I pressed my tongue to the roof of my mouth and tried to get a harness on my anger. Morales didn’t know the reasons why I didn’t want this party. Actually, no one did. “Sorry. It’s just—touchy.”
He laughed and replaced the soda with a beer. “Drink up, Cupcake. Try to enjoy your own party.”
At that moment Baba shuffled forward with her cane. “Ha! We got ya!”
I forced a smile. “Sure did.”
“Hey there, hot stuff,” she said to Morales.
My seventysomething-year-old next-door neighbor had taken a shine to my partner the first time she’d met him. He endured her flirtations with humor, and never complained when she pinched his backside.
“Hey, good lookin’,” he flirted back. “Is that a new dress?”
“This old thing?” She pointed a black orthopedic shoe like a Rockette. “Why don’t you come put those muscles to use and pass around some drinks?”
He shot me a grin before offering her his arm like a real gallant. She giggled and grabbed his bicep, giving it a squeeze as one might a ripe melon. As the pair moved away, I saw the perfect opening to get the hell out of Dodge.
“Kate?” Rufus called, preventing my escape.
Rufus Xavier was the leader of the Arcane Anonymous group I’d belonged to for the last decade. I hadn’t talked to him in about a month, since I’d been skipping our weekly meetings. He’d been calling me at least once a week, though, and giving me shit for my lack of attendance. The man’s middle name was “Tough Love,” and he looked for any opportunity to call us on our bullshit.
I took a deep breath and forced some new life into my false smile. “Wow, this was unexpected.”
“Shouldn’t be. The way you been playing hooky?” He speared me with a knowing glare. “How long you think I was gonna let it go?”
My hands shoved into my pockets, I looked away from the man I considered both a mentor and a friend. “Wasn’t playing hooky,” I muttered. “We’ve been swamped with the double moons.”
“Mmm-hmm,” he said. “Tell that to some muh-fucker ain’t already heard every excuse in the damned book, girl.”
I looked down at my beer, willing it to turn into something stronger. Nearby, Danny turned on some music, which filled the room with a booming bass line.
“What’s going on with you, Kate?” Ru said, leaning in to be heard.
Ru was the kind of man you wanted to trust. Everything about him invited sharing secrets.
From the corner of my eye, I saw Gardner chatting with Mez, Danny, and Baba.
But my secrets weren’t going to be shared in that room with that crowd. Or ever, if I had my way.
“I’ve had some stuff on my mind I’m not ready to talk about.”
“Ah,” he said, nodding. “It’s no wonder after what happened to the boy.” He patted me on the arm. “Tonight’s for celebrating, but soon enough you’re going to have to purge those demons before they eat you alive.”
I swallowed and nodded. His words struck too close to the truth for comfort. “Maybe once things quiet down. After Halloween.”
His mouth tightened, a sure sign he was about to start one of his lectures. I held up a hand. “Listen, I need to go grab something. I’ll be right back.”
“But—”
I turned away before he could continue. I escaped through the kitchen and into my bedroom. The instant the door closed behind me, I slid down the plane until my butt hit the floor.
For weeks, I’d been waking up from dreams of cooking. Sometimes it was an orgasm that woke me, other times, bone-shaking sobs. I’d known my choice to use magic was wrong, but the surge of power that came with manipulating that kind of energy was seductive. Cooking was a lot like masturbation. Doing it had left me feeling dirty, but I couldn’t stop thinking about wanting to do it some more.
The worst part had been knowing it was only a matter of time until the choices I’d made that night in the factory with John Volos came back to bite me. Arriving to a house full of people I cared about who had no idea they were celebrating a lie was too much to bear.
I put my head in my hands and squeezed my eyes shut. How had I gone from a clean-and-sober cop with a great record to a liar who got off on cooking dirty potions in abandoned factories?
A soft knock sent vibrations through the wood at my back. “Kate?” Pen whispered.
I rubbed my hands over my eyes, as if maybe I could wipe away the traces of guilt. With a groan, I pulled my ass off the ground and opened the door just enough for her to slip through.
“Hey,” she said with an exaggerated smile. The kind moms give their kids when they’re trying to pretend nothing’s wrong.
I leaned back against the dresser. “Hey.”
“What’s wrong?” she asked, looking genuinely perplexed.
I shot her a look. “Seriously?”
She sighed. “I don’t get why you’re being so stubborn about this—”
I slashed a hand through the air. “You don’t have to understand it. You just needed to respect my wishes.”
“Rufus thought since you hadn’t been to group in a while—”
“I haven’t been to group because I’ve been fucking busy!”
Her face morphed from confusion to anger. “Jesus, what is your problem? You’re acting like this anniversary is something to be ashamed of.”
“That’s because it’s not a real anniversary. I’ve seen what real junkies go through and my challenges didn’t even begin to compare.”
After my mother died from using a potion I’d cooked, I’d realized that magic had poisoned my life and I’d be better off without it altogether. I’d joined AA to have a visceral reminder of why I’d quit cooking in the first place. Seeing all those sad cases trudge into meeting every week reminded me that there are real human costs to messing with magic in any form.
She frowned. “You have to know what an accomplishment it is. You walked away from one of the most powerful covens in the Cauldron and turned your back on your own magic to give yourself and Danny a better life. That is what’s worth celebrating. It’s not about who had the hardest road to travel. It’s about all of us being so grateful you’re in our lives.”
Those words should have warmed me. Made me thaw enough to admit maybe she was right. Instead, they simply added another layer of frigid self-loathing. “You wouldn’t be grateful if—” I stopped short and redirected. “Look, I’m just tired and I had a shitty day.”