She tapped her foot. “You’d prefer to go tell everyone out there what you just told me?”
Cold fear sucked the blood from my face. Tell Danny and Baba? Or worse: Gardner and Morales? “Hell no.”
“Then you’re going to march your skinny white ass out there, take the fucking medal, and then never tell anyone what you did.” She took a menacing step forward. “And then you and I are going to have a nice long chat about your life choices.”
I frowned. “Wha—”
“Ever since you joined that team you’ve been different.”
“No I haven’t.” My gaze went south, unable to stand the knowing look in her eyes.
“The drinking, the lies, using magic—how much of yourself are you going to surrender for this job?”
I took a deep breath and tried to keep my tone reasonable. “I told you, I did magic to save Danny. It had nothing to do with the team.” Which wasn’t the complete truth. Eventually Bane might have admitted my uncle had been behind the Gray Wolf case, but I probably wouldn’t have believed him without seeing the truth in the magic, so to speak.
“Denial,” Pen singsonged.
“Don’t pull that AA bullshit with me, Pen. You would have done the same to save Danny’s life.”
She nodded reluctantly. “Maybe. But don’t you see? It’s not just that you cooked. It’s that you cooked and then lied about it. That’s not healthy behavior, Kate. I’m telling you, this task force assignment is bad news.”
I sucked air into my lungs and let out a shaky breath. “I just have to be more careful going forward. Volos got the better of me. It won’t happen again.”
“Keep telling yourself that, Katie.” She put her hands on my shoulders. “But it’s only a matter of time until you’re required to use magic on a case. What will you do then?”
I felt like she’d slapped me. My head shook back and forth in denial. “I had the chance to read a potion yesterday and I didn’t do it,” I argued. “I have it under control.”
That was what I said on the outside, but on the inside a small voice told me she was right. Eventually I’d have to choose, but not that night. That night, I had to focus on putting on a convincing act in front of everyone I loved and respected so they wouldn’t know I was a liar.
Pen blew out a big breath, as if surrendering this particular battle in order to win a different one. “We can discuss your choices later, but for now you need to go play like you’re clean.”
The implication that one slip-up had suddenly rendered me dirty in her eyes filled me with shame. “Are you sure I can’t just sneak out the back door?”
“Take a deep breath, put on your game face, and go do the damned thing,” she said.
I couldn’t believe my best friend was encouraging me to go along with this farce. Receiving a ten-year sobriety token was a huge deal. When she’d received hers, we celebrated into the morning hours with most of the people in my living room. I remembered being so proud of her that night. The exact opposite of how she felt about me right then. Hell, it was the exact opposite of how I felt about myself. “I don’t feel right—”
“It’s too late for that,” she said. “If you refuse the anniversary token, everyone will want to know why. Normally, the group would support you through a relapse, but if your team finds out what you did, you’re toast.” She pulled herself up straighter, as if she was trying to convince herself as well as me. “There’s no choice but to play along.”
With that, she must have decided the discussion was done, because she was already opening the door and pushing me out into the lion’s den.
The sounds of music and laughter from the living room made my steps falter. Pausing by the kitchen table, I saw Gardner and Mez chatting with Rufus and Sarah by the fireplace. Sarah was one of the girls who’d recently joined the recovery program. The first time she’d come to a meeting, her face bore the mottled red sores of a long-term dirty magic user. She’d been too pale and her hands had tremored. But now her skin was clear, and when she reached out to shake Morales’s hand as he approached, her grip was steady. She even smiled, though it was the unsteady expression of one unfamiliar with happiness.
In the last ten years I’d met dozens of former freakers like Sarah. Junkies who’d decided to change their fates and get clean. The zeal of conversion fueled them those first few months. But eventually, once their minds cleared and they started working deeper through their steps, the problems morphed from the physical challenges of detox to the emotional ones of putting your life back together without the help of potions. Let’s face it, most people don’t start using potions because they’re well adjusted. Magic helps people create a sort of artificial wall between them and their demons. And once that wall comes crumbling down, the demons emerge bigger and more pissed than ever.
I didn’t know what Sarah’s particular demons were. Didn’t much matter, really. Everyone’s got some and everyone’s got to figure out how to battle them on their own. Problem was, lots of times those in recovery discovered that battling demons was a lot harder than hiding behind that wall.
“Kate!” Rufus called above the party noise. He waved me over, his demeanor one of someone about to make a grand gesture. “Everyone, your attention please!”
I pressed my lips together to hold in the curse stabbing at my teeth. When I reached him, he pulled me into the center of the room. Everyone circled up.
Directly in front of me, Danny fell in with Pen on one side and Sarah on the other. Pen wouldn’t look at me, preferring to stare at the floor.
“We’ve gathered tonight to celebrate a milestone for our good friend Kate.” He glanced at me with a paternal smile. “Ten years ago, when Pen dragged her to group, I have to admit I had my doubts.”
A titter of amusement trickled through the crowd. My gaze strayed toward Pen. She still wouldn’t look at me.
It had been six months after I’d left the coven. I was so poor it was getting harder and harder not to think about how much easier life could be if I sold a couple of harmless potions to help ends meet. I’d mentioned this to Pen one day, and that night she’d dragged me to meet Ru and the gang.
“But Kate quickly proved she was committed to working the steps. And before long she was encouraging other lost souls to keep the faith.”