You are my one true thing, I thought. Always. In time, I might love someone else, if the worst came to pass. But he would never be Kian, and I hoarded these moments like a dragon on a pile of shimmering gold. We watched his favorite film until my eyelids grew heavy, and I drifted before I learned whether Devlin loved Alicia.
In my heart, I knew he did, even if he never said the words.
A SACRIFICE TO LOVE
I woke alone.
Immediately I knew that was wrong, and dread cramped my stomach. I rolled out of Kian’s bed and ran to the living room. Foreboding turned to sickness, and I trembled as I padded toward the note taped to the door. Perspectives in the room seemed off, so that the paper got larger and larger, until it loomed bigger than the door, as if it was so heavy that it should pull the door inward into a hole that would swallow them both. Blinking my eyes repeatedly made Kian’s neat handwriting resolve from teary swirls into comprehensible language. I hated this note, even before I read it. But I had to know what it said and what he thought constituted an adequate good-bye.
Edie,
I wasn’t truly alive until I met you. It’s funny how spring always follows winter, even when you’ve given up all hope of ever seeing the sun again. But it rises. “Why does the sun come up, or are the stars just pinholes in the curtain of night?”
At that line, a quote from Highlander, I choked back a sob and it was as if he knew I would react that way as I read on.
Don’t cry for me, but I do hope you’ll remember that we were good together and you were always beautiful in my eyes. From the start, you mattered, even when I was trying to play by their rules. So do me one final favor, if I have the right to ask anything—live for me. Your future is wide open and without me, you’ll achieve remarkable things. I won’t see your potential ruined and you enslaved to Wedderburn. I’d rather die.
There’s one more thing I kept from you, a file I didn’t show you last night. In no future, if you’re with me, do you complete your mother’s work. I’m the sacrifice that must be made. And I’m willing.
You will succeed. You’ll repay the favors. Then your life will be your own. And that’s all I care about now. My time is done, one way or another, so let me choose how I go. I have always, always wanted to be your hero.
Kian
My heart cracked wide, threatening to spill a river of tears. In every way that matters, you’re already my knight in a shiny red car. How can you not know that?
“No,” I said aloud. “Damn you, no, bastard-asshole martyr, I don’t accept this.”
Fury lent me strength; I raced into the bedroom and grabbed my purse. My cell phone tumbled out of the front pocket. As I bent to pick it up, it rang. I recognized Vi’s number, and I knew she must be worried. It had been a couple of days since we’d talked.
Already moving toward the front door, I answered it. “What’s up?”
“Are you all right?”
“What, is your spider sense tingling?” Classic question parry since I didn’t want to worry her. She knew little about my actual life, but it warmed me that she cared. My red winter coat was hanging in the closet in the foyer; I shrugged into it and exited Kian’s building.
“I don’t know, I’m just … concerned about you.” She sounded puzzled, like she couldn’t explain it. “You were really quiet last time we talked. With your mom and everything … maybe you should spend the holidays with me?”
People should trust their instincts more. You’re right to have a weird feeling, Vi.
“I can’t leave my dad.”
“Bring him. I already talked to my parents. He can sleep in the den and you can have the trundle bed in my room. It’ll be good. Come on.”
“Maybe.”
I couldn’t tell her the truth as I ran toward what might be my doom. Early Saturday morning, I didn’t have to fight commuters, just a few runners, mothers out with children, and people gearing up for Christmas shopping. Dodging around the other pedestrians, I raced toward the station.
“Thanks. I … just want you to know that your friendship means a lot to me.” That was the kind of thing you said as part of a farewell like the one Kian wrote to me.
“You’re starting to freak me out. You sound all grave and … final.”
“I don’t mean to. Look, Vi, I can’t talk now. I have to be somewhere and I’m about to dodge into the subway.”
“Okay. Call me later?”
“Sure.” If I’m alive.
At least Vi would miss me if this rescue mission went wrong. Davina probably would, too. And my dad, God, I couldn’t even think about my dad. With shaking hands, I texted him. It was barely dawn, so he likely wasn’t up yet, but he should find my bullshit about going for an early run reassuring.
I don’t want to leave him alone. I’m supposed to help him. Optimum future, my ass.
Finally, I tapped out a message to Davina, nothing dramatic. Just, thanks for being my friend. Which might scare her, but … I knew the risks of confronting Wedderburn and interrupting the grand gesture Kian had planned. I hoped I got there fast enough to do … something. What, I had no idea; I hadn’t planned that far ahead. My head throbbed with tension and trepidation. Too much shock and grief apparently impaired cognitive function, because I did not feel at the top of my game.
The ride downtown seemed interminable and the tunnels were full of living shadows that slithered after the racing car. Long dark fingers crawled toward me, but I stared up at the lights overhead, letting them shine into my eyes until I saw spots. I won’t let the darkness in. I won’t. I’m not crazy. I didn’t realize I was mumbling this aloud until the old guy nearby moved away by several seats, but I was beyond caring what anyone thought.
The thin man watched me race off the car, across the platform and toward the stairs, but he made no move to stop me. Only the smell of corruption lingered in my nostrils as I blew past. It was too early on a Saturday for businessmen to be out, but there were service workers in uniforms and homeless people layered against the cold. A few of them raised their heads when I raced by, staring at a spot just over my shoulder, until I wanted to scream.
No breath for it. Keep moving.
Iris was at the desk in the lobby, red as blood, terrifying as always. “How good to see you again, Miss Kramer. Do you have an appointment?”
“Wedderburn will want to see me,” I said, hoping it was true.
She didn’t take my word for it, of course; she rang upstairs to check. In some ways, it was reassuring that even supernatural creatures clung to protocol and procedure.