I do. How he raped me all the time. Hurt me. How I would pretend to be someone else. My sister. Who was stronger. Who seemed to handle it better than I did. She didn’t cry. Always did what he wanted.
“You’re the one who’s been… who’s been messing with my mind.” I finally manage to speak again. “You made me think I was going crazy… that I was a killer…. You’re real… still alive.”
“Only in you, Maddie.” Lily’s voice tries to push through my fear.
“And it was so easy,” he says with a grin, so close to me that I could reach out and touch him. “You were always the weak one. Every time I tried to teach you right and wrong, you fought me.”
Make him pay, Lily whispers. Shoot him!
“Get her to stop,” Bella says and when she looks at me, River comes up from behind her, ready to tackle her, but she swings back around. “This isn’t how this was supposed to go down. I’m supposed to get the last say.”
I shake my head at my father. “Not this time. This time I’m the strong one.”
“Maddie, snap out of it.” Lily steps in front of him, her hands still up to her side, the scent of fire swirling around me, even though there’s no flames. “He’s not really there—you’re just seeing things. And it’s time to let him go and come back to me.”
“But you’re just as bad as him!” I scream, my hand shaking so bad I nearly drop the gun.
My dad smiles from behind Lily. “Always so unstable.”
“I’ll kill you,” I say. Do it, Maddie. Make him pay. “I’ll f**king kill you.”
“What good is it going to do to kill me?” he says with a shrug. “They’d still be here. All of them and they all hurt you in one way or another, just like me.” He pauses, musing over something. “I think you need to make them pay for their badness, for what they did to you. It’s about time you did what you were taught to do.”
As if I’ve lost control over my body, I move the gun around to River, then to Bella, and conclusively to my father. Lily is still standing in front of him, her eyes on me, watching me unravel into insanity right before her.
“Don’t even think about it,” Bella says. “This is my moment, not yours.”
Pull the trigger.
“Pull the trigger, Maddie,” my father says as Bella and River continue to argue, River looking like he’s about to faint. “Just do it.”
I c**k the gun, noticing that Lily is about to drop the lighter and Bella’s shoved the barrel of the gun in Lily’s direction. And River, well he’s moving for her helplessly, unsure if he has the courage to take her down while she’s armed.
“Maddie, please don’t.” I’m not even sure who says it anymore.
I close my eyes and swing the gun around then fire.
Chapter 37
Maddie
The gun goes off as I’m turning around, aiming it at the person who’s responsible for this. The bullet enters Bella’s body, right in the heart. Blood splatters everywhere like spilled paint. Her heart stops. It’s followed by a cry.
My sister grins at me. “Good girl.” Then she drops the lighter onto the floor, the gasoline singes, then bright flames erupt through the living room.
Smoke and fumes encircle us and Lily disappears in the midst of it. I try to move through it, try to find my way out, but something heavy falls on me and I collapse to the ground.
I’m going to die.
This is it.
I’m going to die with blood on my hands. I’m a killer now, for real this time. There is no Lily with me, no force of will. I pulled the trigger. Killed Bella. And now I’m going to burn to death.
I feel a hand touch my arm and the last thing I think is: Well at least I’m not going to die alone. I have Lily hear with me.
***
When I open my eyes again, I’m lying out on the front lawn and my mother is with me, along with River. I pass right back out though and I come in and out of conscience for the next couple of days. When I finally do wake up, I’m in the hospital, my arms wrapped in bandages from the fire. There’s a brief moment where I think everything that has happened was a dream and that I’m just ten year old Maddie, lying in a hospital bed, saved after days of her father kidnapping her and her sister and ruining them, but then my mother walks in and I can see in her eyes that it’s not the case.
“How are you feeling?” she asks tentatively and she looks like she’s aged ten years overnight.
“Okay, I guess,” I tell her, listening to the monitors beep, my heartbeat so consistent, so steady, so strange considering the circumstances.
“Can you… remember what happened?” she asks, taking a seat in a chair that’s beside my bed.
I shrug, fiddling with the clamp that’s on my finger. “Vaguely.” Actually, at this point I can remember almost everything.
“Oh Maddie.” She takes my hand and her skin feels so cold… or maybe it’s mine. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I didn’t even know Bella had gotten out of jail, or I would have tried to protect you more.”
“You could have just told me the truth,” I tell her coldly. “Then I could have at least protected myself better.” I try to sit up, but I’m too weak. I loathe the feeling and can’t wait until I get better. “And you should have told me that Lily was still alive. That would have been nice… did the police find her?”
Her face drains of color, her hand tightening on mine. “Sweetie, your sister died in the fire with your father…” Tears well in her eyes. “I’m so sorry I never said anything to you about it... I’m so sorry I lied to you, but I just wanted to help you.”
“But you said she was bad,” I say, searching her eyes for the truth. The truth? The truth doesn’t exist. “You talked about her like she had been around afterward and was bad.”
“No, I was referring to the before… even before you guys were taken… she still had problems… I think your father was doing stuff to her, even then… And when you came back, you were so much like her… rebelling… violent… cold…”
Maybe that’s because you’re her.
“But it all changed after the accident. You were you. And I thought…. Well, I just hoped, I guess that things would be different.” She starts to cry, her head falling forward as she mutters, “I’m going to make sure we get you some help—I won’t let this ruin you even more. You’ve had such a traumatic life.”