I kissed him with a desperation I hadn’t felt before, knowing if I stopped he’d tell me the words I didn’t want to hear. All those silly fears I’d had over the years seemed so freaking pathetic in the face of what I was feeling in Finn’s arms.
He moaned into my mouth and stumbled back, his hands supporting me. I knew I was attacking the poor man, but I couldn’t stop. Not now. Not ever. When he broke off the kiss, his breathing heavy and his grip on me unbreakable, I dared a glance up at him.
“Ginger,” he said. “We need to talk.”
I forced a smile for him, my hands gripping his shoulders so hard it probably hurt him, but he didn’t so much as flinch. “I know,” I said, my voice breaking on the last word. When he shot me a concerned look and opened his mouth to talk, I pressed my fingers against his mouth. “No. Don’t say it. Not yet. I need a drink first.”
He kissed my fingers and nodded, his bright blue eyes latched on me. “Have I ever denied you something you wanted?”
I wanted to demand he not leave me. He’d promised to give me everything I wanted, hadn’t he? But that wouldn’t be fair. Even I knew he didn’t have a say in whether he left or stayed. It was all up to men like my father. To the men in the government who sat behind their desks, moving men like Finn across the world like chess pieces.
I noticed the outline of his dog tags, so I gently grasped the chain and pulled them out from under his shirt. I scanned the words that denoted his name, social security number, blood type, and religion. I now knew he was O positive. What a weird way to find out. I didn’t even know what the heck type of blood I had, but I knew his.
Oh, and he was Catholic. He’d never mentioned this before. But we hadn’t talked about God much, besides when he’d told me surfing was his version of church. We hadn’t gotten to that part of our lives yet, I guess.
Knowing that this was how they kept track of who was who felt so cold and impersonal. But then again, that’s how life was, wasn’t it?
“Carrie…”
“I know. I need a drink first.”
He gave me a look, one that said he didn’t like this not-talking thing I was doing any more than he liked giving me alcohol, but I stubbornly ignored it. I went into the kitchen, grabbing him a beer and me a wine cooler. After I opened them, I went back to his side and handed him his beer.
He took it and sat down on the couch, his eyes never leaving mine. Then he held it out to me. “To us?”
“To us,” I echoed, tapping my bottle with his. I brought it to my lips and drank it, not even taking a breath between swallows. Finn threw me a concerned look and pried it out of my fingers before I could drain it. “Hey.”
Finn cupped my chin and turned my head, forcing my face toward his. “Carrie. Look at me.”
“I can’t. I just…can’t.” I closed my eyes tight, scrunching them shut. “I don’t want to do this.”
“Ginger…” He pulled me into his lap. “I need you to look at me.”
I rested in between his legs, but facing him, a leg on either side of his hips. I squeezed my eyes shut even tighter, like a kid terrified to open her eyes and see the monster looming over her bed late at night. I couldn’t handle this. I wasn’t strong enough.
Wait. Yes, I was. I had to be strong for him. He needed me to be strong.
I took a deep, shaky breath and opened my eyes, my chest moving far too rapidly and my heart echoing in my head so loudly it freaking hurt. I knew that I wasn’t going to like what he had to say, and I knew I was going to lose it. Completely lose it.
I rested a hand behind his neck, directly between his shoulder blades, and the other on his shoulder. I nodded, knowing he was waiting. Waiting for me to be ready.
It’s not that I couldn’t handle it. I could. I’d just needed some time.
And I loved him even more for totally getting this about me.
I nodded once. “Go ahead. Tell me everything.”
Chapter Sixteen
I looked at Carrie, her blue eyes on me and so breathtakingly beautiful, and I clammed up. I had so much I wanted to tell her, but I wasn’t allowed to. I could only give her a fraction of the details, and then in a few days, I wouldn’t be able to tell her anything. I knew she wouldn’t like that any more than I did.
Our relationship had been built on secrets and lies, and now I had to go right back to not telling her stuff. To keeping secrets. I didn’t like it, but my eye was on the end goal. And it would be worth it once we got there. If we got there.
I closed my hands around the back of her waist, holding on tight in case she tried to bolt. I needed to hold her. “I saw an old friend of yours today. Captain Richards. Does the name ring a bell?”
“Yeah, he went to the same college as my dad. They’ve been close ever since. I think he’s coming for our Christmas dinner we always do.” She shook her head, watching me closely. “What did he want with you?”
“He had an offer to make.” I hesitated. “There’s something I have to tell you first, and please try to understand this isn’t up to me.”
She stilled. “What?”
I rubbed her back in big, wide circles. “I can’t tell you all the details of what I got asked to do. It’s got a high-security clearance—one I just obtained today—and I am legally not allowed to tell you everything I know.”
She blinked at me. “I won’t tell anyone.”
“It doesn’t matter. I’m not allowed to tell.”
She nibbled on her lower lip. “Do you not trust me to keep a secret? I mean, I know I’m not the best liar in the world, but I could do it.”
I cupped her cheeks. “Ginger, it’s not that. I f**king trust you with my life. But it’s my job, and I can’t tell you. It has nothing to do with trust, okay?”
“Fine. Yeah.” She nodded jerkily. It wasn’t fine with her. I could see it. “I get it, but what can you tell me?”
“Captain Richards asked me to take on a special case. It will involve me leaving in two days.”
“What? Why? No.” She gasped. “Where are you going?”
“Away.” I flinched. “Out of the country.”
Her eyes flashed. “Where?”
“I can’t say,” I said, closing my eyes. “That’s part of the deal, Ginger.”
She pushed off my lap and paced. “Seriously? I can’t even know where or why? That’s ridiculous.”