I didn’t know. What I knew was that my last boyfriend had been screwing his ex the whole time we were together. I also knew that Aaron never wanted me to go home with him. He’d made up excuses every time he went back, and I’d been too stupid to see through it. I wasn’t making that mistake again. “You’re right. Thanks.” I hung up, trying to decide if the awful feeling in my gut was real intuition or just my own insecurities talking.
On impulse, I set up my laptop. Chase said that nearly all of his music came from personal experience and feelings. Maybe there was something in his music that would give me a clue. I searched "Chance of a Lifetime” and “Ariana.” A whole bunch of results showed up all relating to one particular song. The Lake House. My chest clenched. He’d never played that song for me, and then I remembered something else. That was the song the crowd had begged him to play. But he wouldn’t. Was it because of me?
I mustered the nerve and clicked on the first result that contained the lyrics. Moments later, I’d wished I hadn’t. Filled with descriptions of love and sex, the song had me wanting to throw my laptop through the window. I’d thought the songs he’d written for me were sweet, but this was something else. Although laced with sadness, it was intense and raw. And real. There was a level of emotion in Lake House he’d never put in my songs, and that reality hit me like a ten pound weight. Even if Chase wasn’t fooling around behind my back, he didn’t love me. At least not in the true never-ending way he’d obviously felt for this other girl.
For a moment, I wondered if I was reading too much into things, but I refused to believe that. I went back and continued through the results. I clicked on a link to an interview Chase had done a few years back. Worse than the lyrics was the picture that accompanied the article. There was Chase holding a girl from behind with a big goofy grin on his face. His guitar was slung over his shoulder. The girl looked nothing like me. With jet black hair, and a model’s thin and straight figure, she looked so much more natural next to him. The caption below it read, “Chase Denton and his muse, Ariana.”
I left the site and deleted both pages from my browsing history. I didn’t want to accidently click on it and read those lyrics or see that picture again. Maybe Carol was trying to send me a message at lunch. Did she want me to stay away from Chase? My head spun with what ifs. I needed to handle things right. Chase didn’t even live in the same city. It wouldn’t be like Aaron. It didn’t have to be some big over the top emotional breakup. I’d just distance from him, and he’d get the hint and move on. He could get back with Ariana or someone else he did love.
I picked up my phone and texted Chase back. Sorry. Really busy right now.
Can you talk?
No. Sorry. I’m at. I started to type the library but I deleted it. I wasn’t going to lie. I left it at No. Sorry and hit send.
:( When are you free? Any time before nine works for me.
Maybe tomorrow. I’d calm myself down by then.
My phone rang. Hadn’t I just told him I couldn’t talk?
I hesitated for a moment but decided that getting the phone call over might be the best bet. “Hi, Chase.”
“Finally. Are you okay?”
“Yeah. I’m fine. Just stressed about school and stuff.”
“Are you sure that’s it?”
“What else would it be?”
“You were fine when we talked last night. You met my mom, and now you seem mad at me. Did she say something about me? She seemed to think you guys hit it off, but clearly that wasn’t how you felt.”
The normal Cara would have assured him everything was okay and gotten off the phone, but I wasn’t that Cara anymore. “Why didn’t you invite me to the lake house?”
“What? How’d you even know about that?”
“Okay, point made. Have a good show, Chase.”
“Wait? What? I’m just curious. Did my mom mention it?”
I sighed. “Yes. She asked whether I’d decided if I was coming. And don’t bullshit that you didn’t want me to miss class or anything. She already knew I would be done for the semester.”
“Cara. It’s not what you think, or at least not anything that should be making you this mad and upset.”
“I’m not mad or upset.”
“Yes, you are.” His voice softened. “I know your voice.”
“I just wanted this to be real. I wanted us to be real. But I’m the idiot. Again.”
“Whoa. What are you talking about? Why wouldn’t we be real? Are you that upset I didn’t invite you on a trip?”
“No. It’s why you didn’t. And what your songs for me feel like. And how you aren’t in love with me, even though you pretend to be.”
“What the fuck? Where is this coming from? What do you mean what my songs feel like? And damn it, Cara, you know I love you.”
“I have to go.” I hung up, and let the tears start. I knew the tears weren’t just about Chase. They were about Aaron, and how completely strange I felt in my own skin. Something had to give. I’d thought dating Chase would help me move on, but I was starting to doubt it.
Chase called back, and I forced myself to pick up. I owed it to both of us to have this conversation out. “Hi.”
“Cara, I talked to Len. This is about Ariana, isn’t it? You think I’m doing what your ex did?”
When I didn’t answer at once he continued. “You know that’s not what’s happening. I’m the one who pushed for exclusivity from the beginning. Ariana and I have been done for over a year.”
I wiped away the tears from my eyes. “Then, why didn’t you invite me?”
“This is going to make me sound weak, but I’d prefer that to you somehow thinking I didn’t want you to come. She’s engaged, and I really don’t want to see it. I just wanted to go away somewhere alone with you.”
His words felt real, but what did it mean that he didn’t want to see the girl with someone new? “If you’re over her, why does it matter that she’s moved on?”
He sighed. “Would you want to see Aaron with someone else? Not to pour salt in a wound, but think about it. No matter how badly a relationship ends, it’s still hard to watch them happy with someone else. Maybe what makes it harder is that deep inside, you don’t want to see them happy. Wow, I just said that out loud.”
“Your breakup wasn’t a clean one?”