I open my eyes and see Dr. Warren waiting for the story. I wish I didn’t have to tell her anything, but I just can’t stop. I hate that I can’t stop because I know what it means. She’s going to steal this moment away from me, and the thought is unbearable.
“The night James and I first had sex,” I say, “it wasn’t about our hormones. It was desperate, sad, even a little painful. And then it was beautiful and hopeful. It was a promise we made to each other, that we would protect each other. Take care of each other.
“James told me he loved me, and that he would never let anything happen to me. I promised the same—” I choke on my words. “But I lied. I didn’t protect him. I tried so hard, but I wasn’t strong enough. They came and they took him. And now he doesn’t love me anymore.”
I cover my face and start sobbing, realizing how much it hurts to be alive. How I don’t want to live with the loss. “I have nothing,” I say through my hands. “I’m all alone now.”
“You’re not,” Dr. Warren asks. “I’m not saying James is a bad guy. Neither is Brady or Miller or Lacey. But they’re the reason you’re really here. They were infected, Sloane. They infected you. And now you have to get better. Just like a cancer, we have to cut out what’s making you sick.”
I look at her, still hating her, but with the pain raging in my chest, maybe a little less so.
“Here.” She offers the yellow pill. “Take it. Empower yourself, sweetheart. It’ll make everything right.”
I consider her offer. Then I think of Roger’s disgusting mouth on mine. I think of how his purple pill will let me hold on to some of my memories. So instead I look at Dr. Warren and say, “Go to hell.”
And then someone grabs me, and I feel a pinch in my arm.
CHAPTER NINE
“SLOANE,” A VOICE WHISPERS.
My eyes flip open, and I start to scream as I see a figure next to my bed.
“Shh . . . shh . . . ,” Realm says, quickly putting his finger to his lips. He shoots a cautious look at the door, and I force myself to quiet down.
“You scared the hell out of me,” I whisper, and then lean closer so that I can see him better in the dim room. The only light comes from the moon outside the sealed window. I pause when he comes into focus. “Your eye.”
Realm has a black eye that looks like it might still hurt.
“It’s fine,” he says, waving me off. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Didn’t mean to leave so abruptly.” He grins, but he’s checking me over, making sure I’m all right.
“It was very rude,” I offer. Then I sit up and wrap my arms around his neck. He chuckles and holds me gently, almost like he’s embarrassed that we’re in an embrace. “I was so lonely,” I say.
Realm reaches to smooth back my hair. “Sloane . . .” He pauses. “No one hurt you, did they?” His voice is filled with concern, and I think he’s talking about Roger, but I can’t tell him about the pill. About the kiss.
“No,” I lie. “I just didn’t think you were coming back.” I slowly release him and lie back down in my bed, glad he’s here.
“You should sleep,” Realm whispers. “Meet you for breakfast?”
I nod, smiling. “Maybe they’ll have waffles.”
He laughs. “If not, I’ll find you some.”
I curl up on my side as he fixes my blankets. “You probably would.” I watch as he leaves, quietly closing the door behind him. Seeing him again is like a huge weight lifted off my chest. Even though I know I was upset earlier, I can’t remember why. I’m just glad my friend is back.
• • •
The next morning. Realm is waiting at my table, looking fresh in a pair of new lemon-yellow scrubs. His hair is still wet and brushed back, making him look younger somehow. Paired with his black eye, it’s almost adorable.
“It’s not waffles,” he says, as if expecting me to be disappointed. “But I filled out a suggestion card, so hopefully tomorrow.”
I laugh and sit next to him, not bothering to get my food yet. “Did you get that shiner from the handler?” I ask, leaning to look at it. Realm watches me as I examine him, a sad expression on his face.
“Roger got an elbow in,” he says quietly. “But I nearly choked him to death, so it’s about even.”
I tense and turn away, wishing I hadn’t let Roger touch me, but knowing that I got to keep a piece of myself in return. Or at least I hope.
“What?” Realm asks.
“Nothing,” I murmur. “I’m just hungry.” I get up and walk to the food line.
• • •
I’m at the end of my third week, and I continue to refuse my pills. I almost wish I didn’t know what the medication did to me so I wouldn’t have to have this battle every day. But I do know. And I want to fight.
After a therapy session and a fresh injection, I’m halfway back to my room when he walks into the hall.
“Hello, Sloane,” Roger says. “Sorry I haven’t been around. Been spending a lot of time at your new school.”
At the sound of his voice, goose bumps raise on my arms. “Leave me alone,” I say, my words slightly slurred.
“Don’t you want you know why?”
I turn to look at him as his dark hair falls over his eyes. “No.”
“Does the name James Murphy sound familiar?” he asks.
I gasp and stop walking, steadying myself on the wall. James is my boyfriend, or at least he was until he went into The Program. He’d been friends with Miller—and before that . . . What? Who was James before that?
I press the heel of my hand against my forehead. I can’t remember.
“Seems James is being difficult. No wonder you two were together for so long. You’re a couple of troublemakers.” Roger laughs, and I want to lunge at him and scratch out his eyes.
“Is he okay?” I ask.
Roger nods. “He’s fine. Just a pain in the ass. He’s always testing his handlers, slipping away. He’s lucky he’ll be eighteen soon, otherwise he might end up back here.”
James is okay. I smile and lean against the wall.
“You know, Sloane,” Roger whispers, walking to stand close to me. “After another session or two, James will be gone from your memory altogether.”
“Shut up,” I say, squeezing my eyes closed when his fingers brush my bare arm.