“What?” Nova presses. “Because I’m dying to know what’s going on with you two.”
“I don’t know what I feel.” Which is kind of the truth. I feel so many things it’s difficult to decipher them all. Confusion. Hurt. Upset. Angry. Worthless, as if I wasn’t good enough for Avery to trust me with her private life. Then again, ex-druggie doesn’t really scream trust worthy.
Always the same.
Never going anywhere.
I wish I could be different.
Better.
I thought I was.
“I don’t necessarily agree with you two.” Quinton is the one to speak this time, and it’s a strangely rare occurrence, so it throws Nova and I off. Both our heads whip in his direction and he shrugs. “I mean, there’s just some things you can’t tell people sometimes, at least not in the beginning. And I’m sure Avery was just trying to protect her son until she got to know you enough to trust you. So you should be glad she invited you over today because it probably means she trusts you.”
Nova and I exchange a baffled glance in the rearview mirror.
“That’s very insightful,” she tells Quinton while tapping the brakes as she flips on the blinker to turn off the highway and into the motel parking lot. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d guess you had a son.”
Quinton shakes his head as he gazes out the side window at the trees and shrubbery bordering the road. “No, but back in the day, I was close with one of my aunts who was a single parent. She would always talk about how she’d never let the guys in her life know about her kid because she was worried they’d turn out bad or the relationship would end ugly and her daughter’s heart would get broken.”
It grows quiet as I let his words of wisdom sink in. He’s probably right. I have no right to be upset with Avery over this. But it’s still a lot to take in, confusing, mind-boggling. I’m not sure if I’m even good with kids or if I want to be, never really thought much about it. So what does that mean? That I should walk away?
But I don’t want to walk away.
I want her.
More than I’ve wanted anyone before.
I can’t give her up.
Give up what she’s given me.
“You know, I think that’s the most sentences you’ve ever said in a row,” I tell Quinton. Nova chokes on a laugh as she aligns the car with the front of our room and shuts off the engine.
“Ha, ha, you two fuckers are a riot,” he says, but he’s grinning as he hops out of the car.
Nova removes the keys from the ignition and opens the door. “You are going to go to her little party thing, right? Because I think I might not like you very much if you blow her off because she has a kid.”
“Wow, way to put it out there just how important I am to you.” I reach around the side of the seat to lift the lever.
“You are important,” Nova promises, meeting my gaze from over the roof of the car as she gets out. “But you’re important because you’re a nice guy, and if you blow off Avery because she’s a mom, then you’re not a nice guy anymore.” She shuts the door then starts around the car, swinging the grocery bag in her hand. “I’m not saying you have to date her or be her boyfriend. If you’re not up for the whole kid thing, then you’re not, but don’t just leave her hanging. And you can still be her friend. It’s what she wanted anyway, right?” With those final substantial words, she goes inside with Quinton, leaving me standing in the blaring heat by myself.
The land encompassing the motel is bare, the neighbors nowhere to be seen, but the door five spaces down from ours is a painful reminder of how unready I am for all of this, especially when the curtain draws back and Zedd peeks out the window. His eyes find me, and he crookedly grins as he draws a line across his neck with his finger.
Shaking my head, I inch closer to the door where I don’t have to look at him. I feel disappointed; not only in myself, but because of who I am. I wish I could be a better person, one who doesn’t have to stand around and question this—question what kind of person they are. One who doesn’t have a twisted past that still haunts him. If I was that kind of person, I wouldn’t be here. I’d be at Avery’s, talking, listening to her life, joking around with her, all of my favorite things.
“How can I do this when I can’t even take care of myself without someone helping me?” I mutter, turning to go inside.
When I enter the room, Nova and Quinton are laying out the food we bought at the deli. The room smells like barbeque sauce and cigarettes.
“Feeling better?” Nova asks as she sets three paper plates onto the table.
“No.” I unzip my duffel bag to get my running clothes out.
She opens a box of chicken and steam swirls out into the air. “Well, what can I do to help?”
Quinton chuckles under his breath. “Always wanting to help. You’re too sweet, Nova Reed.”
“Whatever. So are you.” She sticks her tongue out at him then looks expectantly at me.
I don’t know what to say to her, what will make me feel better.
“I just need to know I can do this,” I say lamely.
“Do what?” she asks, nibbling on the end of a chicken strip.
I shrug. “Be the kind of person that can handle all of this and be good at it.”
“Only you know the answer to that,” She places the chicken strip down on a plate. “But if you want my opinion, you’re a way better person than you used to be, and I think if you want to handle it, you can.”
“You’re a good person,” Quinton chimes as he peels off the top from a condiment of barbeque sauce and plops down in a chair. “The day on the roof proved that.”
The three of us grow quiet. I’m sure we’re all thinking about that life-changing day on the roof that feels ages ago.
“I need to clear my head,” I mumble, going into the bathroom to change into my running clothes, hoping that maybe I can run this out and figure out what to do.
Right and wrong.
Good and bad.
How can I tell the difference?
After I put on my sneakers, I hurry outside and jog down the road. The farther I get, the faster my legs carry me. Maybe I can sweat Avery out of my system. It’d be so much easier if I could. On the contrary, even when I’m breathless, soaking wet, and my lungs ache, I can’t stop thinking about how much I want to be with her. I quickly realize it’s going to take a lot more than running to forget about Avery.