with me, wrapping his arms around me.
“Whoa,” I hear Shep say, sounding nervous. “What’s wrong with you, Sloane?”
“She’s fine,” Realm says quickly, rubbing my upper arm as I cry into his shoulder.
“Doesn’t look fine,” Shep answers.
I feel Realm tense, but then he sighs. “She just missed me a bunch, right, sweetness?” he says jokingly. “It must have been tragic sitting here with you guys for three days.”
They scoff, but I feel the tension leave the table. “Come on,” Realm says, helping me stand up. I’m too embarrassed to look at the guys, so I keep my face hidden against his shirt. “Game’s done for tonight.”
“Ah, man!” Derek yells, and I hear the smack of his cards on the table. Realm doesn’t respond, and leads me out into hall and toward his room. By the time we get there the tears have stopped, and I feel a little more in control, although still empty.
“Come hang out with me?” he asks. I nod and he smiles, sneaking me into his room.
• • •
I’m sitting in a chair by Realm’s bed as he lays out another round of solitaire. It’s past eleven, but no one has come to kick me out. It’s been three days since Realm came back, and night after night, I’ve been allowed to stay in here with him. It’s strange, and I’m not sure if I should be worried or grateful. It’s definitely better than being alone.
“Why don’t they bother us?” I ask.
“What’s that?” Realm groans and lays the cards aside. “How can I not win? I’m playing myself.”
“They never send me back to my room. Why?”
Realm stretches, raising his hands above his head. “Maybe they think we’re a cute couple.”
“I’m serious.”
“And I’m tired.” His dark eyes look me over. “Come to bed with me?”