“I was in my gangster phase,” he mumbled.
Courtney almost fell on the floor laughing. “That’s the best thing I’ve ever heard. Do you mind if I steal that? I’m pretty sure I have the street cred to pull it off.” She threw up some random gestures that were meant to pass as gang signs, but I suspected they were ASL. “Don’t leave me hanging. Did that work for him?”
“I laughed. But he did, too. Then we got drunk and made out.”
“As you do,” she said wisely.
“Why must you dredge up our sordid past?” Max wondered aloud.
“Because it’s hilarious. So then, I heard a bunch of guys talking about how many girls Max had banged, and betting I’d be next. I made a point never to let him feel me up again.”
He pulled a face that was pure dejection. “And I’ve been so lonely.”
“I can understand your scruples,” Courtney said to me. “I’m glad I didn’t know you when you were a freshman, dude.”
“That’s a popular opinion,” he muttered.
Angus came home an hour after the movie ended. We’d hooked up a laptop, like Ty had downstairs, and were watching Netflix instead of cable. I was ready to suggest canceling the service to save money, but Angus watched certain shows when they came on, and he’d probably be crushed if I pointed out he could watch them anytime online. In some respects, he was a traditionalist.
“So how was the date?” Max asked.
Angus sank onto the sofa between Courtney and me. “He’s fantastic, but I’m not sleeping with him yet.”
“Don’t tell me somebody got you a copy of The Rules for Christmas.” That was Courtney. She glanced around. “It wasn’t me.”
“No, I just want to take it slow, after Josh. That was... It was years. I was starting to think maybe he was the one. I don’t want to get hurt again.”
“You’ll always get hurt.” The words popped out before I could stop them but I didn’t mean them to sound so bitter. “You just have to make sure the person’s worth the pain.”
“Deep,” Courtney said.
“Happy Valentine’s Day, motherfuckers.” Max stood and arched his back, and I grabbed his cynical ass in a tight hug.
Angus and Courtney got in on the action, and for a few seconds, I felt a little lighter, like the hollow in my chest might one day fill up with other things. I went to bed in a better mood.
The rest of February sped by, occupied with work, classes, homework, practicum and the occasional social event with my roomies. They made a point of dragging me out of the house whether I wanted to go or not. Sometimes they went drinking, though I never got wasted over Ty like Angus had Josh. I just kept pushing forward.
In March, I realized it had been two months since we broke up, though I couldn’t claim that word. He was never my boyfriend. But he was the guy I loved. And still did, in all honesty. The feeling hadn’t faded. Sometimes, sometimes, I had weak moments.
Like tonight.
I was sitting on the floor of my closet, hiding, because I was afraid of what the sound of his voice might do to me. There were four saved messages in my voice mail. I hadn’t played them since the day I walked out of his apartment, but tonight, need rose up until it might strangle me. If I didn’t listen to these, then I might call him. That would be a worse way to torture myself.
So I plugged in my earbuds, put them in and played the first one.
Hey, Nadia. I just want you to know I’m thinking about you. Call me.
That one, I played four or five times. I thought about erasing it, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it, not yet. Maybe I’d store these on a USB drive and keep them in a box, along with the notebook that contained my memories of him. Maybe, if I gave all of those feelings a new home, my chest would stop aching. A sound principle, if you believed in transference.
Message two: It’s me. Sam said you showed him how to tie his shoes today. He was so excited, you have no idea. And it means so much to me that you’re good to him.
Ridiculously, I touched a fingertip to my phone, as if Ty lived in there because some evil wizard had cast a spell and locked him away from me like a genie in a lamp. But nothing happened apart from the solitary tear trickling down my cheek. I didn’t like feeling this way, but I had no idea how to stop.
Message three: I miss you. God, this has been a shit day. Call me back?
I played it twice before moving on to the last, the most recent one. He’d left it the day after we got back from the ski trip. Message four: Hey, sweetness. I had an amazing time. There’s just something about you.... Anyway, thanks for being with me. Talk to you soon.
The closet door banged open.
For a supremely awkward moment, I stared up at Courtney and she gazed down at me. The silence was horrendous. “So...I’m not exactly inexperienced at coaxing people out of closets, but I didn’t expect to need that skill set with you.”
I burst out laughing. In that moment I felt sure we’d end up close, not social friendly or I don’t hate you when I’m drunk, but full-on friends. “I was afraid you’d accuse me of doing weird shit to your clothes.”
“I can see you were having a moment with your phone. Listening to ex messages?”
“How did you know?”
“It’s a classic wallowing strategy. You might also put on a shirt he wore or do bizarre things with his pictures. Been there, done that.”
“How long did it take to...stop?”
“With some people, it doesn’t. They never leave you. The guy I dated in high school...to this day, I still talk to him in my head. We have these long, involved conversations, and I imagine him advising me on my love life.”
“That’s weird, Courtney. Why don’t you just call him?”
Her breath hitched. “Because he died when we were seventeen.”
“Jesus. Now I want Angus to take us out and get us drunk.”
“I heard that!” Suddenly, he was standing outside our room like an alcoholic fairy godfather, dangling his car keys.
It ran through my head that I shouldn’t go out tonight. Responsibilities like bills, work, classes, practicum careened through my head until I shook it, denying all the reasons I wasn’t allowed to have fun. One night wouldn’t ruin my life. And I needed a break from trying to prove to my parents that I was worth the way they’d scrimped and saved to get me here.
“I’m in,” I said. “Courtney?”