Let myself finally become her.
Chapter 8
Lily
I’m not sure how I got control of our body this time, what the purpose is. Something seems off with my freedom or maybe I seem off. I’m a little unsteady compared to usual, which is kind of the point for me existing. I’m the stable one, the one who gets even. The one who takes matters into their own hands, instead of being weak. But I feel weak at the moment. And sick.
Still, I move through the crowd, a silent predator, looking for something to do to distract the need to vomit. There’s so much sex dripping from everyone in the room, the music with slutty lyrics blaring so loudly as they shout and holler for Sydney who’s dancing on the stage. The sight of her brings the anger out briefly, but I won’t act on it, not here, not now, but maybe one day, if I’m given the right moment.
I turn away from the stage, ignoring the overly large man who smacks my ass as I down the rest of my drink. With each step, I feel more lightheaded and sick to my stomach, the lights above my head seeming brighter than the norm. When I spot the woman named Bella, I decide to go over there and chat, if for no other reason than to keep my attention focused on something but the blurry dance going on inside my mind.
“Hey!” Bella raises her hand as I approach her. I’m still trying to figure out if I like her or not. Sometimes it feels like she’s as dark as me inside, but there are other times where she seems sketchy and untrustworthy. “Come meet Leon.” She points a finger to a man sitting down on a stool beside her.
The hairs on the back of my neck instantly stand on end and it feels like a jolt of static flows across my skin. I stop for a moment, staring at the back of the man whose name makes me feel like my airway is constricting.
Bella keeps waving me over, despite my lack of interest in her. Rolling my eyes, I finally maneuver my way through the crowd and to the bar area, stumbling over my feet a few times.
“Hey,” she says, giving me a quick kiss on each cheek, invading my personal space and annoying the crap out of me. “What have you been up to?” she asks, giving me this look like I’ve just done something she’d like to do.
“Nothing much,” I reply, with a hint of slur to my speech.
Bella gets this all-knowing smile that I don’t understand—no one understands me. “Would that nothing much be a certain someone who has an office with a view.”
She glances over her shoulder at the window above us, which reminds me of how irritated I am with the man standing up there, looking down at us, a shadow in front of the glass; I can still tell that it has to be River. Always watching. Always looking at me. I swear he knows, no matter what Maddie says. He knows who I am and needs to be taken care of.
“I don’t know.” I stare at the window until my eyes start to sting, then I drop my gaze at Leon, my skin tingling with an eerie sensation I don’t like. “Is this Leon?” I finally ask just so he’ll have to turn around and I can see his face.
You’re a whore! I swear I hear it aloud, but maybe it’s in my head.
“Oh, yeah. I forgot introductions.” Bella picks up a beer and gestures at Leon. “Maddie, this is Leon.” She motions her hand at me. “Leon this is Maddie.”
He slowly turns around in the barstool with a smile plastered on his face. He’s wearing a baseball cap low on his forehead, his eyes shadowed, and between that, my blurry vision, and the dim lighting, I can’t see his face very well. “Pleasure to meet you, Maddie.” He sticks out his hand for me to shake, his sleeve riding up a little and I detect the dark lines of a tattoo on his wrist that of a dragon with fire blazing from its mouth.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Leon,” I say. I think he has brown hair, his eyes look black, and his face is rough. “Do I… know… you…” My voice sounds like an echo in my head.
“You’re a whore,” I swear I hear someone whisper from nearby, but I keep my eyes on the Leon, feeling as if I look away, I’m giving up my power over myself and I’ll fade into the dizziness.
He gives a low chuckle, “I don’t think so.” He says something else but I can’t make out what it is, his lips move, his eyes studying, hand on mine, but nothing makes sense. There are people in the room, but I feel none of them, almost like I’m surrounded by dead bodies. I should be okay with the idea—I usually am. Calm. Cool. Collected. I don’t like to feel out of control. That’s Maddie’s thing and if I didn’t pick up the other end, I wouldn’t have much of a purpose. But right now I feel like I’m hanging off the edge of a cliff, holding on with one finger.
“Leon’s going to be chilling at the bar for a while,” Bella says, but her voice sounds far away.
My pulse throbs underneath my flesh. “Oh yeah… that’s… nice.” My palms sweat… bones ache…
“I’m going to be helping Glen out for a while,” Leon says, eyes still fixed on me. “While he takes a few weeks off for vacation.”
“That’s nice.” My eyes start to roll into the back of my head, my legs about to give out. “Will you… excuse me,” I say, pulling my hand away from his. He laughs again and it makes me want to slam my fist into his face, but instead I stumble away toward the stairway, figuring I’ll go take care of someone else and get my control back, no matter what it takes.
Chapter 9
Maddie
I remember the first time I saw a dead body, the first time since after the accident anyway. I was eighteen years old and the incident strangely occurred by choice, which probably isn’t very common except for maybe a mortician or a detective or a serial killer.
I’d been out back of the diner where I waitressed at, taking my fifth smoke one break of the day. I was going through my 1950s to 60s movie phase, curious to see if perhaps I felt more peace in that era than I did in the current one I was supposedly born into. I proceeded to watch every classic one I could get my hands on and while I was fascinated with the simplicity of the time, I didn’t feel particularly moved by anything. But I started acting like a character from that time, a hobby of mine since I have no idea what character I really am. One trait a lot of the characters had was they smoked from cigarette holders. It made them seem so dazzling and sophisticated and I found myself obsessing the demure. So I went out and bought a sheath dress and saddle shoes from a vintage store, along with a cigarette holder, jade with a white tip. I wore the outfit for a week straight, everywhere I could, which caused a near panic attack from my mother and scrutiny from my grandmother, yet I kept on wearing it.