So when he pulled the zipper down my back and shoved my dress to the floor, I let him. I let him peel off my bra and suck my ni**les with uncharacteristic roughness, surprised that my body did respond. It was different, yet I liked it. It was the distraction I needed and I gripped Ethan’s head, my own falling back as I moaned. I loved Ethan. His ring was on my hand, invisible in the dark, but foreign on my finger, so that I was very aware of it.
His touch trailed down my stomach and bending down, he pulled my panties to the side so he could shatter me with his tongue. I held onto his shoulders and gave him the moans he wanted, my verbal commitment in o**l s*x form. “Yes, Ethan, yes.”
As soon as I came, he stood up, unzipping his pants and lifting his erection out. I fought for breath as he lightly smacked my thigh. “Wrap your leg around me,” he said urgently.
I obeyed and then my back hit the wall hard as he pushed into me. All the air left my lungs before I sucked in another breath, holding onto his shoulders for balance.
“I love you,” he said, panting, his forehead pressing against mine.
But all I could think was that for the first time ever he hadn’t used a condom.
And his head was hard, his air stealing mine. I felt pressed, smothered. Turning my head to steal a fresh breath I whispered, “I love you, too.” Then after another thrust, felt compelled to remind him, “You have to pull out. Ethan. Please.”
Because he was Ethan, he did. He gave a groan of frustration but he pulled back, raking his hands through his hair. “Oh, my God, you felt so good. God. Caitlyn. Are you sure I can’t…”
The thought of getting pregnant had me shaking my head rapidly. “I’m sorry… no, we can’t…”
“Shit. I know. I know.” He helped me step out of the circle of my dress on the floor and he took me to the bed, his shoulders rising and falling rapidly with the urgency of his breathing. “I’m sorry.”
Once in his room, he was careful Ethan again, undressing himself and worshipfully taking off my bra and panties.
He was quieter, more subdued, in control again.
When he pulled me onto his chest afterwards, for the first time ever I felt there was a gap between us.
And I was afraid I knew exactly who had created it.
Chapter Four
“I’m freezing,” Aubrey bitched as we sat on a blanket in the stands at the football game the next afternoon.
Sipping my coffee, I tried to feel sympathy but I was distracted. Again. Still. “You need to layer up. You know this. You grew up in Maine.” She was wearing a fall jacket and a hat, jeans and wedge boots. Not summer clothing and certainly adequate for most Mainers but she was always freezing. She seriously ought to know better.
“Again, with the logic thing. It’s so annoying.” She glanced over at me, pulling a strand of blonde hair out of her mouth. “You’re quiet today. You hungover?”
“A little. I have a headache.” I did, but I didn’t think it was from drinking. It was tension and lack of sleep. “The cheering isn’t helping.”
We were sitting in the student section of the stands and there was a lot of yelling, jostling, spontaneous dancing. Normally, I would be right there with everyone, but I was just sitting on our blanket numbly. Not from cold, but from anxiety. It was paralyzing. Too many questions. No answers.
I wanted to see Heath again. I had to see Heath again. But I had no idea how to find him.
But I knew until I did I would be beyond distracted, turning around and around in my head Heath’s parting words, both back in high school and now. I wouldn’t be able to let it go and I wouldn’t be able to be normal. I had worked too damn hard for the life I had to screw it up because of a morbid need to be validated by a guy who may or may not have given two shits about me.
As students went up and down the steps, carting hot dogs and popcorn and nachos, I knew at least half and they always greeted me with a smile and a wave and maybe a minute or two of conversation. For two plus years I had been building a world for myself at UMaine, joining everything I could from social clubs to my sorority to groups focused on a particular cause. I had been to every home football game, scads of hockey games, and just about every party I’d been invited to.
“Want a bite?” Jay asked, making a rude face as he held his hot dog out for me. “Bite my wiener, Caitlyn.”
Gross. I laughed and reared my head back. “I’m a vegetarian, remember? But I bet Aubrey will bite your wiener.”
“Totally.” Aubrey leaned over and basically deep throated Jay’s snack before biting it and pulling back.
“Holy shit, you just bit half of it off!” Jay protested. “This cost three bucks.”
“You offered,” Aubrey said around a mouthful of meat. She wiped her lip. “Mmm. So good. So juicy. Mmm, mmm.” She licked her lips.
Her mocking p**n imitation was enough for him to forgive her. His eyes widened. “Damn. I think I’m blushing.” Jay was a big teddy bear type of guy, and while his cheeks normally had a tinge of pink anyway, he wasn’t lying. They were stained with red splotches.
Aubrey laughed.
“You’re bad,” I told her.
“No, no, she’s good,” Jay said, before giving us a wink and continuing on up the steps to wherever he was sitting.
“I have a confession to make before Ethan gets back,” Aubrey said, leaning in closer to me so no one around us would hear.
For some reason, my heart started to race. Did she know something? Did she suspect that my past with Heath wasn’t platonic? Ethan was working a table selling spirit wear for the student government. He was off duty second quarter and would be sitting with us.
“What?” I asked.
“I hooked up with Colton last night.”
My jaw dropped. “What?” Totally not what I was expecting her to say. “I thought you didn’t really like him.”
“I don’t. But I was drunk and I was lonely and he was persistent. I just sort of gave in.”
She’d done that in the past, and I knew every time she did, she regretted it. Aubrey hid her feelings behind her snark, but the truth was, she was extremely vulnerable. She wanted someone to care about her, and I wasn’t sure why she craved that so desperately. She’d grown up with great parents, a totally normal home life, she’d been popular in high school. I didn’t get why she felt like she needed to prove herself. But I wasn’t going to contribute to her feeling bad about it or herself. I just nudged her.