“Not by a long shot.”
I sat down on my bed.
“Do you have time to talk? I don’t want to tell this story twice, so I’d rather know you’ll hear me out.”
“Okay.” I nodded even though he obviously couldn’t see me through the phone.
“Can we video chat? I need to see you.”
“I don’t kno—”
“I’m calling.”
Moments later, the alert showed up on my tablet. I clicked accept.
“Oh, babe. I’m sorry.”
I sniffled, trying to compose myself.
“All this over a misunderstanding? I should have just told you.” He looked completely distraught.
“It’s not your fault, and it was still good for me to find out the truth.”
“The truth? Is this about the song lyrics again?”
“Partly.”
“Ariana and I dated for five years. Five years. Then out of the blue, she dumped me, telling me it didn’t feel right anymore. No more explanation. It killed me at first, ate me up, but then as time passed, I realized I felt the same way. I just couldn’t accept it. That’s what the song is about. Lake House, that’s the one that made you jealous?”
“Yeah.”
“It’s not a love song. It’s a maybe someday song. It’s about having these idealized notions about a relationship you believe in so intensely that they replace the real thing.”
“I know how that feels.”
“Then you get why that song feels so emotional. Maybe I’m just better at conveying my sad emotions rather than the happy ones. If that’s the case, then I hope to never write a really good one about you.”
I laughed. “This is hard. Way harder than I expected.”
“The long distance part?”
“Yeah.”
“We probably jumped into this too fast. You weren’t ready. But that’s my fault, not yours. I just needed to have you in my life whether it was good for you or not.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is. You’re nineteen and in college, you deserve to have a college life.”
“What are you saying? Are you trying to break up with me?”
“No. Not at all.” He touched the screen and all I wanted to do was actually feel his touch. “I’m far too selfish for that. But we can’t do this the way we are. Listen, will you do something crazy for me?”
“Crazy?”
“Fly up to New York this weekend. I’ll be there for a few days. Come see me.”
“Fly up to see you?”
“I’ll buy your ticket. I just need to see you.”
“Really?” Would it be crazy to say yes? Less than twenty minutes earlier, I was ready to end our relationship.
“Yes. I don’t want you doubting how I feel about you, and I know I can’t prove anything over the phone. I want you to come to my home—I want you to see I’m not hiding anything.”
Half of me wanted to say yes, but the other half warned me not to. Then I remembered what next weekend was and my decision was made. “I can’t.”
His face fell. “You can’t or you won’t?”
“Both.” I swallowed hard. “First, I don’t want to visit your home unless you’re asking for the right reasons.”
“What do you mean? The right reasons?”
“Before today, were you going to invite me? Be honest.”
“I’ve been telling you how much I wanted to show you New York since I met you.”
“Yes, but did you have plans to invite me?”
“No.”
“Then you asking today is for the wrong reason. You feel bad, or you’re afraid of us breaking up, or something. It’s not because you want me there or because you need me there.”
“I do want you there. I love you, Cara.”
“And you know I’m in love with you, Chase. But love doesn’t make up for everything else. I’m not trying to end things, I’m just trying to make sure we move things at the pace they’re meant to be, and not at the pace we think they have to be. So, that’s why I won’t come.”
“Is the can’t reason different?” He crossed his arms. He was upset and wasn’t going to hide it.
“This is a big weekend for me. I’m doing that live broadcast from the Charleston Showcase with Jade and Kyle. This is really big for us—for me. It’s important.”
“Of course. I completely forgot. Of course you need to be there.” He sat up.
“A few months ago, I would have said yes. I would have thrown away an important opportunity to make a guy happy. But I’m not that girl anymore.”
“And I’m glad you’re not. I don’t want you to be that girl. You don’t have to bend to fit into my life. We fit just the way we are.”
“Did you really just say that?” I laughed.
“Yeah, I think I did.”
“I love you, my weird sexy boyfriend.”
He smiled. “Are we okay then? Do I need to worry about you? About us?”
“We’re fine. I’m fine. I just need you to be more open with me. I can’t really be mad though because I hold back plenty from you.”
“Anything I need to know about?” His eyes searched my face.
“I wasn’t going to even confront you about this. I was going to just let us fade.”
“The thing is, I wouldn’t have let that happen. I already told you I’m too selfish to let you go.”
“That’s not being selfish. Being selfish would be telling me my show isn’t important, or insisting that I drop everything for you. You’ve never asked that of me. I may have made fun of the bending analogy, but it’s true.”
“I just want this to work. I know we’re different, but that isn’t a bad thing.”
“I was jealous of more than the lyrics you know.” I felt the need to be honest.
“Oh?”
“I found a picture of you two on a website. You looked so good together—you matched.”
“Sometimes matching too much isn’t a good thing. Ever hear about opposites attracting?”
“Yes. But are we really opposites?”
“No. We’re not. I discover how much more we’re alike every time we talk.”
“It’s strange, isn’t it? How two people can be alike without knowing it?”
He shifted on the bed. “Why were you at that party when we met?”