Luke gives Seth a harsh look and then shakes his head. ‘Anyway, I just came to see what you two were up to and that if everything was okay.’ There’s an underlying meaning in his tone – he’s worried about how I acted last night and wants to see if I’m okay.
I nod, letting him know that I’m fine, but really I have no clue what I’m feeling. Usually in these types of situations, I’d run to the nearest window and picture myself falling. Right before I hit the ground, I’d take my last breath. I want to really, really want to do it. Dreamt about it last night. Thought about the images repeatedly this morning, but between my choice to live in the water and making Luke a promise that I’d try to stop, I’m not going to.
He releases a stressed breath then nods. ‘Okay, but if you need be, come get me.’ He hitches a finger over his shoulder and points at one of the rooms. ‘Kayden and I switching rooms.’
I frown as I get to my feet. ‘You’re not done yet?’
He finds me amusing. ‘We’ve been here for a half of an hour.’
I fold my arms across my chest. ‘That’s a half of an hour too long if you ask me.’
Then gets him to laugh, even though I was being serious. ‘You’re cute.’ Then he gives me a kiss on the cheek and a pat on the ass before walking off.
I turn to Seth and raise my eyebrow. ‘What am I? One of his football buddies now?’
Seth looks up at me with this funny look on his face. ‘I think you’re pretty much the opposite for him.’
‘And what the hell’s the opposite of a football buddy? ‘
‘I don’t know … his lover.’ He shoots me a devious grin and waggles his eyebrows.
That strikes a nerve as I think about a couple of weeks ago and how Luke said he loved me and I realized that I have no idea what the fuck love is and how I felt bad that I couldn’t say it back to him. I want to at least understand it, but I have yet to figure out how to do so.
My expression immediately plummets and Seth notices that it does. He sits up quickly, eagerness written all over his face. ‘Holy shit, he said it to you, hasn’t, he?’ He scurries to his feet, eager to hear the gossip.
‘I don’t want to talk about this,’ I say uncomfortably, scanning the workout room, searching for a diversion. But machines that look like torture devices and sweaty people I don’t know surround me.
‘Talk about what?’ Greyson joins us from seemingly out of nowhere, sweat on his brow and in his hair. His shirt has some on it too, yet he looks content with his tired, sweatiness.
‘Nothing, hence why I said I don’t want to talk about it,’ I tell him, picking up my coffee, ready to bail. I’ll tell Luke I had to run somewhere. Lie. Problem is, after last night, he’ll freak out I’m sure and I don’t want to do that to him.
‘Luke told Violet he loves her,’ Seth announces and I shoot him a dirty glare as he slaps his hand over his mouth. ‘Sorry. I’m a terrible liar though.’
‘What?’ Greyson sounds more hurt than excited. He steps in front, blocking my path out of here. ‘When did that happen?’
I pick at my purple fingernail polish. ‘I don’t know, like a couple of weeks ago.’
The hurt in his eyes magnifies. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
I shrug, guilt burning in my chest. ‘Because there wasn’t much to tell.’
There’s a pause then he grabs my good arm and tugs me to the corner of the gym that smells worse than the mat. Seth calls out to him, but he ignores him.
‘What happened?’ Greyson asks, standing in front of me, so I’m kind of trapped in the corner. A corned cat, that’s what I am. And one that wants to run.
‘He said,’ I make air quotes. ‘’I love you’ … I couldn’t say it back.’
‘Yeah, okay.’ A slow breath escapes his lips as he nods at something he must be thinking inside his head. ‘Couldn’t because you don’t love him? Or couldn’t because you just couldn’t say it back yet?’
I wish I could say the latter, that I was the kind of person capable of love and just needed more time, but I honestly don’t know. ‘I’m not sure which one.’
He gives me a sad look. ‘Violet, I know love can be scary and everything, but it’s scary in the amazing, steal your breath, feels like your flying kind of way. You shouldn’t be afraid of it.’
‘I’m not afraid of it.’ My heart begins to do panicked dance inside my chest as emotions singe through my veins. ‘Just confused what it is.’
I don’t want to have to say it – that I don’t even know what love is. That the last time I felt loved and truly loved someone was when I was five and my parents were still alive. Greyson knows enough about my past that he can perhaps figure this out on his own. Please, please figure this out on your own so I don’t have to say it aloud.
I don’t know if he figures it out or not, but he steps back and drops it.
We head back to the mat when suddenly his eyes light up. ‘I have an idea,’ he says, his sullen mood vanishing.
My mind is swimming with too many emotions. I’ve been trying not to do it, to run off and seek some sort of dangerous thrill in order to calm myself the fuck down. But it’s been two weeks, two weeks of piled up emotions, heavy, painful emotions. ‘Oh yeah …’
He nods then motions at me. ‘Follow me.’
I don’t want to follow him. I want to run out the door – the door that I can see, so close, I just need to step toward it. But what happens when I get outside? What happens when I decide to dive into the water this time and I don’t make it out? Or what if I make it out and Preston is there and this time a crowd doesn’t show up?
‘Hey, Violet.’ The sound of a female voice greeting me forces me to turn my head away from the door. I’ve reached the mat area in my daze and Seth, Greyson and Callie are all standing near me, like we’re at camp and attempting to form some sort of friendship circle. I feel like we should be holding hands and singing. Seriously.
I give Callie a tight smile. It’s not that I don’t like Callie. It’s just that things are a little weird between her and me since we shared a dorm freshman year and she thought I was a prostitute. Really I was selling drugs, but I let her believe that I was a whore because I never really cared what people thought of me – still don’t. But I was kind of mean to her sometimes; although my argument is it wasn’t just her I was rude to, but everyone.