“It’s the truth,” I said around a bite of sandwich, before I could think better of it.
Sexy. Talk with your mouth full, Lauren.
But he wasn’t even looking at me. Rob tilted his head back, staring up at the ceiling with an inscrutable look. “Until we started hanging out, I didn’t even know how bad I felt. Like, it was normal.” He curled a fist and set it against his chest. “To have a knot here constantly. But the more I talk to you, the looser it gets. Until I can’t feel it anymore, and it’s like I’m taking my first deep breath in a long time. Did you ever have that?”
“You mean not realizing something hurt until it stopped?”
“Yeah.”
“Leaving school was like that. I didn’t want to admit I was different. You know how many mornings I freaked out silently about going to class?”
“Because you hate being around people?”
It was impressive he knew that. Even Nadia had bought it when I reinvented myself in high school, changing my personality, my habits, everything. She never questioned that I’d turned into a social butterfly when, in fact, I was just a caterpillar with a pretty parachute. But ultimately, living a lie made me miserable. With my personality, there was no way I could work as a lobbyist without a constant barrage of anxiety attacks.
I nodded. “And you know, maybe I should be strong, get over it and be normal. But that feels like shaving my edges to fit in the wrong slot.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Rob said. “It’s not like you’re afraid to leave the house or can’t buy milk from the Stop & Go. So what if you don’t like people?”
That much was true. My social anxiety didn’t prevent me from accomplishing routine tasks. It was more that I’d realized that being a lobbyist would require constant interaction on a level that horrified me. As for college, I hated the parties that other people seemed to view as the Holy Grail, and the only way I could cope was to become someone else. Also, I drank a lot, more than I’d liked to admit. Though I wasn’t a full-on lush when I left, I could’ve easily turned into one of those people never spotted without a glass of wine.
“I was just in denial,” I said.
“About what?”
“The fact that I’m computer dork and always will be. I’m more comfortable behind a screen than joking around at a party. Only booze makes the latter possible. And drinking led me to some questionable life choices.”
“Like what?” I could tell from Rob’s expression that he didn’t expect me to say anything truly shocking.
How cute, Lauren thinks she has a dark past.
It wasn’t like I’d killed anybody, but I did feel bad about hurting Max, my former housemate. I hadn’t realized he really liked me until it was too late.
A contrary impulse made me mutter, “Fucking my roommate, for example.”
“Why was that dumb?” From the slight widening of his eyes, he hadn’t expected me to bring up sex; he radiated a sort of reluctant curiosity.
“For so many reasons. But that wasn’t the stupidest thing I ever did.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t ask.” Finally, Rob was looking at me as if he understood this wasn’t a joke, and I wasn’t playing around.
I shrugged. “So don’t.”
“But now I’m curious.”
“Well?” I prompted. “Are you asking?”
“I guess I am.” He shifted to face me, eyes steady on mine.
Was I really telling him this? Nadia didn’t even know. But the scare convinced me I had to rethink everything, coming on the heels of another blunder. I couldn’t tell him about that one.
“Drunk Lauren got caught—by a cop—while giving a BJ in a moving vehicle. That’s a misdemeanor, by the way. Indecent exposure and reckless driving.”
“Did you get arrested?” That wasn’t what I expected him to ask.
“The cop gave us both a Breathalyzer test. Luckily, the guy I was with passed. I didn’t. The officer decided my judgment was impaired and let me off with a warning.” I couldn’t face Rob, so I stared at my hands, preparing for the brotherly lecture about my abysmal behavior that was sure to follow.
“I can’t talk about this with you,” he said huskily.
I raised my head, puzzled. “Why not?”
His eyes were storm-dark, not angry. Something else. An emotion I’d never seen in Rob. “I’m human, Lauren. Damn. Like you said before, I’m not your brother, and that mental picture? It’s...distracting.”
CHAPTER SEVEN
“Oh.” Since I’d almost resigned myself to the idea that Rob would never see me the way I viewed him, I had no idea what else to say.
His cheeks reddened. “Great. Now you think I’m a perv.”
“Are you kidding? No. But I didn’t tell you that story to...entice you or whatever.” Though if I’d thought of it and had known it would work, I probably would have.
“You have more sense.”
“I do?” I raised a brow.
“Definitely.”
“I’m not even sure what we’re talking about here.”
Rob sighed, setting his plate on the bookshelf behind us. “I’m saying I understand that you’d never go for me, that’s all.”
I couldn’t read his tone; it bothered me, but there was a complex assortment of emotions striving for supremacy, too many to be easily sorted. So I studied his face, hoping for a clue, but his features were impassive, except for the fact that he couldn’t hold my gaze. His lashes swept down, effectively severing eye contact.
“You don’t know that.” Maybe it wasn’t good for my pride, but they said the truth shall set you free, right? Maybe partial honesty could earn me a day or two of liberty. “I had a real thing for you when I was thirteen.”
A fleeting smile curved his mouth. “I know. You were pretty obvious about it. The year I was seventeen, you didn’t say a single word to me without stuttering and turning red.”
“Well, there you go, then. At any moment, I could leap on the opportunity to make my adolescent fantasies come true.”
He shook his head. “Funny, but no. Girls don’t want me once they grow up. Or after they get to know me.”
“Are you crazy?” I demanded.
“It’s the truth, Lauren. I’m not a guy women dream of settling down with.... They don’t go out with me once, then start planning our futures. I’m the one they sleep with before they meet Mr. Right. Anyone who ends up with me, she’ll just be settling.”