My curiosity piqued, I click the page open. I freeze when I see his login name.
Surely this is some practical joke. There's no way that Zander, my Zander, could be nightdancer23.
No, no no no. There is no way this is happening.
Firebird.
Nightdancer.
Night dancer. 23. He was a f**king stripper, a night dancer, and he's twenty-three.
Holy f**king shit. Am I that naïve?
Nightdancer is Zander. My Zander. My boyfriend. The man who just fifteen minutes ago had his mouth on me as I screamed out his name.
My breathing picks up as both panic and anger run through my body. Calmer than should be possible, I put the laptop back on the coffee table and sit back on the couch, thinking through all possible outcomes of this cluster f**k.
Do I ignore it? Forget about it? No. What has been seen cannot be unseen.
In my head, I run through everything we talked about. Did I approach him, or did he seek me out? Was this a prank gone wrong? No, I can't believe that. Zander isn't cruel. He could never do that, could he? Lying is a big sticking point for me. My deal breaker. He knows that.
Do I ignore it and wait for him to come clean? Fuck that, he's had every opportunity to tell me about this, so do I confront him now and risk everything for the truth?
With every minute that passes, my body grows tense, my anger increasing. My heart feels as if it's being squeezed tightly inside my chest.
I keep overanalyzing this, knowing that it will drive me insane not knowing the truth. I've always believed if you love somebody, truly love somebody, you don't lie to them. Not about something like this. He's been lying to me for months it seems, and worse still, he'd messaged me as nightdancer after he'd moved in as well. What the f**k was he playing at?
He probably thought that he didn't need to tell me the truth anymore since I sent that goodbye message a few months ago.
Why has this happened to me again? The last person I let lie to me was Liam, but this is far worse because I've let myself see a future with Zander; living happily, in love, and hoping that this was it for me, for us.
I thought I'd finally found my prince; the person who made me see the world brighter, live life fuller and who I'd love unconditionally.
When Zander walks out of the hallway, his expression changes to one of concern when he sees my face. I just stare at him, my expression one of shock.
“Babe, what's wrong?”
Just hearing his voice sets me off. The tears I've been trying so hard to hold in breakthrough, and suddenly my shoulders are shaking with my sobs. The enormity of the situation hits me like an eighteen wheeler at full load. I stare at him, almost like I'm looking through him. My entire body feels as heavy as lead. With a voice devoid of emotion, I open my mouth. “You tell me, nightdancer.”
He stands in front of me motionless, his mouth agape. He looks to the open computer and sees the Chicago Singles page open. Moments pass where he seems unable to speak, unable to say anything to me. “Babe, I can exp-“
“Oh you can, can you?” I spit out, my voice full of venom. “You can explain why you've lied to me? Why you decided to carry on this little game of yours after you'd moved in here? I bet you thought I was stupid. That poor Kate had to resort to internet dating. I gave you my heart...”
My voice catches in my throat, my sobs wracking my body. All of my mustered strength disappears as the hurt takes over.
He takes a step toward me, but I hold my hand up.
“I think you should go. Go back to Zach's, or wherever, and leave me alone. I don't think I know you anymore. You knew lying was a deal breaker, yet you still carried on this ruse of a relationship. What was I to you? A convenient, easy lay? I have to give you credit, though. At least you had the patience to wait out the three dates...well, almost. You said you loved me.”
A sob escapes my lips, and I wipe my nose in the most unladylike fashion possible with the back of my hand. I swallow hard, and hope that my voice is steady when I start speaking again. “I thought I was the luckiest freaking woman in the world because I was loved by you. You'd chosen me.” I choke out those last few words, my voice shaky at best.
“Of course I love you. Don't ever f**king doubt that. Ever, babe. Sit down and let me explain. It's not what you think.”
“I'm not going to let you talk your way out of this because I know I'll cave. You'll try to make it look better than it is. You're going to tell me it wasn't you who talked to me on an internet dating site for almost two months without letting me know it was you? That you never pretended to be someone else and messaged me after you'd moved in? After we'd started dating?”
“Babe, I-“
“No. I'm going out, and if you know what's best for both of us, you'll be gone when I get back.” I grab my purse from the counter and walk to the front door, turning around for one last time and sending a long, pained look at the man who has just single-handedly broken my soul. My heart shatters when I see my pain reflected back at me in his face.
“I thought I'd found the one. I thought that was you. But yet again, dreamy Kate was just letting herself believe in f**king fairytales. Last time I make that mistake.”
He tries to move closer. “Babe, you have to let me explain.” He's pleading, but I can't do it. Not now.
I shut the door behind me, running down the steps and to the cab rank down the road. There's only one place I can go.
I just hope she doesn't kill me for clam jamming her.
Chapter 25: “Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart”
ZANDER
I'm a stupid f**king idiot.
I should have told Kate months ago about the internet dating thing. I should have explained my reasons and avoided this heartache. The pain in my chest is paralyzing. I never thought anything could match the pain I saw when my mother lost my father, but this is worse. This is of my own doing.
Mac sent me a text an hour after Kate left to let me know that she'd caught a cab to Daniel's apartment.
Mac: She's here. You're an idiot. Why the f**k didn't you tell her?
Zander: I know I f**ked up
Mac: She's a mess. This is beyond a simple f**king up. I warned you.
Zander: Fuck! How can I fix this?
Mac: I'm sure she'll come around. She just needs time.
Zander: I'll be gone in the morning.
Mac: You sure you don't want to stay and fight for her?
Zander: I'm going to fight for her to the death, but she asked me to leave so I will.
Mac: Okay. She's staying here tonight. She's not talking to me right now though.
Zander: Shit. I'm sorry Mac. Tell her I love her. Tell her I'm going to make this up to her.
Mac: I'll try.